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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23653714">The Wanting Comes In Waves</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I worked really hard on this I promise, Lots of references to Fight Club, M/M, Smut, Teenage Drama, Therapy through smut, Triggers, Wales - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 22:41:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>48,871</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23653714</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Life is meant to be destructive. We're the only beings that can truly experience it. We need to destroy everything we can so that we can create new things."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>After moving to the tiny Welsh coastal village of Rhagfyr, Phil struggles to find a new way of living, what with his new school and the decision of his future still on the table. Dan is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma, but perhaps there’s beauty inside destruction.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dan Howell/Phil Lester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>59</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Wanting Comes In Waves</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Before Phil and his mother arrived in the Rhagfyr, there were 197 residents.</p><p>The number 199 feels unlucky. There’s one person missing to make the population a grand total of 200. It’s like the rest of the residents can sense that Phil’s unlucky. They give him polite smiles but they stop to speak with him upon his arrival to the village. He can’t speak any Welsh; that doesn’t help the situation.</p><p>“Why don’t you go down to the harbour?” his mother asks. “There were a group of lads down there before. You can make a few friends before the first day of school, yeah?”</p><p>The likelihood of him – the only English boy in the village – making friends is slim, but he’d like to leave his mother for a few moments. She’ll help unpack his bags if he uses this as an excuse to scout out good places to smoke without his mother finding out.</p><p>It’s a nasty habit, she says. Phil started just after his fifteen birthday, sucking the smoke out of something his friend had rolled. It had tasted awful and Phil had understood why people say it ‘tastes like an ashtray’.</p><p>Two years later and he’s still smoking the damn things. He has a packet – a good-bye present from a friend back in England – tucked in his pencil case, somewhere his mother would never look. A hundred cheap soft mints and cleverly applied deodorant has protected him from her wrath so far.</p><p>The sky is dry but white, like God had painted over the stars with thick snow. It’s miserable weather for September. There’s one single path down to the harbour, shelter from the wind provided by a long stretch of towering birch trees. His mother hadn’t lied; there are a group of boys in jeans and cotton t-shirts lounged out on a bench along the path.</p><p>Phil considers offering them a smile but they look to be a couple of years younger than him. 14 is the worst age, the time when young adolescents see themselves as far more important than they actually are. Phil can begin to understand; he’s had his phases over the years. He still can’t bear to look at any photos from before he dyed all his hair black.</p><p>When he’d come home from a friend’s house with jet-black hair, his mother hadn’t said much. She wasn’t conservative in any way shape or form, with pictures of her hippie self on a frame in their old home, but she was still stuck in the past.</p><p>Hands tucked into his pockets, he follows the path to the harbour, where a high rock platform separates him from the docks and the water deep below. A small path leads up the hill. Phil can’t see through the thick foliage but it must lead along the coastline.</p><p>He looks out towards the Irish Sea, he sees a long finger of rock extending from the coast and as he peers, he swears he can see a figure there, among the bushes and overgrown grass. It’s at least fifty metres away, further along the coast but there’s definitely something – or someone – there.</p><p>Phil walks slightly up the hill to light up in privacy, hoping nobody walks along and starts wondering where the stench of smoke is coming from. His fingers aren’t yellow yet but there’s a slight tinge to his pale skin. It’s all a matter of time, really.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>The first day of school isn’t easy. At least half of the pupils speak Welsh as a first language, despite the fact that the school is English-medium. He makes a friend in his form, a scrawny-looking ginger guy called Morgan. The accent takes a while to get used to but Phil’s lucky that he quite likes Welsh pronunciation.</p><p>“You missin’ your friends?”</p><p>Phil can only shrug. He hadn’t had many close friends in Manchester but he feels slightly claustrophobic here, in the village where everyone knows everyone and there are only 8 other people in his class. Apparently somebody is off ill today.</p><p>“Whereabouts you from?”</p><p>“Manchester.”</p><p>Not exactly. He’s from a town a few miles north, in the hills. It rains a lot and it’s always windy but it was where he’d grown up. Phil doesn’t resent his mother for making them move – it’d been vital for her to make some changes in her life – but he has wondered why on earth she chose Rhagfyr, one of the smallest coastal villages in Wales.</p><p>Morgan continues with, “Can you speak any Cymraeg?”</p><p>Phil shakes his head. He might learn the language eventually, if they stick around for long enough. His mum calls it gobbledygook, a useless language, but the only language Phil’s ever tried to learn before is French – which he is monumentally shit at – so he reckons it might be handy to learn a language he can actually use.</p><p>“I can teach you some if you’d like.”</p><p>Phil nods, then the Maths teacher finally arrives and lets them all into the class room. What’s six times seventeen? Who knows? The boy at the front, apparently. Who cares? Phil doesn’t.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Phil sneaks out at nine o’clock later that day, telling his mum he’s ‘going for a walk’. In truth, he does. He goes along to the harbour then takes the path up to hill to a place where he can smoke. He walks a little further this time and finds a small patch of grass to sit down on, with a perfect view of the coastline and the dark, bottomless sea.</p><p>Staring at out at the long finger of coast again, he doesn’t see a figure. Perhaps it was his imagination playing with him, forcing him to find some sort of interest in this tiny village. God knows he needs something to keep him going; this cigarette isn’t quite cutting it.</p><p>It takes him four cigarettes until he feels remotely right again.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>“You look tired,” is the first thing his mother says when he walks into the kitchen on the second day of school.</p><p>Phil says, “I didn’t sleep much.”</p><p>His new uniform doesn’t quite fit him right yet. Year 11 students are supposed to look smart, he tells himself as he adjusts his tie for what is probably the nineteenth time that morning.</p><p>“I made you some toast.”</p><p>It’s bribery, plain and simple. If Phil accepts the toast, his mother will assume that all is well, Phil is settling in, and she won’t have to feel any guilt about uprooting him from his own and moving him out here. He does take it, but only in the hope that she won’t ask him any more questions, like why he smelt so strongly of deodorant when he got home from his walk.</p><p>“Thanks,” he takes a large bite out of the toast.</p><p>She smiles and brushes some crumbs from her business suit. Phil’s mum works as a real estate agent. He isn’t exactly sure how many properties are up for sale in their small village but she’s taken a job at the real estate place down the road, only a few minutes’ walk away from their new semi-detached home.</p><p>“You look like you might need a haircut soon,” she tells him. “Do you want me to go down to the hairdressers’ and book you in?”</p><p>Phil shakes his head. “I’m alright.”</p><p>He likes his hair at this length, where there’s just enough fringe to hide his eyes under when he needs to. It’s not quite at the shaggy stage yet, but he thinks it still looks good. In one of the gossip magazine articles floating around his Facebook newsfeed, it had said that ‘shaggy is chic!’. Thanks to Michael Cera and the rest of the Scott-Pilgrim-loving Hollywood producers, Phil was actually trendy.</p><p>Though perhaps the fashion in LA isn’t quite the same as the fashion in Rhagfyr.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>“Ffion told me to tell you that Seren has a crush on you,” Morgan tells him as they eat lunch.</p><p>It’s the last day of his first week at this new school. The end of the beginning, so it seems.</p><p>“Who’s Seren?”</p><p>Morgan points to a girl on the opposite end of the canteen, eating with a gaggle of girls with matching iron-curled hair. She has shoulder-length brown hair and a dull expression on her face, but she looks nice enough. It’s almost a shame Phil doesn’t swing that way. He tells Morgan this.</p><p>“Oh, sorry,” Morgan looks slightly paler than before. “Didn’t know you were gay.”</p><p>Phil stays silent.</p><p>“If it helps, I’m pretty sure you’d get on well with Gay Rhys,” Morgan says. “He’s in the year below.”</p><p>It’s all Phil can do not to laugh. A part of him was expecting – perhaps even secretly hoping – that Morgan might be homophobic, if only to find an excuse not to like this place. Phil is trying very hard not to like this new village but little surprises like this aren’t helping.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>On Sunday morning, Phil makes bacon butties for himself and his mum and makes the excuse of running to the local off-license for milk so that he can go up to his new favourite smoking hide-out. Two cigarettes – and a mad dash to get to the shop so that he won’t go home empty-handed – later and he’s back home again. His mum thanks him for being so laidback about them moving.</p><p>“I know you miss home,” she tells him. “But I promise it’ll be good here. You’re already fitting in well in school. I called up your form tutor and she said you’ve already got a friend. Why don’t you invite him over for tea sometime?”</p><p>Having Morgan over after school would be like giving himself a death sentence. The guy was nice enough, when he wasn’t talking Phil’s ear off, but he can imagine scenes of Morgan and his big mouth blabbing about Phil being gay and how he should be friends with Gay Rhys on the off chance that they might be compatible. It isn’t like Phil has purposely kept his sexuality from his mother; she wouldn’t be the type to kick up a fuss or ask him to move out. Quite the opposite really.</p><p>Phil isn’t ready to deal with his mother trying to set him up with any boy in the village who’s even remotely bisexual. It’s bad enough that Morgan won’t shut up about Gay Rhys. Half the school already knows about Phil’s sexuality thanks to him. Invite him over for dinner? Definitely not.</p><p>“I’ll ask him,” Phil lies.</p><p>“Have you got much homework to do?” His mum is good at changing subjects; she’s been doing it for years.</p><p>He nods. “I better go up and get started.”</p><p>Phil’s new room is about the same size as his old one, but with fewer posters. He’d brought most of them with him but half of them had torn when he tried to peel them off the walls. In hindsight, using PVA glue instead of blue tack isn’t the best decision he’s ever made. On the bright side, at least most of his Muse posters had survived the move. He’d been happy to leave behind any evidence of the slightly embarrassing music phases he’d been through as a younger teen.</p><p>Sat on his desk is the cardboard box of CDs that he’d collected over the years. Charity shops were a goldmine for 80s punk rock hits. Once you knew where to look, you could find almost anything in the centre of Manchester. It’s doubtful that a tiny village on the Welsh coast has quite the same diversity in music taste.</p><p>There isn’t even a HMV.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>The second week flows a little easier than the first did. Some of the students want to know a lot about Manchester and all the bars and clubs that you can go to within the city. Phil’s only 16; he’s never been to a nightclub. Yet they keep asking until his answers become shorter and shorter, then they quieten down. The previously ill student hasn’t been in a single day over the last two weeks of school. He asks Morgan about it.</p><p>“Daniel. He’s another English guy,” the boy says, scratching his neck. “Well, he says he was born in Wales but he doesn’t have the accent, so I wouldn’t say he’s actually Welsh.”</p><p>“There’s another English family here?”</p><p>“Not exactly,” Morgan says. “There’s you – and your mam and dad – and then there’s Daniel and his brother.”</p><p>“Who’s his brother?”</p><p>“He works in the CD shop down the road. We call him Butcher, but his real name’s Aaron. He’s got our accent.”</p><p>Phil doesn’t ask why they call him Butcher; he’s not quite sure he wants to know.</p><p>“So you and your mam and dad are all from Manchester then?”</p><p>Phil interjects, “Just my mum and me.”</p><p>“Ah, sorry.”</p><p>The awkward silence passes even slower than Phil could have predicted, but the Welsh boy eventually breaks it again.</p><p>“So me, Ffion and Aled are going to this gig in the community hall on Saturday. You wanna’ come?”</p><p>It would be nice to see what local band the village has to offer, given that no headlining tour has ever come within ten miles of Rhagfyr. Phil guesses it’ll probably be folk music. It’s all the rage now, thanks to Mumford and Sons. He should go down to the CD shop and see what bands they stock up on.</p><p>“Who’s playing?”</p><p>“They’re called The Four Walking Men. Butcher’s in the band, but I haven’t heard them play before. They’ve got a deal on drinks and pasties.”</p><p>It seems like enough reason to go along, so Phil agrees.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>The figure is there again when he’s out smoking on Wednesday night. Through the waning light, he’s sure he can see someone across the coast, sat down by the bushes. Surely his eyes can’t deceive him twice?</p><p>He’s tempted to make some sort of sound, maybe call out, but the person probably won’t be able to hear him over this distance. Shouting at strangers doesn’t sound like a safe activity to him. The nicotine is soothing his nerves so much that he makes the stupid decision to walk along the hill to the extended slither of coast.</p><p>It’s definitely a person, he can see that now. He can also see – and smell – more smoke, smoke that certainly isn’t coming from his cigarette. When he nears the figure, only fifteen or so metres away, he can see small flickers of light. He can see the back of a hoody and a head of dark hair. Phil walks closer, manoeuvring through the long grass.</p><p>“What are you doing?” he calls out, cigarettes getting the better of him.</p><p>The figure turns around and stares at him silently. Only five metres away, Phil can see that it’s a teenager of a similar age. But Phil hasn’t seen him in school, and the village high school is small enough to meet every student in less than half an hour. So this must be the missing student; Daniel.</p><p>“Are you Daniel?”</p><p>The boy puts down what he’s holding and his eyebrows are furrowed as he stares Phil down. “Go away,” he calls back.</p><p>So Phil, being the fool he is, does.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>The CD shop is exactly that; a tiny room with hundreds of CDs stacked in alphabetical order on shelves, filling all the available wall space. Butcher welcomes him in and introduces himself. It’s the polite way to act in a village like this. Phil recognises a slight English accent in the man’s soft, rolling Welsh tones. The man looks similar to his brother – if that was indeed Daniel by the cliff the previous night.</p><p>“Bet you’re thinking we’re just a village of oldies, aren’t you?” Butcher laughs. “If you’ve already met Morgan, then you’ll know that’s not quite true. He told me yesterday his dream was to go a night club and dance with some pretty girl all night.”</p><p>“Sounds like Morgan,” Phil quips.</p><p>“I’ll let you have a free CD of any band worth listening to, seeing as you’re the new kid on the block.”</p><p>Phil isn’t quite sure what Butcher condones as good music but he picks out an album by The Police, as the man looks on with a careful look in his eyes. When Phil walks up to the till, Butcher declares, “Good choice!” and puts it in a plastic bag for him, all free of charge.</p><p>“Can I ask–” Phil starts, eager to ask his question before he has to get home. “Your brother, why isn’t he in class?”</p><p>He doesn’t ask where Butcher and Daniel’s parents are because he knows how irritating it is; lots of people don’t think twice before asking where Phil’s dad is. Butcher’s smile falters but he doesn’t close up completely.</p><p>“Dan’s a quiet one,” he explains. “He doesn’t really get on well in school. It takes him a little while to work up to going in. He’ll be in school soon.”</p><p>He gives Phil a pat on the back before he leaves and tells him to keep his chin up. Maybe it’s not just his mum who can sense that Phil isn’t quite happy with where he is. He’s not depressed, though he expected himself to be. He’s just a little bored, that’s all.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Phil goes back up to the place where he first met Daniel and finds him there again. Phil’s mum is too busy trying to finish the work for her new job that she doesn’t even blink at his excuses anymore.</p><p>A cigarette between his fingers, Phil approaches Daniel cautiously. The boy turns around to face him as soon as he hears Phil’s footsteps on the dry grass. Phil can see the little light again, but this time he’s close enough to see that Daniel’s holding a lighter in his left hand and something else in the other.</p><p>“It’s dark,” is what Phil says first.</p><p>Daniel just stares at him, looking undergrown in his baggy black hoody. He has the sleeves rolled his skinny arms. Why does Butcher let his brother walk out here every evening? It’s getting dark earlier and earlier each night now.</p><p>“Leave me alone.”</p><p>Phil ignores him. “What are you burning?”</p><p>Daniel holds up the object in his right hand. “Books.” He gestures behind him and Phil steps forward to see a pile of at least ten other books.</p><p>“Why are you burning them?”</p><p>“They’re shit books,” Daniel replies, as if that’s the only excuse needed.</p><p>Phil shouldn’t be out here, talking with a boy who seems pretty insane. But he reminds himself that this is Wales, not Manchester City Centre. There isn’t so much crime out here, especially not in a village of this size.</p><p>“Isn’t that a waste of paper?”</p><p>“Isn’t life a waste of air?”</p><p>Phil blinks, startled by the dark look in the other boy’s eyes. “What?”</p><p>"Life is meant to be destructive. We're the only beings that can truly experience it. We need to destroy everything we can so that we can create new things."</p><p>Maybe the guy’s watched Fight Club one too many times, but Phil’s pretty sure that the purpose of life isn’t to destroy everything around you. Books are there for education, for wisdom.</p><p>“But now the books are just ashes,” Phil points out, sitting down in the long grass across from the boy, leaving a metre of distance between them. His cigarette is almost finished now.</p><p>“Ashes can fertilise soil,” Daniel says sharply. “They’ll do more good to the plants than they ever did to me.”</p><p>Phil holds back a laugh. “Have the books offended you?”</p><p>He sneaks a look at one of the books waiting to be burnt; Don Quixote. He doesn’t know what that means but the book looks old and the author’s name looks to be Italian or Spanish. Why is Daniel burning foreign books?</p><p>“They can’t teach us anything. The only learning in life is experience.”</p><p>It all sounds unbearably pretentious. This boy sits out by the cliffs at night, burning books and being bitter. It’s right out of a teenage romance novel. Daniel picks up the book he was staring at and opens it, lighting up the tip of the first page with a cigarette lighter. The flames burn a slightly odd colour as they pass through the ink. Daniel watches the fire, only centimetres from his hand, and doesn’t even flinch.</p><p>“Why don’t you do this at home?”</p><p>The boy scowls. “Because it’s a fucking fire hazard, what do you think?”</p><p>So instead, he’s burning the books on a hill full of dry grass and flammable plants? His logic isn’t even close to sound, Phil thinks. He takes a long drag of his cigarette to compensate for the silence.</p><p>“Who the fuck even are you?”</p><p>“I just moved here.”</p><p>“Thanks,” Daniel spits out sarcastically. “That I hadn’t worked that out.”</p><p>Phil ignores that comment and asks, “Doesn’t your brother ever wonder where you are?”</p><p>Daniel drops the book he’s holding.</p><p>“How do you know my brother?”</p><p>He gets to his feet and stamps out the fire before it can spread over the grass. Phil stretches out his leg and thrashes it over the ground in a futile attempt to help. They get the fire out but the other boy is scowling more fiercely now.</p><p>“A friend told me about his shop,” Phil replies. “And about you.”</p><p>“What the fuck did they say about me?”</p><p>“Nothing,” Phil blurts out. “Nothing much. Just your name really. Why aren’t you in school?”</p><p>“Leave me alone.”</p><p>Phil sighs, “But–”</p><p>Daniel screams, “Fuck off!”</p><p>Phil flinches and crawls up onto his feet, leaving the boy before he could say any more. Daniel was obviously not to be disturbed; he was disturbed already.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>The Four Walking Men aren’t the best live band Phil’s ever heard but he’s biased; he saw Muse play in Manchester last year. Everything else is pretty rubbish in comparison to that experience. That was also the night Phil received his first blow job and found out the he was gay. In that order.</p><p>On Monday, Daniel is in the class. His uniform looks a little tight on him and there are still iron creases. Phil pretends not to notice him, staring down blankly at the History textbook as the teacher drones on about the Cuban Missile Crisis. History is full of those; crises. Tension builds and builds until everything finally reaches a breaking point.</p><p>“Phil, do you want to answer the first one?”</p><p>He almost jumps. The teacher is staring at him, waiting for an answer. He reads the question. It’s something about John F. Kennedy.</p><p>“I–” Phil frowns. “I don’t know, sir.”</p><p>The teacher looks surprised, then disappointed. Just like most of the people Phil comes into contact with.</p><p>“Morgan, do you know the answer?”</p><p>Morgan answers, “Kennedy ran for president in 1960.”</p><p>Phil feels like an idiot. Again.</p><p>“He’s a bit of a twat,” Morgan whispers to him later on, glaring at the teacher’s back. “He always picks on anyone he thinks isn’t listening.”</p><p>Phil nods. It’s not just enough that the other boy frowns suspiciously, he has to ask, “You alright?”</p><p>“I’m fine.”</p><p>“You talked to Gay Rhys yet?” Morgan questions him. “Ffion told him about you and he seems pretty interested. Apparently Seren’s devastated though.”</p><p>“Tell her I’m sorry,” Phil says. “But I don’t like girls.”</p><p>Morgan scoffs. “She knows that, she just thinks you’re making it up because you think she’s ugly.”</p><p>“She’s not ugly.”</p><p>“So you do like her?” Morgan grins, then waves his hand and says, “I’m kidding! I know you’re gay. I believe you.”</p><p>It strikes Phil as odd that, for the first time in his life, the idea of him being gay is in question. Apparently he’s not gay enough to placate the students here. He might not be flamboyant and spend all his time out shopping with a gang of girls every weekend, a Prada handbag on his arm, but he’s definitely gay.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Phil doesn’t quite know how, but he finds himself back at the cliffs again. Daniel isn’t around yet but there’s a small mountain of ashes on top of the grass, gradually being blown away by the breeze. The air here is much fresher than in Manchester. His view of the harbour is hidden by the trees, proving that Daniel’s hideout can’t be easily seen from anyone wandering around on the docks. Phil had only seen him because he’d been climbing up the hill at the time.</p><p>“What the fuck are you doing here?”</p><p>It’s still light, the sun a few hours away from setting, and Phil finally takes the time to look at the boy’s face without the mask of darkness. He’s just as tall as Phil but much skinner, with dark brown hair covering most of his ears. In the classroom, he’d looked much less interesting; he’d blended into the classroom by staying silent and motionless. Now he has one earphone in, the other hanging out, and Phil can hear the faint blast of heavy drums.</p><p>“I told you to fuck off,” Daniel continues.</p><p>“So you are Daniel?”</p><p>“Yes, I am. And you’re the twat who’s invading my fucking privacy.”</p><p>He swears fluently, almost without seeming to notice he’s doing it. Maybe it’s just how he speaks, Phil thinks. Some people can’t string a sentence together without slipping a ‘shit’ or ‘fucking’ in there somewhere. He yanks out his earphone violently and wraps them around his iPod before shoving it into his blazer pocket.</p><p>“Sorry,” Phil says. He’s not really apologetic. “If I leave you alone after this, can I ask a question.”</p><p>“If you know what’s good for you, you’ll leave me alone now.”</p><p>Phil swallows the lump in his throat. “What does that mean?”</p><p>“It means you should fuck off, right now.”</p><p>“Why are you so angry?” Phil doesn’t remember ever being this outgoing before, but the guy is his own age, and clearly not that much of a threat – beyond the mental problems he seems to have.</p><p>Daniel stares him down. “Are you ever going to leave?”</p><p>“I will if you let me ask a question,” Phil replies.</p><p>Daniel takes off his schoolbag and throws it down onto the grass before sitting cross-legged near the ashes. Phil stares after him, unsure of how to react.</p><p>“Fucking sit down then,” Daniel growls.</p><p>Phil sits opposite again, ash marking the ground between them. He idly wonders if Daniel has more books packed in his school satchel, waiting to be burnt. What a waste of resources, when there are children in Africa without a single piece of paper to their name, and Daniel burns the books he doesn’t like.</p><p>“Why are you doing all this? What’s the point in burning books just to make a point?”</p><p>“Transgressive art,” Daniel replies simply.</p><p>“Art?”</p><p>“All life is art,” the boy says. “This is how I live my life. It’s my art.”</p><p>“But you’re not even crea–”</p><p>Daniel interjects, “You can fuck off now.”</p><p>“What if I don’t want to?”</p><p>Daniel’s lips curl into a dark, sadistic smile. “Then maybe I’ll burn you too.”</p><p>Any other person probably would have run a mile in the other direction by now, but Phil doesn’t feel threatened by Daniel. If he really wanted to harm Phil, wouldn’t he have done it by now? Daniel’s probably just another fucked-up teenager, but at least he’s taking his anger out on books. Books can’t feel pain, or at least Phil doesn’t think they can.</p><p>“You don’t scare me.”</p><p>“I should.”</p><p>Phil says, “Do you want to go somewhere?”</p><p>Daniel blinks at him then frowns, face contorted with confusion. “Go where? What are you talking about? You’re still invading my fucking privacy. You’ve asked your question, now go.”</p><p>Phil notices that Daniel doesn’t say ‘Fuck off!’ like he usually does.</p><p>“We could go to the chippy or something,” he suggests.</p><p>“Why would I want to go anywhere with you?”</p><p>“I’ll pay.”</p><p>Phil wants to see what Daniel’s like away from this hill. It’s obvious that the other boy bares his soul whenever he’s up here. Phil’s intruded on his privacy but maybe he’ll be easier to talk to when he’s not a few metres away from a bloody cliff. There’s no denying that Daniel is the most interesting person he’s met in the village so far, and he’s just as alone as Phil feels. Maybe they could forge an alliance.</p><p>“I have my own money, thank you,” Daniel spits. “Get lost.”</p><p>So Phil does. He walks down the hill, away from the harbour, up the road, into the chippy, then returns to Dan’s hideout with two lots of sausage and chips, with a can of Coke each. It smells delicious but Phil forces himself not to eat any of the chips on his way. He won’t have much of an appetite for dinner but his mum will probably be working late again anyway.</p><p>“What the fuck is wrong with you?”</p><p>“Says you,” Phil quips. He hands over the polystyrene container and, to his surprise, Daniel actually opens it. Then he grimaces.</p><p>“I’m vegetarian.”</p><p>Phil says, “Then I’ll have your sausage,” and swipes the sausage from Daniel’s container for his own.</p><p>“You bought Coke? Don’t you know they drain wells in India?”</p><p>Phil fights the urge to laugh because Daniel isn’t just pretentious, he’s a hippie. For someone who burns books and thinks nothing of it, he certainly seems to have a conscious on the subject of animals and major corporations.</p><p>“I thought destruction was the way forward,” Phil tells him.</p><p>“Leaving entire communities to die isn’t beneficial destruction, it’s murder.”</p><p>Phil opens his Coke and takes a sip. He might just be projecting but he swears it doesn’t taste as good as it usually does.</p><p>“You have some pretty strong opinions.”</p><p>“Not an opinion,” Daniel scowls. “I hate people who say that. It’s the truth, not an opinion.”</p><p>“You have some pretty strong truths, then,” Phil amends.</p><p>Daniel says, “The truth is ugly.”</p><p>“Just like you then,” Phil teases. He swears he sees the permanent glower Daniel wears almost crack, but it might just be a trick of the light.</p><p>“At least I don’t look like a horse’s backside,” Daniel shoots.</p><p>Phil laughs loudly at that, struggling to keep it in any longer. The other boy doesn’t smile but he doesn’t look too displeased. After they eat their chips – and Phil eats the two sausages – he’s tempted to stay a little while longer, but he knows that his mum will be suspicious. Maybe he can fit in one cig before he has to go.</p><p>When he pulls a pack out of his pocket, Daniel says, “And you have a go at me for being destructive?”</p><p>“It calms my nerves.”</p><p>“Bullshit.” Daniel smirks, and it’s the closest to a smile Phil has ever seen on him.</p><p>“Fine then.”</p><p>Deciding to be the melodramatic one for once, he gets to his feet and lights up the cigarette, preparing to leave. Daniel can deal with the food containers. Phil picks up his school bag and blows a puff of smoke in Daniel’s direction before leaving. The boy flinches, scowls, then turns away.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>“Have you asked that friend over for tea yet?”</p><p>Phil feigns innocence. “Oh no, I forgot. Sorry.”</p><p>His mum nods but she doesn’t look convinced; he can’t blame her anymore. He figures that she was bound to figure out he was full of bullshit one of these days. Phil prides himself on being a good liar, but it’s hard to do it to his mum. She’ll feel guilty now. She’ll blame herself.</p><p>“Morgan’s busy at the moment,” he adds. “We’ve got a Maths exam coming up.”</p><p>“Is it the real thing?” she asks. “For the GCSE?”</p><p>He nods. Her expression is more understand now; she’ll let him off.</p><p>Switching schools right before his final year of high school isn’t the best decision they’ve every made, especially not with how he’d already done half of his GCSEs back home. Luckily his new school have assured him that he’ll get the full GCSEs he needs without too many problems. People have switched midway through the year, they told him. Other people have done worse.</p><p>How comforting.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Phil goes up to the cliffs on Saturday, telling his mum he needs a break from all the revision he’s not actually doing. He’ll get around to it eventually. It’s not like he’s all that bad at Maths; he can wing it. Daniel is there again, this time he’s actually reading a book.</p><p>“You’re not burning this one,” he notes dryly.</p><p>“That’s because it’s a good book,” Daniel replies haughtily.</p><p>“What’s it called?”</p><p>Despite his contacts, he can’t quite read it in the bright light. The sun has decided to make an appearance in Wales for today, shining down on the kingdom of pale flesh and long road names. Phil realises that, in the three weeks he’s been in this village, it’s only rained about twice. He knows the coast is supposed to be warmer but this is Wales.</p><p>“Invisible Monsters.”</p><p>Phil sits across from Daniel. The boy barely looks up from the page he’s reading. He’s wearing a soft grey hoody that makes his body appear slightly bigger, even with his small frame.</p><p>“Who’s it by?”</p><p>Daniel sighs, as though he’d rather be somewhere else, away from Phil. Yet he still doesn’t tell him to fuck off.</p><p>“Chuck Palahniuk. He wrote Fight Club.”</p><p>Phil can’t help but blurt out, “I knew it!” and breaks into laughter.</p><p>Daniel glares at him. “You knew what?”</p><p>“I knew you’d watched Fight Club or something.”</p><p>“I’ve read it, not watched it.”</p><p>“Alright then,” Phil chuckles. “I’ve never seen it.”</p><p>“Then how do you know about it?”</p><p>“Pop culture, Daniel,” he grins.</p><p>The other boy frowns. “Don’t call me that.”</p><p>“Then what do I call you?”</p><p>“Dan.”</p><p>Phil smiles. “Right then.”</p><p>“You need to read the book.”</p><p>“I don’t read much,” Phil grimaces.</p><p>“Your loss.” Dan seems oddly…friendly now. It unnerves Phil slightly, that the boy isn’t swearing or glowering at him. But it feels like progress.</p><p>They stay silent as Dan flips the pages of the books methodically and Phil stares out at the flowing waves of the Irish Sea. Anything can be hidden beneath the waves, he thinks. There’s a whole world under the sea that nobody ever gets to see. But maybe that’s good; if humans could breathe underwater and go down there, they’d destroy that land too.</p><p>“Whereabouts do you live?”</p><p>Dan raises an eyebrow, looking half bemused and half concerned.</p><p>“I mean, you’re practically always here. Don’t you ever go home?”</p><p>“This is my home.”</p><p>Because that’s not melodramatic, Phil thinks. No. Not at all.</p><p>“To your house, then?”</p><p>Dan reaches into the pocket of his hoody and pulls out the iPod Phil saw him with before. Completely ignoring Phil, he puts the earphones into his ears and starts scrolling through his music library. Phil watches him do it but doesn’t quite know how to react. The other boy is probably the weirdest person he’s ever met.</p><p>“Just ignore me then,” Phil mutters to himself. “Just listen to your bloody music. I’ll just talk to myself.”</p><p>Despite Phil’s best efforts, Dan doesn’t say anything else to him; he just reads his book with his music loud enough for Phil to hear the vibrations off, the faint drumming. Surely it can’t be safe to listen to music at such a high volume but Dan doesn’t seem to care. After almost an hour, Phil is getting sick of the sound of his own voice and the uncomfortable glare of the sun. He gets up to leave.</p><p>“You need to stop asking stupid questions,” Dan says suddenly.</p><p>“Will you talk to me if I don’t?”</p><p>“I suppose,” Dan shrugs.</p><p>“I thought you hated me?”</p><p>Dan’s brow furrows. “I don’t hate anyone. I thought you were just another one of those people.”</p><p>“What people?”</p><p>“The kind that hang around me so they can go back and tell their friends about how fucked up I am.”</p><p>Phil’s stomach drops. “I wouldn’t do that. Besides, I don’t even have any friends.”</p><p>Dan smirks. “Yeah, I can see that.”</p><p>“Wow, thanks,” Phil shoots back sarcastically. “You’re just bursting with compliments, aren’t you?”</p><p>Dan growls at him but it’s playful. Perhaps this lunatic hippie actually has a sense of humour, Phil thinks. He’s a lot more fascinating than Morgan or the rest of the people at school. Dan might put on a fierce expression but really he sits up on the cliff tops burning – and occasionally reading – books with his iPod; he’s not exactly gangster material.</p><p>“Are you going home now?” Dan asks. Phil realises that he’s still stood up.</p><p>“I probably should,” he says. “I’ve got homework and revision to do.”</p><p>“Right.”</p><p>Then Dan goes back to his book. No good-byes, no ‘see you later’s. He doesn’t even seem to care anymore. Phil leaves and looks behind himself a few times; Dan isn’t even watching after him.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>It’s Monday night and Phil is making revision cards in front of the TV, thinking about all the better things he could be doing, when his mum walks in and says, “Phil, can we talk?” in her serious voice. That’s never a good sign.</p><p>“What’s up?” Phil asks, still scribbling information down onto a revision card.</p><p>“I want an explanation,” his mum says crossly. “I know you’re 16 now and you have your own life…but you better have a good one for this.”</p><p>“Wait, what?”</p><p>Then his mum pulls something out of her pocket, pauses for dramatic effect, then presents the pack of cigarettes he bought from the off-license only the day before. He hadn’t gotten around to hiding them yet but they’d been in the side pocket of his jacket.</p><p>“I was hanging this up for you because you left it on the floor, again, when I found these,” she explains. “So would you like to explain these before I get really angry?”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” is the first thing he says. “I’m sorry, I just – I forgot I had them in there. They’re for a friend.”</p><p>The look she gives him is full of disapproval; Phil feels guilty for trying to lie to her. He’s probably blown it now.</p><p>“I should have known,” she smiles bitterly. “You’re always going out for ‘walks’ at night. I don’t know what I was thinking. You know, a part of me thought you had some girl?”</p><p>Phil’s head drops down and his grip on the revision cards loosens until they descend to the floor like the fluttering of wings.</p><p>“I thought you were sneaking out to see your girlfriend or something,” his mum continues. “I thought you were finally happy somewhere.”</p><p>“Mum, I’m gay.”</p><p>There; he’s said it. No more hiding his sexuality from his mother. She’ll be supportive, that he knows. She’s not homophobic in the slightest. As far as mother’s go, he’s doing well for himself.</p><p>But what she really says surprises him. “Oh my God,” she gasps. “I didn’t– I had no idea.”</p><p>Now Phil is the confused one. How the hell hadn’t she figured out something by now? Phil’s never had a girlfriend, never had many female friends in general, and he isn’t the most typically masculine guy. He was considered camp in the earlier year of high schools, mainly because he was a late bloomer.</p><p>“You never seemed it…I don’t know what to– Are you sure?” she asks. She looks let down, face creased with confusion.</p><p>For the first time in his life, Phil feels truly disappointed by his own mother. Blinking away the stinging in his eyes, he storms out of the room and straight out the front door. He doesn’t have a jacket with him – he’s still in his school uniform for god’s sake – but he knows exactly where he’s going. His phone is in his pocket, on silent. The sun has set and it’s getting chilly.</p><p>He’s not crying. No, he’s not. It’s just the cold, and the wind. The weather here is shit, he thinks. He tries not to think about what he has to go back home to now. He never expected his mum to really care about his sexuality, never mind question it when he comes out to her.</p><p>“Are you crying?” Dan asks him.</p><p>There’s a burning book on a pile of stones in front of him; his very own literary campfire.</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“What’s wrong?”</p><p>“Nothing,” Phil answers sharply.</p><p>“This is kind of ironic.”</p><p>Phil frowns. “What is?”</p><p>“Now you’re the one who doesn’t want to talk.”</p><p>Phil swallows down the lump in his throat and wipes at his cheeks to check that they’re dry. They’re mostly dry but he’ll let any stray tears be forgotten. It’s just the wind chill, he tells himself.</p><p>“I just came out to my mum,” he divulges, the words leaving his lips before he can stop them.</p><p>Dan’s eyes widen dramatically, lit by the flames between them. “What?”</p><p>“I just told my mum I’m gay.”</p><p>Phil doesn’t know why he’s telling Dan this. It’s doubtful that the other boy will give a shit. What if Dan’s homophobic? He might have fucked up his relationship with the only other English boy in Rhagfyr, and the only person who’s ever actually intrigued him.</p><p>“What did she say?”</p><p>It’s Phil’s turn to be bitter now. He laughs desperately, “She asked if I was sure.”</p><p>“That’s cold,” Dan comments.</p><p>Dan is acting like a completely normal human being – minus the book fire – and Phil thinks it’s starting to freak him out a little bit. He’s accepting comfort from the local Palahniuk-enthusiast; this probably won’t stand as one of the best days of his life.</p><p>“I’m never going home,” Phil sighs. He doesn’t mean it; he knows he has to.</p><p>Dan scratches at an invisible itch on his neck and suggests, “You could stay with me for tonight, if you need to.”</p><p>“Really?”</p><p>“I could put up with you for one night.”</p><p>“But what about your brother? Would he be okay with it?”</p><p>Dan says, “I don’t live with him. He has his own place. I still live at home.”</p><p>The subject of parents has never come up with Dan, and probably for good reason. Morgan never mentioned anything but Dan and Butcher’s other family members but they don’t seem to be around and, up until now, Phil had just assumed that they had passed on.</p><p>“I don’t have my pyjamas or anything,” Phil points out. “And all my homework is at home.”</p><p>“Fucking hell,” Dan swears loudly. “I can lend you a fucking t-shirt to sleep in, stop being so dramatic about it. Just pick up your homework in the morning or something.”</p><p>And that’s the story of how Phil ended up sleeping at a complete stranger’s – Dan’s – house.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>“This is your house?”</p><p>It’s a cottage on the other side of the hill, on a road with a few other houses along it. For some reason, Phil had expected it to be a mansion built into the cliff side or something. It needed to be just as pretentious and hipster as Dan was.</p><p>“No, we’re just breaking in,” Dan mutters sarcastically.</p><p>He pulls out a key and opens the tall wooden door. The curtains are all drawn, blocking any view inside. Dan reaches in to turn on a light as Phil steps inside. The floor is wooden and polished; Dan certainly isn’t living in poverty.</p><p>“Shouldn’t you text your mum so she knows you haven’t been kidnapped or something?”</p><p>Phil hasn’t dared to look at his phone, dreading the vast amount of missed calls and text messages his mother has undoubtedly sent him. He cautiously pulls the mobile out and turns on the screen.</p><p>9 missed calls. 5 messages.</p><p>It could be worse, he tells himself. He completely avoids reading any of the messages but types out ‘I’m okay. Don’t worry.’ and sends it to her. This way, she can’t say he left her with too many questions. He’s never going to win a Best Son of the Year competition but he tried.</p><p>“What did she say?” Dan asks.</p><p>They’re still stood in the hallway with the big light on and the door wide open. There’s nobody passing by but Phil feels like leaving the door open is a bad choice. There’s a flight of stairs on the left of the room, the banister leading up into darkness.</p><p>“I didn’t look.”</p><p>Dan nods then closes the door with one swift kick before heading across the hallway and through a door. Phil follows him, tucking his phone away again. Everything here is surprisingly clean and well-ordered. It’s understandable; Dan spends all his time out by the bloody cliffs.</p><p>“Do you need something to eat?”</p><p>Phil shakes his head. He’d had plenty of snacks after he got home, as a reward for surviving the Monday. The kitchen is a small room, with stone-tiled flooring and a beige colour scheme to make the room look larger in the daylight. There’s a table for four that still has plastic covering over it.</p><p>Dan then gestures for Phil to follow him out into the hallway. He jumps up the stairs like it’s his second nature, dissolving into the darkness. Phil goes up with him, watching as Dan turns on the tall lamp to light up the landing. There are four doors, the room at the end presumably being the bathroom.</p><p>“Fuck,” Dan swears.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I forgot. Aaron’s old room is locked. I can’t remember where the key is.”</p><p>Phil suggests, “I could sleep on the sofa?”</p><p>“They’re tiny. I can’t fit on them anymore,” Dan frowns.</p><p>“Well…what then?”</p><p>Dan says, “You’ll share with me.”</p><p>“Okay,” Phil mumbles. “Thanks.”</p><p>“It’s only for one night,” Dan warns.</p><p>“I know. But thanks.”</p><p>Dan nods and enters the bedroom nearest to the stairs, switching on a light on his way in. Phil follows him and is immediately taken back by the sheer amount of detail covering the walls. There are posters, paintings and drawings covering every visible inch of wall, most of them looking hand-done. Dan must be something of an artiste.</p><p>“Wow,” he blurts out. “Did you do all this?”</p><p>Dan nods then goes straight to a chest of drawers. There’s no mess on the floor, but then again the other boy seems to spend most of his time on the cliffs. There’s a double bed, looking mostly unslept in. A large window takes up most of the outer wall, but the sky outside is dark.</p><p>“You can sleep in this,” Dan throws a plain t-shirt in his direction.</p><p>Then he leaves Phil alone in the room, presumably to get changed, and Phil can hear Dan brushing his teeth in the bathroom. He pulls off his school uniform until he’s only wearing his boxers – which thankfully are just a boring grey, rather than a pair of his Superman-themed briefs – and then pulls on the t-shirt, which smells faintly of vanilla fabric softener.</p><p>There’s no way Phil can use Dan’s toothbrush, nor would Dan ever let him, so he just accepts that one missed night of brushing his pegs won’t cause them to fall out of his head. It might cause some bad breath but he’ll live.</p><p>Dan strides back into the room and immediately starts undressing unabashedly. Phil looks away out of courtesy and examines some of the paintings on the wall. There’s a crude figure of a woman’s face rotting away; a zombie with a sad smile. So Dan is just as fucked up as he previously thought.</p><p>“My alarm’s for seven,” Dan tells him.</p><p>Dan climbs into bed wearing black boxers and an oversized Nirvana t-shirt that looks like it’s had at least three previous owners. It feels a little odd to be being this close to another boy when they’re not wearing much, but Phil swears to himself that he’s not going to fuck this up.</p><p>He’s had sleepovers before. So maybe most of those were sleepovers where he ended up having sex with someone but this is different. He just needs to take Dan’s hospitality with good grace and tomorrow morning he’ll go back home and have an awkward chat with his mum before school, provided that she hasn’t left for work before he gets there.</p><p>Phil climbs in on the other side of the bed. He prays to every deity who might be listening that he doesn’t wake up with morning wood, though he know he’s probably going to. He’s a teenager – that he can’t deny. But now Dan knows he’s gay and will probably think Phil’s going to molest him if he wakes up and sees that the guest he took in for the night is sporting an erection whilst sleeping in the same bed as him.</p><p>“Stop thinking so loud,” Dan mumbles.</p><p>Phil almost jumps out of his skin. Dan is facing away from him, head down on the pillow, but Phil can visualise the smirk Dan must be wearing. He feels slightly uncomfortable with his own body now. He’d snuck a glance at Dan’s bare legs before and they were impressively tanned, though quite hairless.</p><p>“How can you hear me thinking?” Phil shoots back.</p><p>“You grind your teeth whenever you start thinking about something.”</p><p>“I didn’t know I did that.”</p><p>Dan sighs. “Well you do, and it’s annoying.”</p><p>“Sorry,” Phil replies back softly. He had to be polite here; Dan’s been nice enough to take him in.</p><p>“Just go to sleep.”</p><p>About three hours later, that’s just what Phil does.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Phil wakes before the alarm; the sun is streaming in through the windows. Despite the shining light in the room, Dan is still sleeping. He’s facing Phil now, with his lips slightly parted and his hair mussed from the pillow. It’s not attractive, Phil tells himself. Not at all.</p><p>His cock is slightly aroused, though he blames his rowdy adolescent hormones. If he can sneak off to the toilet now and take care of himself in private, Dan will never need to know. He slips out from under the duvet and creeps across the carpet and out onto the landing. Dan’s house is different in the morning light; it feels a lot more open.</p><p>“Where the fuck are you going?” Dan’s voice calls.</p><p>Phil holds in a surprised yelp and calls back, “Toilet!” before locking himself in the bathroom.</p><p>He takes care of himself quickly and quietly, running the tap so as not to arouse any suspicion from Dan. There’s a loud knock on the door just as Phil is cleaning up with the hand soap.</p><p>“Are you having a shower or what?” Dan sounds groggy. “If you are, do it now so there’s enough time.”</p><p>In lieu of a response, Phil turns on the shower and starts stripping down. He hears the faint padding of feet moving across the hallway and then he takes the quickest shower of his life. Pissing off Dan is definitely not a good idea, so he needs to take up as little space and time as he can.</p><p>He scrambles out of the bathroom with a towel tied around his bare waist with his boxers and Dan’s t-shirt in one hand. Dan immediately pushes past him to get into the bathroom and then Phil goes back to Dan’s bedroom to get changed. He has to wear his boxers inside-out but he’ll live. He uses some of Dan’s deodorant to stop himself from smelling rank and cards his fingers through his wet, black hair.</p><p>Dan is still in the shower when Phil, now dressed in his school uniform, goes downstairs to try and scout out breakfast. It’s at that moment when the front door opens and Butcher steps into the hallway, closing the door behind him. When he turns and almost backs into Phil, he gasps loudly and almost drops the collection of plastic bags he’s holding.</p><p>“Jesus fucking Christ,” he swears loudly. “You gave me a fright. Sorry for the language.”</p><p>“It’s fine.” He wonders if Butcher recognises him.</p><p>“You’re Paul, right?”</p><p>“Phil,” he corrects.</p><p>“If you don’t mind me asking, what exactly are you doing here?”</p><p>Phil coughs awkwardly. “I’m a friend of Dan’s and he let me stay over for the night.”</p><p>“Dan doesn’t have any friends,” Butcher says, then he pales, as if realising that he shouldn’t have said that.</p><p>“I got into an argument with my mum and needed a place to stay,” Phil explains. Well technically Dan had offered, but Phil hadn’t complained much.</p><p>“Oh,” Butcher says. “Do you mind if I just put these in the kitchen? They weigh a ton.”</p><p>Phil nods and takes one of the shopping bags off Butcher to help. It’s full of what looks like the basic food essentials, though there’s a significantly large amount of fruit. Phil hears the faint squeak of the shower shutting off. It’s only 7:10. He’d only just be waking up at this time if he was back at his house.</p><p>“I didn’t know you and Dan were friends,” Butcher laughs a little awkwardly.</p><p>“We met in school,” Phil replies.</p><p>He helps Butcher to put all the food away, chatting about exams and schoolwork as they go. He’s thankful that Dan’s brother doesn’t ask what the argument with his mum was about; he doesn’t want to lie but also doesn’t want to land himself in any awkward conversations. Butcher shows him the cereal cupboard and Phil makes himself a bowl of Shreddies as they talk.</p><p>Dan comes down, fully dressed – and with a head of dry, straightened hair – at around 7.35, and now he understands why Dan sets his alarm earlier than he does. Usually Phil would just blow dry his hair straight and ignore the straighteners.</p><p>“Morning,” Dan greets his brother, face fresh but unsmiling.</p><p>Butcher says, “You could have warned me Phil was staying over, I almost had a heart attack. For a second there, I thought he was a burglar or something.”</p><p>“A burglar in school uniform?” Phil jokes.</p><p>“I was about to pull out some of my old taekwondo tricks,” Butcher grins. “You’re just lucky I didn’t put you in a headlock.”</p><p>Phil smirks and he and Butcher shoot teases back and forth as Dan fixes himself a bowl of cereal, looking very bored with their conversation. Butcher has to leave to open up the shop but he ruffles Dan’s hair affectionately on his way out.</p><p>“Your brother’s a real laugh,” Phil smiles.</p><p>Dan carries on munching through his cereal, barely looking up.</p><p>“Are you okay?”</p><p>Dan doesn’t answer him then, or later when they’re clearing away the cereal bowls, or even when they’re about to walk out the door. What he does do, however, is push Phil up against the wall only a metre or so away from the front door and stare straight at him.</p><p>“I don’t care that you’re gay,” he says.</p><p>Then Dan grabs his satchel, opens the front door and walks out, leaving Phil more confused than ever. Phil follows as they walk over the hill again, into the harbour area. Dan keeps heading for school when Phil has to return home again. He doesn’t want to go back home now, not when his mum is probably ready to kill him. His phone had run out of battery during the night, preventing him from receiving any contact from her.</p><p>He’s fucked.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>“I am so disappointed in you.”</p><p>This is it, Phil thinks. He has a homophobic mother. He’s every gay film cliché since the beginning of cinema. He’s going to end up getting kicked out the house and he’ll have to beg Dan to sleep over at his every night and he’ll wake up with awkward erections after dreams about Dan’s long, tanned legs for the rest of his adolescence.</p><p>“You couldn’t just answer one of my million calls or messages?” his mum rants on. “I spent the whole night trying to get a hold of you. Where have you been?”</p><p>Phil is silent, which only makes her reaction worse.</p><p>“Have you gone mute now?” She’s borderline hysterical, her mascara smeared under her eyes. “Where have you been all night?”</p><p>“At a friend’s,” he mumbles.</p><p>“Which friend? Morgan?”</p><p>Phil considers saying yes, but then decides against it. He’d rather not get Morgan into trouble and lose the only school friend he has so far; he doesn’t count Dan as a school friend, especially not since Dan has barely shown up so far. His mum is still glaring down at him so he quickly shakes his head.</p><p>“Who?”</p><p>“It doesn’t matter,” Phil mutters. “I’m sorry I didn’t ring you.”</p><p>She laughs exasperatedly. “That’s not even the point, Philip.” She’s using his last name; this isn’t looking good.</p><p>“Anything could have happened to you,” she says. “And I wouldn’t know anything. What kind of mother would I look?”</p><p>“Right, I get it.”</p><p>“No you don’t get it,” she begins, but he cuts her off.</p><p>“If you’re going to kick me out, just do it now and spare me the speech.”</p><p>It’s possibly the rudest he’s ever been to his mum, but somehow it makes he feel strong in this situation. If he’s going to get yelled at and asked to leave home, he’s not just going to go down without a fight. He expects his mum to become even more enraged but her face creases in perplexion.</p><p>“Kick you out?” she asks. “Why would I do that?”</p><p>Phil stares at her for a few seconds before muttering, “Because I’m gay.”</p><p>That’s when she really loses it.</p><p>“You think I’d– Philip, how could you think that?” she deplores him. “God, I don’t care that you’re gay. That’s– that’s not the problem here. The problem is you disappearing off into the night and not telling me anything more ‘I’m okay’. It’s just not on, Phil.”</p><p>He’s hit with the sudden urge to curl up into a ball on the living room carpet and cringe about this moment for the rest of his life. He has about 10 minutes before he needs to leave for school but that’s still not soon enough.</p><p>“I love you, Phil,” his mum says. She moves across to sit next to him on the sofa and wraps her arms around him. “I always will,” she whispers.</p><p>So maybe Phil doesn’t have a crazy, homophobic mother. Just a very pissed one who takes his phone away from him and tells him that if she ever sees him smoking a cigarette again, they’ll never find his body. She’s smiling at him now but he knows that it will take some time for her to forgive him about the smoking.</p><p>He just considers himself lucky he still has a home.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>“So who was this friend then?” his mum asks him the a few days later at dinner.</p><p>Phil hasn’t been back to Dan’s since the night he slept over. He thinks it’s best not to disappear off into the night and risk his mum thinking he’s back to smoking again. In all honesty, he’s still feeling the nagging withdrawal symptoms of his nicotine addiction. He desperately wants a cigarette but he knows that his mum would personally put a hit out on him if he ever tried to buy one again. She’s probably told all the local shops not to serve him.</p><p>Now that they’re no longer arguing, she seems pretty interested on who Phil’s mystery friend is. He can understand her curiosity but he wishes she’d told asking questions. He answers her, only in order to not look like he’s hiding something.</p><p>“Just a friend from school,” Phil replies coolly. Being casual is key here, he thinks as he swallows a large mouthful of mushy peas.</p><p>“Just a friend?” She looks smug, somehow knowing.</p><p>Phil nods. “Why?”</p><p>“Just thought you might have a boyfriend or something,” she smiles. Phil resists the urge to glower at his mother.</p><p>“Not every male friend I have is a boyfriend, Mum,” he sighs.</p><p>“Well if he’s not your boyfriend, you’ll have no problems asking him around for tea then?”</p><p>She’s coy, undeniably so. She’s still desperate to see proof that Phil actually has friends. Dan is more interesting than Morgan but he’s got a short fuse and he’s unpredictable. All the talk about Fight Club might not amuse his mother as much as it amuses Phil. But maybe that’s what he needs; he could scare his mum into never asking about his friends again.</p><p>“I can ask,” Phil says.</p><p>“What’s his name?”</p><p>“Dan.”</p><p>“What does it look like? I might have seen him around the village,” his mother chatters on.</p><p>That’s unlikely, Phil thinks. Dan spends most of his time up on the hills, from what he’s seen of the boy so far.</p><p>“He’s about my height,” Phil answers. “Brown hair, kind of skinny, brown eyes–”</p><p>“You noticed his eyes?” his mother chuckles slyly. “Are you sure he’s not your boyfriend?”</p><p>Phil groans. “No, he’s not my boyfriend.”</p><p>“But do you want him to be?”</p><p>The slight pause he leaves before answering is enough to make his mum raise an eyebrow and smile to herself.</p><p>“For god’s sake mum,” he huffs. “No.”</p><p>She bites into a fish finger with a smirk.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>“Where’ve you been?”</p><p>“My mum made me stay home to revise,” Phil tells him. It’s not a complete lie.</p><p>It’s a Friday afternoon and Phil’s managed to slip out of his mum’s radar after school, under the guise of going over to a friend’s. Dan’s looking up from his book for the sole purpose of scowling at him. There was a time, not at all long ago, when Dan would be screaming at him to leave. Now he’s actually reading a book, not burning it, and he’s actually asking Phil where he’s been.</p><p>“Did you tell her where you went?”</p><p>Phil knows what Dan’s really asking; ‘Did you tell her about me?’</p><p>“I told her I was at a friend’s,” Phil answers. “I told her your name, not much else.”</p><p>Dan swears loudly, “Fuck.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Why do you have to draw attention to me? Why couldn’t you just say it was one of those stupid twats from school? Like, Morgana, or whatever his fucking name is.”</p><p>“You do realise that Morgana is a girl’s name, right?” Phil laughs. “I think you’ve been watching too much Merlin.”</p><p>He swears he can see Dan blush from behind his book.</p><p>“Shut up,” he growls.</p><p>Phil is laughing hard now. “All that talk about transgressive art and you’re a Merlin fan?”</p><p>“Shut the fuck up.”</p><p>“You don’t scare me,” Phil grins.</p><p>“Really?” Dan returns his grin with a far more menacing one, before launching himself at Phil.</p><p>Phil’s back hits the long grass with a soft thud. The harbour is out of view, hidden behind the trees. They’re not too far from the cliffs and the long fall down into the sea, but even with Dan straddling him and trying to maul him, he feels safe. It’s an odd feeling.</p><p>“Still not scary,” Phil shouts amusedly. “Try harder.”</p><p>So Dan bites him, and holy fuck, that hurts. It’s right on his neck, just where the collar of his school shirt is. Dan pulls back and even he looks a tad surprised by how close his teeth were to piercing through Phil’s skin.</p><p>“Fucking hell,” Phil hisses.</p><p>“Thought you weren’t scared of me?”</p><p>Phil shoots back, “No, but that doesn’t mean that you can just bite me.”</p><p>Dan climbs off him and kneels on the grass nearby, watching Phil carefully.</p><p>“You take the destruction thing way too seriously,” Phil jokes. “I think you just took a chunk out of my neck.”</p><p>“And I’m the dramatic one? Stop overreacting, I practically grazed you.” Dan’s smirking now. Phil pretends not to notice how attractive Dan looks when he’s smug.</p><p>“You better not be a vampire or something,” Phil warns mockingly.</p><p>“This isn’t Twilight, Phil.”</p><p>It’s probably the first time Dan’s really addressed him by his name.</p><p>Phil grins. “You’re no Edward Cullen.”</p><p>“Fuck you.”</p><p>“With pleasure,” Phil shoots back before realising that maybe he’s crossed a line here. There’s friendly flirting and then there’s this.</p><p>“Jesus fucking Christ. You’re really gay, aren’t you?”</p><p>Phil frowns. “Was that not clear by the whole coming out thing? And it’s not such a bad thing.”</p><p>“I never said it was.”</p><p>“Right,” Phil replies a little too quickly.</p><p>“Want to know something?” Dan asks him. “We’re not all that different, me and you.”</p><p>The suggestive tone in his voice leaves nothing to the imagination. Dan is only a few inches away, kneeled on the grass with his school shirt slightly pulled up from when he’d wrestled Phil to the ground. Dan’s eyes are dark as night and his breath is just as shallow as Phil’s.</p><p>Giving into the seductive coyness of Dan’s glances, Phil pushes the other boy to the ground and kneels over him. Dan’s legs part immediately, allowing for Phil’s to slide between them. They’re sharing breaths now, waiting for the other to make another move.</p><p>“Fuck, you kept me waiting,” Dan whispers breathily.</p><p>Phil leans down and kisses Dan hard, their bodies grinding together. They’re fully clothed and on a hill by an incredibly dangerous cliff but all Phil wants to do is kiss the ever-living fuck out of the boy underneath him. Dan is just as eager, wrapping his legs around Phil’s waist to bring him closer. Phil’s half-hard dick is basking in the glory of rubbing against Dan’s body.</p><p>“Are you hard?” Dan breaks away to ask. He reaches down to squeeze Phil’s erection through his school trousers.</p><p>Phil can see the matching tent in Dan’s trousers and attaches their lips together again, slipping a tongue into Dan’s mouth. He’s made out with plenty of people before but this is definitely the most exciting experience of his entire adolescence so far. Dan, who’s usually so closed up and bitter, is rutting against him and groping for his dick. It’s a beautiful – and very sexy – sight.</p><p>“Let me take care of that.”</p><p>Dan pushes him until Phil rolls over onto his back and then Dan lays one kiss on his lips before moving downwards and going to town. It occurs to Phil, in the middle of the haze of lust that surrounds him, that they really shouldn’t be doing this out here, in a technically public area. Luckily they’re protected from the view of anyone down in the harbour but Phil is not a voyeur and he certainly doesn’t want to get arrested for public indecency.</p><p>The first thing Dan says when he unzips Phil’s trousers and pulls his hard cock out of his boxers is, “You’re fucking huge.”</p><p>Phil doesn’t really know how to respond to that. It’s nothing he hasn’t heard before but he still doesn’t know how to react to it. Fortunately Dan adds, “But I can handle it.”</p><p>Dan swallows down half of his cock in one swift motion and Phil can’t hold back his moan of pleasure. The other boy is definitely no stranger to giving blowjobs, and he’s fucking fantastic at it. Phil’s fingers caress the soft, thick hair at the top of Dan’s head. He has to resist the urge to keep his hips down and not thrust upwards.</p><p>“Fuck,” he grunts. “Fucking– fuck. Don’t stop. Holy fuck.”</p><p>Dan pulls off slowly and asks, “Do you know any other words than ‘fuck’?”</p><p>Phil glares at him but then Dan is mouthing the head of his cock and the sensation feels so good that his face breaks into a content smile. Dan squeezes the base of Phil’s cock with his hand then sucks him down again, taking in more of Phil than anyone who’s given him a blowjob before.</p><p>All of his previous lovers – he calls them that rather than ‘fucks’, because he’s not that much of a slut – had complained about his size, saying that there was too much to work with. Porn had given Phil such an unrealistic expectation of how people would react to a cock of his size. Dan, however, seems very appreciative.</p><p>They’re out in the open air, the breeze ruffling Dan’s hair slightly. If anyone were to walk up onto the hill now, at least Phil’s dick would be covered by Dan’s mouth. Does that technically mean that it isn’t public indecency, if the erections partaking in the sexual act can’t be seen? Phil thinks so but a judge probably wouldn’t have the same perspective.</p><p>Dan bobs up and down on his cock, sucking eagerly. Phil can feel his orgasm building at the base of his spine, a spark of electricity threatening to overtake his entire body. Dan’s lips look unbearably red stretched over his dick and it makes Phil want to do something primal like thrust right up into Dan’s hot, wet mouth. It takes every ounce of self-control he has to keep his hips still.</p><p>“I’m close,” Phil warns him. Dan doesn’t pull off; he doesn’t even acknowledge that Phil said anything.</p><p>When Phil comes only a minute later in a blinding frenzy of lust and ecstasy, Dan swallows every last drop of his come and moans around Phil’s cock contentedly. It’s then that Phil realises that he is well and truly fucked.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Phil spends his entire weekend locked away in his room, trying to do this homework but instead fantasising about the blowjob again. Dan had been so hot; Phil’s cock is sore from all the dirty dreams he’s having about him. He doesn’t know what this means – what Dan wants from whatever they have going on – but Dan had given him the best blowjob of his life, and then left.</p><p>He doesn’t want to push it with his mum by leaving the house for a long amount of time again. The incident with Dan had taken the edge off his nicotine withdrawal but now he would gladly claw off his own skin to get at a cigarette. His mum had made him give up every cig he had stashed away and Phil – like an idiot – had handed them all over.</p><p>When school’s out on Monday afternoon, he needs a cigarette more than he needs air. It’s a grim, rainy day, Dan didn’t show up for school, the exam pressure is back on again and Phil needs a cig. Given that he’ll never be able to look his mum in the eye again if he breaks his promise and tries to weasel a cigarette off someone in school, he decides to go for the next best thing.</p><p>Dan isn’t on the hill, which is odd. It is raining pretty hard; Phil regrets not bringing a coat with him. The book Dan was reading is still on the grass, slowly getting sodden. Phil picks it up and tucks it into his bag. He’s going to go to Dan’s house to return it, he decides.</p><p>It’s probably a stupid idea but he does it anyway.</p><p>When Dan answers the door, he looks tired. He doesn’t look ill but Dan can probably take any day off he likes; Butcher doesn’t really seem like he cares about that kind of stuff. Phil takes the book out of his bag and stretches him arm out towards Dan.</p><p>Dan fumbles to grab it then watches Phil for a few seconds before asking, “Are you coming inside or what?”</p><p>Phil tucks inside the front door before Dan can change his mind. He doesn’t have his phone with him – courtesy of his mother – to inform her where he is but, if he’s not too long, he can just say he was at a friend’s. Which he was. Technically.</p><p>“Do you want something to eat?”</p><p>Phil shakes his head but Dan disappears off into the kitchen and returns with two bags of crisps before leading off into the living room, where the TV is already on. Dan drops the book down on the coffee table with a loud, wet thud. It’s an advert break; Phil feels somewhat glad that he hasn’t interrupted Dan in the middle of watching something.</p><p>“What are you watching?” Phil asks.</p><p>“Just some shitty American show,” Dan replies coolly. “They always have fucking laugh tracks.”</p><p>Dan slumps down the far side of the sofa, resting his feet on the coffee table. Phil sits down next to him and accepts the bag of crisps Dan offers.</p><p>“Why don’t you watch something else then?”</p><p>“It’s this or Jeremy Kyle,” Dan grimaces.</p><p>Phil holds back a laugh. He knows that he’s not in a good position to make his mother suspicious by staying out too long but he finds himself suggesting, “Why don’t you put a film on?”</p><p>“Like what?”</p><p>“I don’t know,” he shrugs then says, grinning, “What about ‘Fight Club’?”</p><p>Dan rolls his eyes. “The day I watch the film is the day you finish reading the book.”</p><p>“Deal,” Phil says loudly, reaching over to shake Dan’s hand.</p><p>Dan stares down at their hands, looking slightly confused as to what he just got himself into. He moves his hand away from Phil’s then tells him, “The films are over there. You can have a look.”</p><p>Phil follows Dan’s gaze over to the cabinet of DVDs and CDs on the far wall then gets to his feet to have a closer look. Most of the films are the usual suspects – blockbuster action movies and tedious, heteronormative rom-coms – but there are a few titles he’s never heard of. Some of the titles don’t even seem to be in English.</p><p>“Picked something?” Dan calls from the sofa.</p><p>“Not yet. What do you want to watch?”</p><p>“I don’t care. Just pick something.”</p><p>Phil chooses ‘Zombieland’; he thinks it’s a pretty safe option. He’s watched it a few times before and it’s always been pretty funny, even if the story is a little bit predictable. It’s on the shelf in Dan’s house so Dan must have probably seen it before.</p><p>“Zombieland? Really?” Dan says when he walks over with it.</p><p>“What’s wrong with Zombieland?”</p><p>“I’ve seen it so many times.”</p><p>He quickly replies, “Then you must like it,” and waits as Dan begrudgingly gets to his feet.</p><p>Phil tries not to stare at Dan’s behind as he leans down to put the disc in the DVD player. He fails. Dan’s school trousers are just a little bit too tight for him around his hips and Phil swears that this moment is something out of a bad porno. Dan’s rump looks tight and round, straining slightly against the fabric of the trousers.</p><p>“Stop staring at my arse.” Dan’s voice breaks through his thoughts.</p><p>“What? I’m not–”</p><p>“I can see you in the TV reflection, you twat.” The screen is currently a solid, dark blue, the loading screen for the DVD player. Dan could probably see exactly what Phil was staring at.</p><p>“Oh…right.”</p><p>“Just wait a minute and you’ll be able to grope my arse as much as you want.”</p><p>Phil almost chokes on his own breath, trying to pass it off as just clearing his throat. Dan turns around to smirk at him and Phil feels overwhelmed. Dan being flirty is still strange to him, when Dan would have been happy to chase him away with a stick only a few weeks before.</p><p>Dan sits back down on the sofa right next to him and Phil automatically leans into his touch. Only four minutes in the film, Phil is kneeling on top of Dan again and they’re French-kissing, which actually isn’t something Phil has that much experience doing. He’s kissed plenty of people but this is wet, invasive and ridiculously sexy.</p><p>Some zombie is getting shot straight through the forehead on the screen but neither of them are watching. There’s the nagging voice in Phil’s head telling him that he should be getting home, lest his mum ground him completely. But he really doesn’t want to leave right now; this is the best thing to happen to him for what feels like years.</p><p>He breaks away, whispering, “I need to go.”</p><p>“Why?” Dan’s brow furrows.</p><p>“My mum has me on lock down right now,” Phil explains. “If I stay out too long.”</p><p>“Wait,” Dan frowns. “Your mum has grounded you for being gay?”</p><p>Phil almost chokes on his next breath. “No– No, no, no. She found out I smoke. She’s okay with the whole…gay thing.”</p><p>“So she probably thinks you’re out lighting up a cig right now?”</p><p>“Let’s hope she doesn’t,” Phil whispers against Dan’s lips before kissing them softly.</p><p>Dan groans. “Go, then. But give me your phone number.”</p><p>“I can’t,” Phil replies remorsefully. “She took it off me because I didn’t answer her calls that night.”</p><p>“Your mum sounds like strict.”</p><p>“She’s not that bad really. She used to read a load of those bullshit parenting books so she thinks the only way to get through to me is to reinforce good behaviour or something.”</p><p>Dan laughs, “That’s such bullshit.”</p><p>“I know,” Phil smiles.</p><p>There’s a long pause as they stare at each other’s, noses touching. The movie is still playing but the sound is muted by the deafening noise of Phil’s thoughts buzzing around his head; thoughts about how utterly gorgeous Dan looks when his eyes are lit up by the soft amber light of the lamp behind them.</p><p>“I guess I’ll see you when I see you then,” Dan says.</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>Dan kisses him, long and deep, and whispers, “You should only be sorry if you’ve done something wrong.”</p><p>But this isn’t wrong, Phil thinks. Even after leaving Dan’s house and smiling all the way on his walk over the hill, everything about Dan feels exciting, dangerous and right. Dan might be a little bit fucked up but who isn’t?</p><p>Phil is, that’s for sure.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>The Maths exam is remarkably unstressful. Phil lines up with Morgan and the others and waits with his clear pencil case ready – three pencils, one ruler, one black-inked pen, one protractor, one calculator and a brand new rubber. His mum had given him money for new stationary but he hadn’t needed any so he’d spent it at Butcher’s CD shop.</p><p>“How d’you think it went?” Morgan asks as they walk out of the exam hall, his strong Welsh accent much easier to comprehend after almost two months in this village.</p><p>“It was alright,” Phil replies. “Question 4 was a bitch.”</p><p>“Was it 0.78? That’s what I got, anyway,” Morgan chatters on.</p><p>Phil saw Dan further down the line before they went into the exam, silently standing between two girls Phil didn’t really know well. Going to stand with Dan would certainly raise a few eyebrows, especially from Morgan and his friends. Phil feels slightly wily; he and Dan share something between them that no-one else knows about.</p><p>“I got something like that,” Phil tells Morgan.</p><p>Morgan nods and continues, “So have you thought any more about Gay Rhys?”</p><p>“I’m not looking for a relationship right now,” Phil tells him. It sounds a bit stupid for a teenager to be saying; it’s a line that belongs in an adult romance film.</p><p>“Your loss, I suppose,” Morgan grins. “They’re showing a film at the community hall on Friday night. It’s only on a projector but it’s alright money.”</p><p>“Cool.”</p><p>“Do you want to come? Seren and Ffion are going to be there, but Seren’s promised us she’s over you now.”</p><p>Oh, the drama of high school politics, Phil thinks. Why a girl would ever have a crush on Phil is beyond him. He’s still pretty surprised that Dan’s interested, though there are certainly no complaints where Dan is involved.</p><p>“I might,” Phil says before using the ultimate cop-out of every teenager to have ever lived. “I’ll have to check with my mum first.”</p><p>“Alright then,” Morgan smiles widely. “Let me know, alright?”</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>“What are you doing?”</p><p>Dan’s arms are covered in splotches of bright, colourful paint and he’s brandishing a wooden palette, looking like a modern Monet. On his bedroom floor is a long scroll of paper with pencil lines sketching out an intricate patterns.</p><p>“I’m making ice-cream, Phil. What does it look like?” Dan shoots back sarcastically. “What are you doing here? I thought your mum grounded you.”</p><p>“She let me out to go to your brother’s shop,” Phil answers smoothly. “Or at least, that’s where she thinks I am right now.”</p><p>He drops to his knees and watches as Dan mixes together two different shades of tubed paint on the palette. From what he can see, the pattern is surrounded by other sketched-out images, some more gory than others.</p><p>“So I’m your dirty little secret?”</p><p>“Dirty, maybe,” Phil points out a splodge of blue paint on Dan’s cheek.</p><p>“Art is meant to be messy.”</p><p>“Just like life is supposed to be destructive?” Phil smirks.</p><p>“You’re finally getting it,” Dan grins back. “Maybe you’re not as much of an idiot as I previously thought.”</p><p>“I’m a straight-A student, thank you very much.”</p><p>“Grades are just numbers converted into letters in the vain belief that intelligence can be valued.”</p><p>Dan begins painting a swirling, purple line down the scroll of paper and Phil is mesmerised by how steady Dan’s hand is, his wrist turning as he flicks the line out into a snaking curve. There doesn’t look like there’s enough room on Dan’s walls to put this new addition, considering how covered they already are.</p><p>“Everyone knows the education system is fucked up,” Phil says. “But what’s the alternative?”</p><p>“Art,” Dan replies, stony-faced and unwavering.</p><p>Phil rolls his eyes and leans backwards, his back leaning against the end of Dan’s bed. The final remains of the sun light up the room, with some extra illumination from the lamps. Dan is in scruffy jeans and a t-shirt with a tear at the bottom and faded paint marks.</p><p>“We still need to watch Fight Club together,” Phil says. “If neither of us have seen it.”</p><p>Dan smirks and stops painting to look in Phil’s direction. “What? You want to make a date out of it?”</p><p>Phil examines Dan’s expression closely then answers, “Yeah, maybe I do.”</p><p>“Are you courting me?”</p><p>“Is that a bad thing?”</p><p>“I don’t even know your last name,” Dan says.</p><p>“It’s Lester. And yours?”</p><p>“Howell,” Dan replies. “So now we’re officially courting?”</p><p>Phil tells him, “I think the modern term is ‘dating’.”</p><p>“So that’s what the kids are calling it these days?” Dan drawls mordantly.</p><p>“Is that a yes?”</p><p>“I don’t really do the whole ‘boyfriends’ thing.”</p><p>“What do you do?”</p><p>“I make transgressive art and I give cute boys blowjobs on hillsides.”</p><p>Phil blinks at him hard, but Dan doesn’t really seem to be joking. He immediately feels stupid for letting himself believe that Dan ever wanted more than a physical relationship; it’s evident now that Dan doesn’t do romance.</p><p>“Good to know,” Phil replies, keeping his teeth gritted to stop his voice from shaking.</p><p>He gets to his feet quickly and leaves the room without another word. Dan doesn’t call after him. But then again, Dan doesn’t seem to care.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>“You cook these yourself, Mrs Lester? They smell great.”</p><p>This was the deal, Phil reminds himself. If he wants to go see a film at the community hall this Friday, he has to bring Morgan round for tea. He has no idea why he agreed to it, but at least Morgan is being polite. Phil’s mum was probably thinking that he was lying about actually having any friends.</p><p>“Yes,” she smiles, obviously charmed by the scrawny ginger boy’s compliment. “Homemade chicken pies, Phil’s favourite.”</p><p>Not actually. Phil just doesn’t want to hurt her feelings and tell her that he doesn’t really like them. The chicken is nice but he always feels like he’s going to suffocate on the pastry.</p><p>“Thanks for having me around, by the way.”</p><p>“My pleasure,” his mum smiles. “I was worried it would take Phil a while to settle in.”</p><p>“Oh no,” Morgan grins. “He fits right in. He practically had his own stalker on Day One.”</p><p>“A stalker?” Phil’s mum sounds somewhat concerned.</p><p>“I’m only joking,” Morgan is quick to respond. “A girl I know has a big crush on him, or had, I guess.”</p><p>His mum sends him a knowing look – one that says, ‘Now isn’t that funny, considering that you’re gay?’ – only seconds before Morgan gives him the exact same. They’re both in on the joke, with no idea that the other is.</p><p>“So what GCSEs are you studying, Morgan?”</p><p>“All the usual,” Morgan replies with a mouthful of pie. “But I do German instead of Media.”</p><p>“German? Isn’t that a little bit difficult?”</p><p>“No more difficult than Welsh, I tell you,” Morgan jokes. “I’m lucky my ma and dad speak it or I’d have no chance.”</p><p>“Do lots of people in your school speak Welsh?” She’s looking at Phil now.</p><p>“Most of them,” Phil answers briefly.</p><p>She raises an eyebrow. “Well I guess it’s good that they’re trying to preserve it.”</p><p>Phil really doesn’t want to eat the pie, but he also knows that he’ll have to make a lot of conversation in order to not look like he’s purposely ignoring it. Choosing the lesser of two evils, he takes the smallest possible mouthful of chicken and pastry and tries to swallow it without feeling or tasting it.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>The half-term holiday couldn’t come soon enough. Phil hasn’t seen Dan in over a week now; it’s the only way he can think to annoy the boy, seeing as he doesn’t really seem to care. Dan doesn’t even look his way when they’re in class together. Phil just sticks to hanging around Morgan to give the impression that he too doesn’t care.</p><p>On the first day of the half-term – a pleasantly dry Saturday – he goes up to the hill. He hasn’t smoked a cigarette since the day his mum caught him with them, though the cravings have driven him up the wall several times. He almost broke down and rushed to the off-license to buy some the week before, but somehow disappointing his mum again felt worse than the withdrawal.</p><p>The nights come quicker now; the sun sets just after Phil has left school. He’ll be lucky if it isn’t dark by the time he gets to Dan’s favourite hiding spot. As he stumbles up the hill, Dan comes into view. There’s flickering light near Dan’s feet, suggesting he’s burning more books.</p><p>“Hey.” It’s all Phil can think of to say, and it sounds even more lame when spoken.</p><p>“Fuck off.”</p><p>It seems like they’re back at Step 1 again.</p><p>“Are you angry at me?”</p><p>Dan pokes at the burning books – three of them, all slowly crumbling into ashes in the fire – with his feet.</p><p>“For what? For going back to all your fucking dipshit friends to laugh about me? Or for tricking me into fucking liking you?”</p><p>Phil’s throat closes up so tightly he can barely breathe.</p><p>“Fuck you,” Dan points a finger in his face indignantly. “You piece of shit.”</p><p>“I never said anything to my friends,” Phil says quietly. “They don’t even know I know you.”</p><p>Dan spits back, “Bullshit.”</p><p>“They don’t!” Phil protests, vaguely aware that he should be more annoyed by Dan’s anger, when he was the one to trivialise their relationship. “I promise. Why would I do that– Why would you think I’d do that?”</p><p>Dan glares at him, eyes as fiery as the setting sun behind them.</p><p>“Come here,” Phil beckons him.</p><p>“Fuck you.”</p><p>“Come here,” he repeats.</p><p>Dan reluctantly steps forward slightly, but that’s not enough. This is what you get, Phil thinks. He covers Dan’s lips with his own before the other boy can swear him away again. It only enrages Dan further; he bites at Phil’s lips until they’re swollen and Phil can taste the bitter tang of copper, but he just licks them clean again, pressing back into Dan.</p><p>“Fuck you,” Dan whispers, but it’s much less convincing when his voice is breathy and husky with lust.</p><p>“Still think I faked it?” Phil questions him, panting too hard to be smug.</p><p>“I might need more proof.”</p><p>It’s not the best blowjob Phil’s ever given, but it certainly placates any doubts Dan might have had. It’s dark when Phil crawls up to lie next to Dan, hearts beating like the clappers. The books have been reduced to embers on their bed of stones but there’s just enough light for them to see each other.</p><p>“You want more out of this, don’t you?”</p><p>Phil stays silent.</p><p>“I’ve never been anyone’s boyfriend,” Dan confesses.</p><p>Phil blinks at him, presses closer into his body, and promises, “I could make it worth your while.”</p><p>“You better.”</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Phil spends the following Tuesday at Dan’s house. Dan’s hair isn’t straightened, but curls closer to his crown and flatters his tanned face and sharp cheekbones. The sight of him makes Phil feel like shit, considering that he has at least three new spots on his face since the last time Dan saw him and his hair isn’t co-operating.</p><p>“You hungry?” Dan calls from the kitchen. “Aaron brought me a load of frozen veggie pizzas.”</p><p>“I could eat,” Phil replies, following the direction Dan’s voice. Dan has the freezer door wide open, letting a cold chill into the room.</p><p>“Hold them,” Dan holds out two boxes of frozen pizzas for Phil to grab.</p><p>After a long conversation about how exactly they cook the pizzas, they settle on waiting for the oven to heat up and Dan brings his iPod dock downstairs to play music on. The first track is something heavy that Phil hasn’t heard before.</p><p>“Who is it?”</p><p>“Minor Threat.”</p><p>“Who?”</p><p>Dan blinks at him, supposedly in disbelief. “The gods of punk.”</p><p>“Oh, cool.”</p><p>“Jesus, don’t you listen to any good music?” Dan asks him.</p><p>Phil objects, “I do listen to good music!”</p><p>“Name one song by The Smashing Pumpkins.”</p><p>So maybe Phil doesn’t have an answer for that one.</p><p>“Good music is subjective.”</p><p>Dan laughs. “I need to educate you.”</p><p>As they wait for the oven to the necessary temperature, Dan plays more punk music, before switching into a song Phil actually recognises.</p><p>“This is Radiohead,” he smiles. He could recognise that opening melody anywhere.</p><p>Dan sits on the kitchen table and pulls Phil closer with his legs, saying, “Maybe your music taste isn’t as bad as I thought.”</p><p>Phil shushes him by stealing a kiss. Dan sucks on Phil’s bottom lip then pulls away, saying, “We need to put the pizzas in.”</p><p>Dan places the two veggie pizzas in the oven and then walks back over to where Phil is stood, leaning against the kitchen table and scrolling through Dan’s iPod library on the dock. He’s trying to find something on there that he knows so that he can prove to Dan that he isn’t a complete idiot. Eventually he goes with a Twenty One Pilots track. He’s somewhat surprised that Dan even has them on his iPod.</p><p>“Guns For Hands?” Dan asks. “I forgot I even had that on there.”</p><p>Phil supresses a sigh and beckons Dan closer so that he can wrap his arms around him. Being affectionate with Dan is still a little strange but Phil’s decided that he’s not going to let himself care anymore.</p><p>“Why do you always straighten your hair?”</p><p>Dan raises an eyebrow and shoots back, “Why wouldn’t I?”</p><p>“Your hair is nice when it’s natural,” Phil reaches up to brush back one of Dan’s curls.</p><p>“I look like a hobbit.”</p><p>“A hot hobbit,” Phil persists.</p><p>“You think I’m hot?” Dan grins. “You better stop talking like that or we’re not going to make it to the pizzas.”</p><p>Phil has deciding that flirty Dan is definitely his favourite version of Dan.</p><p>“Is that a threat?” he plays along.</p><p>Dan smirks, “In your dreams.”</p><p>Then he perches on top of the kitchen table and changes the song to a heavy rock track. Phil can’t quite make out what the singer is saying but the beat is good. Dan’s taste is good, if a little too punk for Phil’s taste.</p><p>“Who’s this? They’re…interesting.”</p><p>“Midtown,” Dan answers then admits, “The lead singer was hot.”</p><p>“Is that the only reason you listened to them?”</p><p>“Maybe,” he gives me a smug smile. “But they’re good live.”</p><p>“And I’m sure you loved seeing them live,” Phil teases. “Or seeing him live. Is he hotter than me?”</p><p>“I’ll save you the hurt and ignore that question.”</p><p>Phil sends a mock glare in his direction and change the iPod to Message In A Bottle.</p><p>“My brother said you liked The Police,” Dan tells him.</p><p>“Well you have them on your iPod too,” Phil points out.</p><p>Dan hums in response.</p><p>“I knew you didn’t just listen to angry metal music.”</p><p>Dan rolls his eyes. “Not all angry music is metal and not all metal is angry.”</p><p>“You make a good argument, Mr. Transgressive Art.”</p><p>“Shut up.”</p><p>They eat the pizzas together at the kitchen table, Dan scoffing as Phil tries to romantically feed him a slice.</p><p>“Don’t romanticise me,” Dan warns him mockingly.</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“I’m not the romantic type,” Dan says. “I’m not into all that lovey-dovey shit. It’s not me.”</p><p>Phil hesitates before asking, “Well, are you into me?”</p><p>Dan eyes him oddly. “You know I am.”</p><p>“Then let me just feed you some fucking pizza. You don’t have to label it.”</p><p>Dan doesn’t say a word but opens his mouth to take a bite of the pizza slice Phil’s holding. Phil smiles victoriously.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>The day passes quickly and soon it’s almost night and Phil should be thinking about going home soon, before his mum gets too suspicious. Eventually she’s going to start wondering why Phil is always supposedly at Morgan’s, or even worse, think that Morgan is Phil’s boyfriend.</p><p>“Do you need to go?” Dan asks as they’re lay down together on the sofa watching Breaking Bad.</p><p>“Err…why?”</p><p>Dan bluntly responds, “You keep looking at the door.”</p><p>Phil leans towards Dan to kiss him softly, whispering, “I don’t want to go.”</p><p>“Then don’t.”</p><p>Dan makes it sound so easy.</p><p>“My mum’s still paranoid that I’m smoking again. She’s making me sign up to a government program so that I’ll never pick up another cig again.”</p><p>“That’s a bit drastic,” Dan comments.</p><p>“She just worries too much.”</p><p>“She can have you back later,” Dan whispers. “But for now…you’re mine.”</p><p>Dan kisses him fiercely, climbing on top of Phil and straddling his body. Phil can feel the beginning of an erection in his pants as Dan grinds his crotch against him. Dan is fucking hot like this; his wet lips are open to allow Phil’s tongue inside – which Phil happily does – and his cock is forming a tent in his tight jeans.</p><p>“I need to get you out of those jeans,” Phil breaks away to whisper.</p><p>He doesn’t know why they’re whispering when Dan lives alone, but somehow it makes Phil feel even hornier. There’s a certain appeal in having to keep quiet when he desperately wants to make Dan moan as loudly as possible.</p><p>Phil unbuttons Dan’s jeans and practically drags them off, with Dan’s assistance.</p><p>“How about we go upstairs?” Dan suggests, eyes dark and lustful.</p><p>They can’t climb the stairs fast enough. Clothes are strewn up the steps, the result of Dan tugging off Phil’s clothes and Phil almost ripping off Dan’s. Phil is only wearing his boxers when they reach Dan’s room but Dan makes quick work of removing them, as well as his own. They make it to the bed, Phil on top of Dan.</p><p>One blowjob later – Phil prides himself in being much better this time – and Dan is happily sated while Phil is still hard as fuck. Dan’s tugging at his cock slowly to tease him and Phil almost wants to yell at Dan to just do something before Phil officially goes insane. Dan seems to be reading Phil’s mind as he quickly swaps positions and does the honours.</p><p> Phil had almost forgotten how good Dan is at this; Dan hollows out his cheeks to swallow Phil down in one swift motion then bobs back up to mouth at the head of Phil’s cock, drawing out moans from Phil. It’s as if every movement Dan makes is considered to make the most perfect blow job Phil’s ever received. Nothing can compare.</p><p>When Phil comes, Dan swallows again, humming around Phil’s dick. Phil feels boneless, chest heaving as he pants. Dan leaves lazy kisses along his sensitive cock and his flesh is too tender to stand it. He pulls Dan up to kiss him, tasting himself on Dan’s lips. It’s not the worst taste in the world combined with Dan’s come.</p><p>“That was hot,” Dan grins, collapsing back onto the bed beside him.</p><p>“You’re hot.”</p><p>Dan rolls his eyes. “Shut up.”</p><p>Phil doesn’t remember falling asleep, but he does remember waking up at some point later on and feeling Dan’s warm body next to his, beautifully naked. It’s only the morning after when he wakes up and realises that he’s spent all night at Dan’s house and his mother probably already has the police searching for him.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>“I just don’t understand you.”</p><p>Phil’s mother is definitely not pleased.</p><p>“I thought we were working through this!” she exclaims exasperatedly. “And then you go and disappear for the whole night – again! And worst of all–”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Phil interjects. “It was an accident.”</p><p>“An accident? Phil, tell me the truth,” she pauses then asks, “Have you gotten yourself into drugs?”</p><p>“Drugs?”</p><p>“Marijuana,” she says, and Phil is pretty sure that his mother is the only person he knows who doesn’t just call it ‘weed’.</p><p>“No, I’m not on drugs,” Phil replies, offended by her accusation. “I was at a friend’s and we fell asleep.”</p><p>“Have you been smoking?” his mother asks. “Let me smell your breath.”</p><p>Phil lets her do so, knowing that he hasn’t touched a cigarette despite the urge. She looks slightly less displeased but her eyes are still suspicious.</p><p>“Who is this friend? I want to meet him.”</p><p>“Mum,” Phil pleads. “I just fell asleep. I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.”</p><p>“How about you invite this friend over and then I’ll decide how many months you’ll wait until I give you your phone back?” She sounds scarily serious. “I was actually ready to give it back to you yesterday, but since this has happened…”</p><p>Phil is done; he is completely and utterly done with dealing with this now. So he decides to tell his mother the one piece of information he’ll probably regret later.</p><p>“Mum, he’s not a friend. He’s a boyfriend.”</p><p>“A boyfriend?” his mother repeats, slightly taken aback. “Why didn’t you tell me about him?”</p><p>“We haven’t been together long,” Phil replies. “I didn’t want to rush things and tell you about him if it wasn’t going to last long.”</p><p>“You should always tell me this stuff, Phil.”</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>She sighs, sounding exhausted. Phil can imagine her staying up all night, waiting for him to come home, wondering what’s happened. She might have been able to forgive him for the last time he did this but now he’s definitely fucked. Worst of all, he might never get his phone back.</p><p>“Invite him over,” she tells him. “I want to meet him. And if you do, you can have your phone back.”</p><p>They make a deal, and Phil’s mum leaves for work. It’s only eight in the morning but Phil had rushed over from Dan’s as quick as he could after being woken by Dan’s alarm – Dan had forgotten to switch it off – at seven. Phil had taken the quickest shower of his life and practically ran from Dan’s house before they descended into another make-out session. Phil couldn’t help it; Dan could be very seductive when he wanted to be.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Dan’s by the cliffs that afternoon, holding a book in one hand and a veggie wrap in the other. Phil sits down across from him and reads the front of the book; Nineteen Eighty-Four. Phil’s heard of it before but never read it. It’s supposedly a masterpiece, according to the reviews floating around the cover art. Dan puts the book down and gives Phil his full attention.</p><p>“How did it go with your mum?”</p><p>“She made a deal with me,” Phil replies.</p><p>Dan takes a bite of his veggie wrap and, whilst still chewing a mouthful, asks, “What kind of deal?”</p><p>“I can get my phone back if I bring you over for tea,” Phil explains.</p><p>“Why me?” Dan looks confused but then Phil watches as it dawns on him. “You told her, didn’t you?”</p><p>“Should I have not?”</p><p>Dan chews his food aggressively. “I’m not good with parents. Just tell her I’m ill or something.”</p><p>“Can’t you just deal with one dinner?”</p><p>“Oh yes,” Dan says mockingly. “Why I tell her all about how we met? And about all the times I told you to fuck off? And let’s not forget to talk about my transgressive art!”</p><p>Phil frowns and warns, “Don’t be a twat.”</p><p>Dan stays silent so Phil adds, “It’s just my mum. After that I can get my phone back and you’ll never have to see her again. And I’ll be able to text you instead of just showing up here.”</p><p>“Maybe I like doing it the old-fashioned way,” Dan scowls. “Texting kills romance.”</p><p>Phil can’t miss the opportunity to smirk. “So we’re a romance now? Not just blowjobs on hillside?”</p><p>“I thought we settled that last time,” Dan says before repeating Phil’s words back to him with a raised eyebrow. “Don’t be a twat.”</p><p>“Just one dinner. Then I can text you whenever I like.”</p><p>“How do you know I even have a phone?”</p><p>Phil rolls his eyes. “Who doesn’t have a phone?”</p><p>“Hipsters,” Dan replies. “True hipsters only send messages via owls.”</p><p>Phil blinks, slightly surprised by Dan’s humour. Sometimes the other boy has the ability to completely catch him out with a joke; this is one of those times.</p><p>“You’re a twat.”</p><p>Dan smoothly returns, “Takes one to know one.”</p><p>“Just come for one dinner,” Phil pleads. “You can leave halfway through and say you’ve had an emergency text from your brother or something.”</p><p>“Because that wouldn’t be obvious.”</p><p>“Please.”</p><p>Dan watches Phil carefully then gives a sigh of defeat, munching on his wrap again.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Phil is woken at eight on Thursday – while his mum is at work – by someone ringing the doorbell. Assuming it was the postman, he’d ignored. It’s only after ten minutes of insistent ringing that he eventually drags himself out of bed, pulling on yesterday’s t-shirt.</p><p>Opening the door, he immediately wants to close it again.</p><p>“What the fuck are you doing here?”</p><p>Morgan is dressed in a black hoody that’s too large on his small frame and makes his ginger hair stand out even more. He blinks at Phil’s profanity but he’s otherwise cheerful and smiling. He’s probably letting Phil off since it’s eight in the morning and Phil is only wearing a t-shirt and boxers.</p><p>“Are you free tonight?”</p><p>“Tonight?”</p><p>“Yes,” Morgan nods, light-heartedly rolling his eyes.</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Halloween!”</p><p>Phil needs a cigarette. Halloween is not his favourite holiday. Usually it means getting pissed and throwing for the whole 1st of November. He didn’t even do anything last year because he was sick of it. He can imagine it’s probably different in Rhagfyr; there are probably traditions here.</p><p>“How do you even know where I live?”</p><p>“Everybody knows where everyone lives here,” Morgan answers brightly.</p><p>“Please leave me alone,” Phil says, rubbing his eyes wearily. “Come back in two hours.”</p><p>“There’s always a party down at the docks,” Morgan continues. “My ma helps out. No booze or anything but there’s plenty of sweets and stuff. You’ll need to dress up though.”</p><p>“Right.”</p><p>“Are you coming then?”</p><p>“Probably not, no.”</p><p>“Phil,” Morgan whines. “Come on, it’d be fun! Seren will be there but she’s well over you now.”</p><p>“I’ll ask my mum,” Phil says. He probably shouldn’t be rude to Morgan, seeing as he’s Phil’s only.</p><p>“Yes!” Morgan punches his first in the air over-dramatically then swiftly leaves, to Phil’s relief.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>The heavens are pouring down when Phil heads over to Dan’s special place later that morning. He pulls his hood over his head but the sea breeze means that the rain is blown straight into his face. The weather in Wales isn’t too different from the weather in Manchester but Phil is still sick of the rain. When he’s older, he wants to move to the US. He could happily live in California, under the hot sun and cool sea breeze of the coast.</p><p>As he trudges up the hill at the end of the harbour pathway, mud coats his Converse. When he reaches the top, with some help from the neighbouring trees – Phil grabbed onto them to hoist himself up – Dan isn’t in his usual spot by the cliffs. Phil realises that Dan wouldn’t be out in this kind of weather, and that he is an idiot.</p><p>He follows the hill over into the road where Dan’s house is. The rain begins to go light and misty as Phil jogs over to Dan’s house and knocks on the door loudly. He hopes to every deity that Dan is inside, considering Phil just got soaked and possibly ruined his shoes to come see him.</p><p>Luckily Dan opens the door and gives him an amused look once he sees how truly wet Phil is, clothes sticking to him. Dan himself is wearing a pair of trackie bottoms and an old Muse t-shirt. Phil commends him on his taste.</p><p>“Should have brought an umbrella,” Dan says.</p><p>“Yes, thank you,” Phil bites back.</p><p>The other boy laughs and lets him inside, warning, “Take off your shoes first.”</p><p>“Do you want to borrow some dry clothes?” Dan calls from the living room as Phil fiddles with his sodden Converse.</p><p>Phil considers it for a few seconds. Some dry clothes would be great right now, but would him stripping down lead to some kind of sexual act with Dan? Probably. Not that Phil’s complaining – Dan is fantastic when it comes to all things cock-related – but he doesn’t really want to go home smelling like sex again.</p><p>“Yeah, please,” Phil replies, trying not to imagine Dan giving him another blowjob. Jesus, he’s turning into an addict.</p><p>Phil gets his shoes off and leaves them outside, deciding that the rain can’t really do them any more harm than the mud did. He pulls his hoody off but he can already feel that the t-shirt underneath. Phil can only imagine what a mess his hair must look right now.</p><p>Dan walks over to him and gently runs his fingers through Phil’s hair. Then, like a 1920s femme fatale – all seductive smiles and careful words – Dan says, “Let’s get you out of those clothes.”</p><p>Phil is actually surprised that they make it as far as Dan’s bedroom. Dan opens his wardrobe and rifles through for something Phil can wear. Phil looks around Dan’s room and notices how new additions have been made to Dan’s walls.</p><p>“You do realise that you actually need to get out of those clothes first?” Dan calls, head still inside the wardrobe.</p><p>Phil rolls his eyes and pulls off his socks before he even attempts pulling off his sodden jeans. He asks Dan, “Are you going to the party on the docks tonight?”</p><p>Phil hears Dan scoff. “The Halloween party? Do I look like I’m 12?”</p><p>There’s a silence as Phil can’t think of anything to say. Then Dan admits, “It’s not really my thing.”</p><p>“It could be fun,” Phil replies, unzipping his jeans. Really, he’d just like to see what it is that makes Dan hate other people so much.</p><p>“With all those people I don’t like? Who don’t like me?” Dan sounds mildly upset. “And what about you? Aren’t you embarrassed to be seen with me?”</p><p>“Why would I be?”</p><p>Dan answers coldly, “I’m the black sheep of the village.”</p><p>Phil is still trying to pull his jeans past his hips when Dan moves out of the wardrobe with a pair of black jeans, a faded The Goonies t-shirt and a plain, navy hoody. He puts them down on the bed then moves over to Phil.</p><p>“You push your jeans down, I’ll pull them,” Dan suggests, getting down on his knees and wow, is Phil’s head getting ideas now.</p><p>After some intense fiddling, they manage to get Phil’s soaked jeans off him and, thanks to Phil’s libido, he is in the beginning stages of getting an erection. He just hopes Dan hasn’t noticed yet. Dan, still on his knees, looks back up at him and smirks.</p><p>“Excited, are we?” he asks smugly, then moves his lips forward to mouth at Phil’s cock through the thin – and slightly damp – fabric of his boxers.</p><p>Phil bites back a groan but nods.</p><p>Then Dan’s mouth is gone again. Dan gets to his feet and kisses Phil passionately. Phil’s cock is horribly confused.</p><p>“We’ll do that later,” Dan assures him. “After I’ve been to whatever lame party you’re dragging me too.”</p><p>Phil raises an eyebrow but nods, despite the ache of his neglected cock. Willing his erection to go down, Phil supposes that it’ll be worth it in the end. The fact that Dan is coming with him to the party is enough.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>“Do we need a costume for this?” Phil asks Dan.</p><p>Phil’s starting to regret agreeing to go to the party. Asking Dan had been a bad decision; now he had to go. If he doesn’t go, Morgan probably won’t be pissed off. The guy looks like he doesn’t have the mental capacity to be pissed off.</p><p>“Probably,” Dan answers as Phil finishes pulling on the dry clothes – including boxers. Wearing someone else’s boxers is a bit weird, Phil thinks.</p><p>Dan adds, “But I’m not going to.”</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“I’m already scary enough without a costume.”</p><p>“Why do you always say that?” Phil asks. “You always make yourself sound like a danger to society.”</p><p>Dan smirks but stays silent.</p><p>“What happens at the party?”</p><p>“Not much,” Dan replies. “It’s not even traditional. Everyone just stands around listening to shit music. No alcohol either. It’s not what I’d call a party.”</p><p>“Because you’re a real party animal,” Phil scoffs.</p><p>“I had friends before you,” Dan says, rolling his eyes.</p><p>“When?”</p><p>Dan doesn’t answer.</p><p>Phil asks, “Where did you live before here? Down south, I’m guessing.”</p><p>“Reading,” Dan answers abruptly.</p><p>“Did you have friends there?”</p><p>“Some,” Dan nods. “Believe it or not, I used to have friends here.”</p><p>“What happened?”</p><p>Dan lifts his gaze to meet Phil’s eyes and solemnly replies, “I happened.”</p><p>“Tell me the truth.”</p><p>Dan’s lips curl down into a frown, his eyes hardening. “I don’t owe you anything.”</p><p>“I won’t say anything about it again,” Phil swears.</p><p>“I don’t want to talk about it.”</p><p>Phil takes a breath. He asks, “Dan…where are your parents?”</p><p>“You better shut up now before I tell you to fuck off.”</p><p>Phil’s pushed too far. He already knew that, but the flare Dan gives him is just as fierce as the day Phil first met him. There’s a beauty in fierceness but still, Dan’s frown is ugly; it makes him look far older than he actually is. It makes him look bitter and waning.</p><p>Phil sits down on the bed next to him. “So, no dressing up then?”</p><p>“Not if you don’t want to look like a fucking idiot.”</p><p>Dan’s features are less creased now and his youth is more visible. Phil prefers him like this.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>“Are they going to ask how we know each other?” Phil asks on the walk over the hill to the harbour, the thought having only just occurred to him.</p><p>The rain has stopped now but the air is cold enough for them to need hoodies. The sun is setting, sinking into the vast horizon of deep blue sea.</p><p>“They might.”</p><p>“What should we say?”</p><p>Dan shrugs. “Just say whatever you want.”</p><p>“Should I say that you’re my, um, boyfriend?”</p><p>Dan frowns. Phil notices.</p><p>“Do you not want me to tell anyone that?”</p><p>Dan quickly answers, “You’re the one they’ll judge.”</p><p>“I don’t care,” Phil replies honestly. “I don’t give a fuck what they think.”</p><p>Phil swears he sees Dan smile, if only for split second. Then Dan turns to him and presses their lips together and Phil’s walking pace immediately stops. Dan kisses like he’s desperate. When they break away, Phil feels like he’s broken some sort of barrier between him and Dan; maybe he’s finally managed to convince Dan that he doesn’t care what the rest of the village think.</p><p>It’s dark when they get down to the harbour but jack-o’-lanterns line the docks. One of the boat houses has been decorated with fairy lights on the inside to give enough light for people to grab food and drink. A pop track is playing on a stereo somewhere and Phil holds back a grimace.</p><p>“It’s fucking tasteless,” Dan swears, still walking close to Phil as they approach the party.</p><p>There aren’t many people here, most of them teenagers, children and parents. There’s not an elderly person in sight, and probably for good reason. Dan was right when he said it wasn’t traditional. It’s basically an excuse for youngsters to eat a ton of sweets and crappy food. Phil spots Seren in the group of teenagers dancing near the stereo and then Morgan pops into view.</p><p>“Phil!” he says excitedly. “You came.”</p><p>Phil nods and then Morgan looks to where Dan is stood, a little bit further away than before.</p><p>“By the way, this is Daniel. He’s Butcher’s brother,” Morgan says, trying to introduce them.</p><p>“He knows,” Dan interjects with a sly smile.</p><p>Morgan raises an eyebrow and asks, “You’ve met before?”</p><p>“We’re in the same class,” Dan scoffs.</p><p>“Oh, right,” Morgan nods, sounding slightly nervous.</p><p>Phil smiles to try and break the tension. “It’s a small village, right?”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>When Phil presses Dan against the wall, Dan straddles his waist. Phil struggles slightly to hold up Dan’s weight at first but Dan shifts his body upwards to get a better grip of Phil. Their lips clash together messily but Phil enjoys the sweet taste of toffee on Dan’s lips.</p><p>They’d left the party after less than an hour, deciding that they could do much more interesting things back at Dan’s house. Phil thought he might throw himself straight into the Irish Sea if he had to listen to one more Katy Perry song. So they’d made their way back to Dan’s house.</p><p>“You’re stronger than I thought,” Dan smirks, pulling back from the kiss.</p><p>With relationships, Phil has never really learnt what a steady progression is. In the past, he’s been with people where he’s waited months to even see them semi-nude. With Dan, they went from 0 to 100 in less than a fortnight, with Dan giving him a blowjob on a hillside with little introduction. But they haven’t had sex yet. Perhaps that’s what Dan has in mind for tonight, Phil thinks. They’re already in Dan’s bedroom; it’s a close enough step.</p><p>“What the fuck are you thinking about?” Dan suddenly questions him.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You have me pressed against a wall but you’re staring off into space. Am I too boring for you?”</p><p>Phil kisses Dan deeply, pulling on Dan’s lower lip with his teeth.</p><p>When he pulls back, Dan is watching him with lustful eyes.</p><p>“You’re the exact opposite of boring,” Phil whispers, like it’s a secret.</p><p>“Good to hear.”</p><p>Dan lowers his legs and steps back onto the floor again, arms wrapped around Phil’s neck.</p><p>“I want you to do something for me,” Dan says, motioning towards the stairs.</p><p>“What is it?”</p><p>Dan’s dark eyes narrow. “Guess.”</p><p>“You want me to blow you?” Phil asks.</p><p>Dan shakes his head.</p><p>“You want me to fuck you?” He draws out the word ‘fuck’ as much as he can; somebody told him it was sexy once.</p><p>Dan shakes his head again.</p><p>“What is it then?”</p><p>Dan smirks. “You aren’t too good at guessing, are you?”</p><p>“Just tell me what it is,” Phil sighs. “Whatever it is, I’ll do it.”</p><p>Dan raises an eyebrow as if to say ‘Will you now?’ and perhaps Phil might regret saying that later on.</p><p>Then Dan whispers, “I want you to finger me.”</p><p>That’s a request Phil’s never had before without it being part of the lead-up to sex. He’s only ever prepped people before, never tried to get them off solely with his fingers. Dan’s eyes are almost black with lust, waiting for Phil’s response.</p><p>“Then you better take your pants off.”</p><p>Dan complies, ripping off his jeans as well as his t-shirt and most of his other clothing. Phil follows suit and strips down to his boxers. Dan lies down on the bed, making sure he has firm hold on Phil’s attention. Phil climbs down onto the bed and kisses Dan slowly and deliberately, wanting to make him hard. His own dick is beginning to stir at the sight of Dan’s smooth, tanned flesh.</p><p>When he peels off Dan’s boxers, Phil gets a surprise. Dan is completely hairless from the waist down, which he wasn’t the last time Phil saw him this naked.</p><p>“Like it?” Dan says amusedly. “I thought that, if we were going to be spending a lot of time naked, I’d take care of myself first.”</p><p>Phil feels like the Yeti in comparison now – though, for the record, he’s never been all that hairy. Dan’s hard cock lies against his stomach and Phil feels incredibly horny now. Dan has tan lines ringing the top of his thighs and his lower abdomen.</p><p>“Have you been wearing speedos on the sunbed?” Phil asks.</p><p>“I’ll have you know that my tan is completely natural. I’ve never been near a sunbed. This is all sun.”</p><p>“Sun? In Rhagfyr?”</p><p>Dan rolls his eyes. “I was in Italy for a month last summer, you twat.”</p><p>“A month?”</p><p>Dan’s eyes narrow. “How about we get back to the task in hand? Get naked.”</p><p>“Yes mein Fuhrer,” Phil bites back.</p><p>“German isn’t a sexy language. Now take off your fucking boxers.”</p><p>“If you’re the one getting off, why do I need to be naked?”</p><p>“So that if you’re really bad at this, at least I can look at your body and get hard,” Dan smirks.</p><p>Phil pulls off his boxers and throws them onto the floor behind him. Dan opens his thighs to give Phil room to kneel, revealing the pale pucker of his entrance. Phil just wants to fuck him now, but he knows what Dan’s asked him to do. He can wait until later to fuck Dan, as long as Dan was into it too.</p><p>“Have you got lube?” Phil asks.</p><p>Dan gives him a look that makes him feel like the biggest moron to have ever existed. “No Phil, I was just expecting you to spit on your fingers,” Dan answers sarcastically. He leans over to his bedside cabinet and fishes around in the top drawer before pulling out a bottle of lube.</p><p>“Cherry,” Phil notes, then leans down to press kisses on Dan’s chest.</p><p>Dan hums appreciatively when Phil strokes the inside of his thigh slowly, delighting in the smooth feel of Dan’s shaven skin. He mouths one of Dan’s nipples, causing Dan to press his head back into the bed and moan. Phil tongues the sensitive area, enjoying how he can make Dan whimper.</p><p>Eventually Dan spits, “Oh my God, just fucking get on with it.”</p><p>“Touchy,” Phil smirks, but he does open the bottle and lube up two fingers.</p><p>Reaching down between Dan’s legs makes Phil’s mind buzz with excitement. Dan’s beautiful body is on show just for him and Phil really doesn’t want to screw this one up. Dan looks tight and, as Phil presses a finger against his hole, he realises just how tight Dan is. The resistance of Dan’s muscles is almost impressive and Phil wonders how the hell this is going to work. Then his brain rattles.</p><p>“Dan…are you a virgin? You’d tell me if you were, right?”</p><p>Dan stares at him for five long seconds before replying, “What the fuck? No.”</p><p>“I just–”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“You’re really tight,” Phil says quietly.</p><p>Dan sighs exasperatedly. “It’s just been a while since I’ve actually gone all the way.”</p><p>“But you have, right?”</p><p>“Yes!” Dan groans. “I promise you, I lost my virginity to Peter Reynolds just before Year 10.”</p><p>Phil grimaces. “I really didn’t need to know that.”</p><p>“Why?” Dan grins. “Are you jealous?”</p><p>Phil scoffs, trying to sound nonchalant as he says, “You’re not exactly my first.”</p><p>“Bit of a slut, are we?”</p><p>“Says you,” Phil bites back.</p><p>“You’re the one who wanted to check I wasn’t a virgin. Do you want to check my hymen too?” Dan teases.</p><p>Phil leans down and bites one of Dan’s nipples, his teeth only just grazing the skin. Dan keens and his hips roll upwards, pushing his cock into Phil’s. Despite the unpleasant image of Dan having sex with someone else floating around his mind, most of the blood in Phil’s body has gone straight to his cock, which is begging for some kind of stimulation. He releases Dan’s nipple and looks up at the other boy’s face.</p><p>“Please,” Dan gasps, sounding borderline helpless. “I want your fingers.”</p><p>Phil tries pressing a finger against Dan’s entrance again and this time the muscles are much looser, allowing him to slowly press inside. With the lube easing the way, Dan feels hot and wet on the inside. He pushes inside until he reaches the end of his finger then pulls it half of the way back again. Dan moans when he thrusts his finger deeper. Phil searches for Dan’s prostate, wanting to make him lose control.</p><p>“Holy fuck,” Dan chokes out when Phil finds it. Dan had jerked like a bolt of electricity had passed through him.</p><p>“That good?”</p><p>Dan nods eagerly and says, “Two fingers.”</p><p>Phil carefully pushes a second finger against Dan’s hole and the resistance is there again. He needs to get Dan’s muscles to relax enough to stretch him further. An idea hits him. Phil bends down and takes the tip of Dan’s cock into his mouth. Dan groans and bucks up but Phil manages to slide another finger past Dan’s tight ring of muscle.</p><p>Phil quickly finds Dan’s prostate again and pushes against it, making Dan squirm.  He licks the head of Dan’s cock, tasting precum. Phil curls his fingers to apply more pressure to the sweet spot that has Dan whimpering and Dan is almost shaking. Phil’s cock aches as he watches Dan throw his head back in pleasure. Getting someone off hasn’t ever felt this good before.</p><p>“Fuck,” Dan swears when Phil tongues his slit. He swears even louder when Phil presses against his prostate again. “Don’t stop.”</p><p>“I didn’t plan to,” Phil quips, but his smugness is much less convincing when his voice is shaking. He really needs to touch his cock before it falls off from neglect.</p><p>Dan reads his mind and motions for Phil to move back up again. The head of Dan’s erection slips from between Phil’s lips as he kneels up then braces himself over Dan’s body, his fingers still curling inside. Dan reaches for Phil cock and starts stroking it forcefully. Phil can’t help but snap his hips forward with each jerk on his dick.</p><p>“So fucking big,” Dan murmurs, as though speaking to Phil’s cock. Phil pulls his fingers out and then thrusts back inside again, making Dan groan.</p><p>Dan tells him, “Three fingers.”</p><p>After adding a dribble more of lube, Phil presses a third finger against Dan’s entrance and the muscles give way again. Dan’s body is glossy with a sheen of sweat, his fringe sticking to his damp forehead. Phil can imagine he himself must look something similar. His fingers are burning hot inside Dan’s tightness and every stroke of Dan’s hand on his cock is making his brain short-circuit. Phil thrusts three fingers inside Dan repeatedly, increasing the pressure on Dan’s sweet spot.</p><p>Moans loud and toes curled, Dan comes.</p><p>Phil’s erection slips out of Dan’s grip as he convulses, fisting the sheets. Dan had come simply from Phil’s fingers – something Phil won’t be forgetting anytime soon. Shuddering, he reaches out for Phil’s body and pulls him close as his orgasm peaks. Phil does his best to hold onto Dan tightly, his wet fingers carefully slipping out of Dan’s hole. Dan whimpers when they pass the sensitive ring of muscle. Sticky white come is painted over Dan’s chest.</p><p>“Are you okay?” Phil whispers.</p><p>Dan is still panting but he nods fiercely. “Fucking fantastic. I just came so hard.”</p><p>Phil smiles and looks down to his own cock, which is still as hard as ever. When the last aftershock of his orgasm dissipates, Dan pushes Phil down onto the bed and deep-throats him, moaning around his cock. Phil is panting and grunting when he finally comes, shooting down Dan’s throat.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Phil makes it back to his house at half ten on Halloween night, telling his mum that he was at the party on the docks. He’d washed away most of the evidence of what he and Dan had been doing but he wants a full shower. If his mum gets curious about the party, Morgan can vouch for him; he probably didn’t Phil and Dan leave early. Phil expects that there’ll probably be talk about them when they get back to school.</p><p>“You know I haven’t forgotten about this boyfriend of yours,” his mum says as he’s ready to climb the stairs and take a shower. “You know the deal. You invite him over for tea and then you’ll get your phone back.”</p><p>“I’ll find out when he’s not busy,” Phil replies quickly.</p><p>“Is it this Dan that you’d told me about?” she asks. “The one you told me wasn’t your boyfriend?”</p><p>“Maybe.” Phil attempts a smile. He’s really not in the mood for this conversation now.</p><p>He manages to dull the conversation down enough so that he can race upstairs and get in the shower. Despite having come less than an hour ago, he gets an erection in the shower and has to awkwardly take care of it, careful not to make any noise. He thinks about Dan when he comes, remembering how desperate Dan had looked.</p><p>Phil pulls on clean boxers and an old t-shirt and climbs into bed. He’s asleep only a minute after his head hits the pillow and when he wakes the next morning, he’s briefly aware of something irritating his cheek. He reaches to touch and his fingers collide with a scrap of paper.</p><p>There’s enough light creeping through his blinds to allow him to read it. It’s from his mum; something about putting the dishwasher on and the support meeting he has to go to later. His mum is driving him out to Cardigan for a teen smokers’ support group. He agreed to go in order to convince her he wasn’t a failure of a son and now he’s starting to regret it.</p><p>He hasn’t smoked in a couple of weeks now. He thinks. It’s all become a bit of a blur for Phil. He craves nicotine less than he expected; maybe he was never much good as an addict anyway. Phil is too impartial to chemical needs – or at least he hopes he is. He craves Dan more than he’s ever craved a cigarette.</p><p>Speaking of Dan, would going round to the other boy’s house the day after seem a bit clingy? Phil’s spent a lot of time with him lately and it’s obvious that Dan isn’t too crazy about commitment – he gives cute boys blowjobs on hillsides. Maybe Phil should just leave it.</p><p>So he does.</p><p>Despite it being a Friday and the half-term, he gets on with some homework that he needs to do. His teachers haven’t made much attempt to teach him Welsh yet, telling him he still needs time to settle in, but Phil wants to learn it. It feels a little rude to be living in a country with its own language and not even bothering learning how to say ‘Good morning’.</p><p>Phil’s mum is at work so he takes the laptop out of her room; if he deletes all of his history, she’ll never know he borrowed it without her permission. Usually she doesn’t mind him using it to update his iTunes. Back in Manchester, Phil had his own computer. It was almost ten years old and sometimes Phil would have to kick it in order to get it to work. They’d left it when they moved – if wasn’t worth it to bring the piece of crap with them – and Phil hasn’t got around to asking his mum for a new one.</p><p>Maybe after meeting Dan and getting his phone back, he could talk to her about it. Providing that she’s actually happy about Dan. Dan can be charming when he wasn’t to be, Phil thinks. But then he can be a fucking pain in the arse the rest of the time.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Phil goes to find Dan on Saturday. Dan isn’t at his usual spot, and when Phil knocks on the door of his house, there’s no answer. It’s a little strange, but maybe Dan’s shopping in the village; surely Butcher doesn’t always do Dan’s weekly shopping.</p><p>Hit by an idea, Phil walks back over the hill again and strolls through the harbour. It isn’t rainy but the sky is white and bleak. The scent of the sea breeze is something Phil’s grown used to now and, faintly, he can smell the strong odour of fresh fish. One of the boats must have been out to sea that day.</p><p>Phil wanders through the village until he reaches Butcher’s CD shop. Butcher was probably the most likely person to know where Dan might be, and he’d probably ask the least questions about it; Butcher’s seen him at Dan’s house before. But when he walks into Butcher’s shop, it isn’t Dan’s brother who’s behind the counter.</p><p>“Prynhawn da,” the man greets him.</p><p>Phil has no idea what he just said but he’s guessing it’s Welsh. The man looks around the same age as Butcher, mid-twenties, and is boxing up a stack of Bon Jovi CDs, presumably for storage.</p><p>“Sorry?” Phil says awkwardly.</p><p>“Good morning,” the man smiles. “I’m guessing you’re one of the new English family?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Dan nods. “Where’s Butcher?”</p><p>“He’s on a trip, back in England. I’m Matthew, but you can call me Math.”</p><p>“I’m Phil.”</p><p>Math replies with something in Welsh, not seeming to notice that he’s doing it.</p><p>“Do you know if Dan went with him?”</p><p>“Dan?” Math looks slightly confused, then his brow loosens again. “Oh, you’re friends with Daniel?”</p><p>Phil nods.</p><p>“Yeah, well, he went with Butcher. Not sure how long they’ll be gone but Butcher said at least a week. Dan might be back sooner if you have school on Monday.”</p><p>The conversation dissolves into silence soon after that and Phil leaves the shop after buying a Classic Rock Anthems CD; he felt too awkward leaving empty handed after almost interrogating Math. He’ll probably put it on his iTunes but never listen to it again.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Dan isn’t in school on Monday. Or Tuesday. Or Wednesday. On Thursday night, after over a week of not seeing Dan, Butcher or getting much out of Math about when they’ll be back, Phil is almightily pissed off. He hasn’t been this annoyed in a while. A message from Dan would have been nice. Phil might not have a phone but still.</p><p>If anyone at school has come up with theories about how Phil became good friends with Dan, none of them mention it in front of him. Even Morgan doesn’t say a word, which is surprising, considering the boy knows every piece of gossip ever spoken in Rhagfyr. Even in this tiny village, Phil thinks he’s beginning to get tired of other people. Other people are far too complicated.</p><p>At dinner his mum tells him – again – “You still need to invite your boyfriend over for dinner.”</p><p>Phil feels like screaming. If Dan came over for dinner, he’d be able to get his phone back. If he had his phone right now, Dan would be able to ring him. It’s a problem inside a problem.</p><p>“He’s away right now,” Phil replies glumly.</p><p>“During school time?” she blinks, surprised. “Surely he could have gone away during the half-term?”</p><p>Phil shrugs. “I don’t know.”</p><p>His mum takes a bite of sausage and swallows, then asking, “Has something gone on? You haven’t fallen out with him, have you?”</p><p>“No,” Phil answers quickly, though he’s not really sure. Dan has been AWOL for almost a week. “Everything’s fine.”</p><p>“I suppose I don’t help things,” she says, suddenly looking guilty. “You don’t have a phone to text him with. You know, I just thought the only way I’d get to meet this boy is if I made a deal with you. But I guess it was a bit mean, rushing you along like that.”</p><p>Phil raises an eyebrow.</p><p>“Let’s make another deal. You can have your phone back if you wash up after tea and hoover your room. I swear you’ve got cobwebs in your carpet.”</p><p>Phil finishes off his tea as quickly as possible, rushing on to complete the tasks his mum wants him to do. Having his phone back won’t help him to contact Dan – not when he doesn’t have the other boy’s number – but having access to all his old messages and photos again would be nice, as well as the internet.</p><p>He feels triumphant when his mum hands it back over to him, after digging it out of wherever she hid it. “I promise I didn’t look at anything. It’s locked anyway,” she tells him.</p><p>Phil swipes across his phone and sighs happily when he hears the familiar click of the unlocking sound. He’d almost forgotten how good it felt to be in control again; having a phone is like practically like having the world at your fingertips. Phil doesn’t fall asleep until past two that night, too busy updating his phone.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>To Phil’s surprise, Dan is in his English class first thing on Friday morning, over a week since Phil last saw him. Dan’s sat across the room next to Seren – who still won’t quite look Phil in the eye – and he doesn’t even look bothered that Phil is staring at him intensely. Phil is still pissed off, immeasurably so. He spends the lesson digging his pen into the pages of his English book until a corner of the paper breaks off into an inky, mushy mess.</p><p>At break, Phil corners Dan in the boys’ toilets.</p><p>“Where the fuck were you?”</p><p>Phil has no idea if anyone else is inside any of the cubicles but the rest of the bathroom looks empty, with Dan standing by the sinks and staring at the mirror when Phil had entered.</p><p>“I was away,” Dan answers nonchalantly.</p><p>Phil stares him down. “And you couldn’t have told me?”</p><p>“It was a last minute thing,” Dan says. It almost sounds like an apology, but it isn’t. Because Dan doesn’t look like he gives a single shit about how Phil feels – which is still angry. Very fucking angry.</p><p>Phil says nothing but he doesn’t stop glaring at Dan.</p><p>Dan snaps, “It’s not my fault you don’t have a fucking phone!”</p><p>Phil pauses. So maybe he’s not really the easiest guy to contact. But Dan could have done something, surely. Phil’s determined to make his point now.</p><p>“That’s not the point!” Phil counters.</p><p>“Then what fucking is the point?”</p><p>A toilet flushes and then a kid who’s about the same height as a traffic cone walks out and says, “You shouldn’t swear.”</p><p>Dan yells, “Fuck off!” and the kid scarpers.</p><p>Phil shouldn’t find it funny. It isn’t funny. Definitely not. He’s supposed to be angry right now, really angry. However he still ends up bursting into laughter as he sees the kid run out of the bathroom, probably thankful he already went to the toilet before Dan screamed in his face.</p><p>“What are you fucking laughing at?” Dan growls.</p><p>All Phil can get out – in between what he refuses to call ‘giggles’ – is, “You’re such a twat. Did you see his face?”</p><p>Dan is the perfect picture representation of ‘not amused’.</p><p>“Why the fuck are you so pissed about me going off for the week? I never thought you’d be clingy.”</p><p>“I’m not clingy,” Phil defends, but his argument has lost strength now. “I just wish you’d have fucking warned me. I mean, you disappear the day after we did…that and then you turn up again like nothing ever happened, treating me like I’m the weird one.”</p><p>“Right,” Dan sighs. “I’m sorry, alright? Is that what you wanted to hear?”</p><p>“No. Not really,” Phil admits. Maybe an apology would have been nice two hours ago but now he just feels disappointed and confused and clingy.</p><p>“Then what?” Dan sounds exasperated.</p><p>Phil quietly confesses, “I just don’t want you to regret what we did.”</p><p>“I don’t.”</p><p>Phil has to admit; Dan saying that does make him feel a tad better.</p><p>Then Dan adds, “I wasn’t avoiding you. Butcher just had some stuff to take care of and wanted me to go with him.”</p><p>“What was it?”</p><p>“It doesn’t matter,” Dan brushes off the question.</p><p>“I’m sorry for being ‘clingy’,” Phil says. He may or may not have used air-quotations; he’s still a little bit fucking annoyed and he thinks he deserves to give Dan a bit of trouble.</p><p>“You just need to get your fucking phone back,” Dan sighs.</p><p>“I did.”</p><p>Dan blinks. “But I thought I had to meet your mum first?”</p><p>“She changed her mind last night. I think she thought we’d broken up or something and she felt bad.”</p><p>Dan whips his own phone out of his pocket at lightning speed and demands, “Give me your fucking number.”</p><p>Phil has no reason not to oblige.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>For the rest of the day, Phil only sees snippets of Dan. When he eats lunch with Morgan and Ffion, Dan is nowhere to be seen in the canteen. Phil catches sight of him again walking down the other end of the science lab corridor and they have a History lesson together, but Dan is silent on the other side of the room.</p><p>Then Phil’s phone vibrates with a text. He checks it when the teacher isn’t looking.</p><p>sleep over at mine tonight? bring clothes</p><p>When they get out of school, everybody rejoicing that it’s the end of the week, Phil can’t see Dan anywhere. Morgan walks with Phil back through the village, jabbering on about how his mum keeps telling him to tidy his room, but then he has to leave down another lane to get to his own house. Phil keeps walking.</p><p>When Phil gets home, his mum is already there. She’d finished early. He quickly heads for the stairs and she asks, “What’s got you in a hurry?”</p><p>“Mum, can I sleep over at someone’s tonight?”</p><p>She looks away from her laptop and raises an eyebrow. “Is this someone your boyfriend?”</p><p>Phil could lie. He could say that it’s Morgan who’s holding the sleepover, but really who the hell is he trying to kid. Treating his mum like she was born yesterday is probably going to be a bad idea in the long run.</p><p>“Yeah,” he nods.</p><p>She sighs. “I know you’re 16 now and you’re growing up and have to make your own choices, but promise me you’ll be safe.”</p><p>“I will be,” he promises.</p><p>“I can’t stop you from having sex,” she starts, and wow does Phil wish they weren’t discussing this right now. “But I can definitely make sure you’re being safe. Stay right here a second.”</p><p>She disappears up the stairs and Phil collapses back onto the sofa, wondering when talking to his mum became so embarrassing. Why was she so convinced that they were at it like rabbits? Well perhaps they are, Phil thinks, but they’ve not gone all the way yet.</p><p>His mum comes back downstairs and presses a box into his hand. He doesn’t need to read the box to know what’s inside it; the Durex logo is enough. Phil’s still trying to get over the fact that his mum just handed him a box of condoms when she starts talking again.</p><p>“You’ve got no excuse not to be safe,” she tells him, obviously trying for a parental sternness in her voice.</p><p>“Right,” he nods. “Right, thanks.”</p><p>She kisses him on the cheek and says, “Don’t forget to pack your toothbrush.”</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Phil makes his way back to Dan’s secret place on the cliffs and, as he scrambles up the hill, he can peer just enough through the foliage of the trees to see that Dan is already there. Dan isn’t burning anything or even reading anything; he’s sat on the grass, staring out at the sea.</p><p>“Dan,” Phil calls, finally walking on level ground again. He drops his overnight bag down on the grass and goes to sit next to Dan.</p><p>Dan turns to him and just stares, not saying a word. His eyes look wide, watery even and his expression makes him look young. Before Phil can try and say anything else, Dan pushes forward and kisses him. Phil’s back twists due to the angle but he presses back against Dan’s lips, tongue sliding into Dan’s mouth.</p><p>When Dan pulls away to take a breath, Phil pants, “What’s wrong?”</p><p>“Nothing. Kiss me again.”</p><p>“No,” Phil shakes his head and moves away from Dan’s lips. “You looked like you were upset. What’s wrong?”</p><p>Dan shrugs but his eyes are glistening, a slight redness showing in the corners. He looks like he’s about to cry, and Phil has no idea what to do. Dan doesn’t do this kind of thing; emotions don’t happen to Dan. Or maybe that’s just what Dan wants Phil to think.</p><p>“Dan,” he whispers, pulling Dan close so that he can hold onto him.</p><p>Dan clings to him, nails digging into Phil’s back through his clothes. Phil can feel Dan’s chest shuddering and each violent sob that wracks Dan’s body, but the silence is the worst. Dan is crying against him but nothing can be heard, not even a whimper.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” Phil asks again.</p><p>He pulls back to look at Dan’s face and Dan blinks, a tear quickly running down his face before he wipes it away. Something in Dan’s expression suddenly changes and his eyes harden, jaw tensing. Dan gets up to his feet before Phil can stop him.</p><p>“Let’s go.”</p><p>“Wait!” Phil calls out, scrambling up from the grass. “You need to tell me what’s going on.”</p><p>Dan picked up Phil’s bag and started walking over the hill without him.</p><p>“Dan!”</p><p>The other boy doesn’t even turn around when Phil calls him. Phil quickly follows him.</p><p>“Are we just not going to talk about that?” Phil asks exasperatedly.</p><p>“No,” Dan turns to him, his tone stern. “We are never going to talk about it and you’re going to forget everything about it.”</p><p>When Phil opens his mouth to respond, Dan is already speeding up on the journey to his house and Phil decides that maybe it’s best he keep quiet about it.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>“What do you want to watch?” Dan asks when they walk into the lounge, the first time he’s spoken since they were by the cliffs.</p><p>“I brought something,” Phil tells him.</p><p>He had his overnight bag by the door, his hoodie to lying over it. Dan sits down on the sofa, his knees tucked into his chest. He looks vulnerable when he’s folded up this small, Phil thinks. He digs through his bag and pulls out the DVD he’d packed at the last minute. He’d bought it on Amazon when he’d secretly borrow his mum’s laptop and postage to somewhere like Rhagfyr is slow.</p><p>“What is it?” Dan asks.</p><p>Phil holds out the DVD for Dan to read the title and he swears that, for a split second, Dan’s eyes light up and he’s almost smiling. Phil might not know what’s up with Dan or why he was crying earlier but Dan has the ability to close off any further conversation with a single look, so Phil’s not going to talk about it until Dan’s calmed down again.</p><p>“I thought we made a deal that you had to read the book first?” Dan says.</p><p>“I’m not much of a reader,” Phil replies. “But I’ll give it a go one day. Let’s just watch the film first.”</p><p>“I’ll put it in,” Dan steps up from the sofa and takes the DVD from Phil.</p><p>Fight Club; Phil had said that they needed to watch it together.</p><p>Dan asks “Are you hungry?” and Phil shrugs. He could wait a little while.</p><p>So Dan turns on the TV and sits back down on the sofa, motioning for Phil to sit next to him. Phil sits close enough for Dan to rest his head on Phil’s shoulder. Dan is silent but his actions speak volumes; he’s tucked into Phil’s body, using Phil as a source of comfort.</p><p>The film starts and Phil has to pay attention to keep up with what’s going on. Dan is smirking at some of the scenes, as though there’s some hidden joke in their somewhere that Phil wouldn’t understand. By the time Brad Pitt turns up, Phil is completely confused.</p><p>“This bit was better in the book,” Dan comments.</p><p>“What’s going on?” Phil asks, deciding that he’d rather have Dan laugh at him than spend the next hour being confused.</p><p>Surprisingly without a single judging look, Dan begins to explain the basic plot to him. As he does, he leans closer into Phil. Phil wraps an arm around Dan to keep his close, hoping that Dan is too busy explaining the importance Tyler Durden to pay too much attention to what Phil’s doing.</p><p>But Dan does notice, and he still doesn’t move. They watch the rest of the film cuddled up, skin and limbs touching wherever possible. Despite the closeness of Dan’s body to him, Phil doesn’t feel particularly lustful; being able to hold someone like this is somewhat soothing to him, and obviously to Dan too.</p><p>When the film ends, the narrator and Marla stand watching the buildings around them collapse, with The Pixies playing in the background. Phil looks over Dan and, while Dan’s lips are a straight, hard line, Dan’s eyes are wide with awe. Phil feels the same; the film had been a rollercoaster from start to finish.</p><p>“Is it better than the book?” Phil asks.</p><p>Dan growls, “Nothing is better than the book!” but he’s smiling.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Phil wakes up in the middle of night to the sound of faint music. They’d gone to bed at around two, deciding that watching a Lord of the Rings marathon after a week of school was not a good idea. When he’d been getting into bed with Dan – both of them wearing boxers and t-shirts – Phil hadn’t actually felt any sexual excitement. The only excitement he’d experienced was that of being able to sleep next to Dan again without having to stress about what he was going to tell his mum.</p><p>When Phil rolls over, Dan is facing the ceiling with his headphones in, wide-eyed. One of the bedside lamps is on the dimmest setting, just enough to light up Dan’s features. Dan looks over to Phil after a few seconds and pulls out one of his headphones and offers it to Phil. The tinny sound coming from the headphone turns into heavy drums when Phil presses it into his ear. He doesn’t recognise the artist but they’re some kind of metal band. Dan looks both exhausted and miserable.</p><p>He taps Dan’s shoulder and mouths, “What’s up?”</p><p>Dan shrugs and wriggles closer to Phil, their shoulders touching.</p><p>Phil pokes Dan in the side and Dan sends him a glare in return. Then Phil takes the ultimate move and pulls out both of the headphones.</p><p>“Hey!” Dan says angrily.</p><p>“You need to tell me what’s up.”</p><p>“Fuck off.” Dan grabs the headphones and put them in again. He turns his back on Phil.</p><p>Unsure of what he should do next, Phil shifts closer to Dan and gently reaches his arm over, wrapping it around Dan and trying to grab the iPod. Dan mistakes his actions for Phil hugging him and relaxes, just as Phil swiftly pulls the headphones out of the iPod and then jumps backwards of the bed, Dan’s iPod in his hands.</p><p>“What the fuck?” Dan swears.</p><p>Phil repeats, “You need to tell me what’s up.”</p><p>Dan sits up in bed, his hair a mess of half-curls and his t-shirt bunched up around his waist to reveal a slither of tanned skin around his hips.</p><p>“Just go back to sleep,” Dan sighs, lying back down on the bed with a softened thump.</p><p>“Why won’t you talk to me?” Phil asks. “I’ll give you back your iPod if you just talk to me.”</p><p>“Then why don’t you just leave,” Dan growls, turning over to push his face into the pillow.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Just go back to your normal fucking life and forget you ever met me.”</p><p>Dan’s voice is half-muffled by the pillow but what Phil can hear is saddening; Dan sounds like he could be on the verge of tears. Phil puts the iPod down on the desk behind him then walks over to Dan, kneeling on the side of the bed and resting his hands on Dan’s back.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” Phil asks. He presses his face into the back of Dan’s neck. “Just tell me what’s wrong.”</p><p>Dan mumbles something but Phil can’t quite hear it.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>Dan lifts his head up to mutter, “It doesn’t matter.”</p><p>“No, I just didn’t hear you,” Phil persists. “Tell me again.”</p><p>Dan kneels up on the bed and Phil sits across from him, legs hanging off the edge.</p><p>“I’m a bad person.”</p><p>Dan’s voice is weak and his eyes are watery; once again, Phil has no idea what to do. He wraps his arms around Dan to pull him into a hug. Phil had heard once that human touch is supposed to be naturally comforting. He has no idea where Dan likes it but the other boy hasn’t pushed him away yet.</p><p>Dan continues – voice hoarse – “You shouldn’t like me.”</p><p>“I do like you,” Phil whispers. “I like you a lot.”</p><p>“Don’t.”</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Phil wakes up the next morning to find that Dan is already awake. Any evidence of Dan’s tears the night before are gone; Phil had fallen asleep with Dan wrapped around him, once the other boy was done crying into his t-shirt. Dan looks over to him and his expression is one of mild interest.</p><p>Then one of Dan’s hands snakes under the covers and Phil practically yelps when Dan squeezes his cock. It’s already half-hard – a result of being a horny teenage boy – and Dan brings it to full erection as he massages the length through Phil’s boxers. Phil can’t help but let out a desperate groan when Dan squeezes where the tip is.</p><p>In one brief movement, Dan slips his head under the covers and Phil can only see the shape of his body. Dan’s hands pull down his boxers and then Phil feels lips encasing the head of his cock. It’s enough to make him moan loudly. Dan licks a long stripe up his length before swallowing him down. Phil bucks up without meaning too but Dan doesn’t pull off, only sucks harder.</p><p>Phil wishes he could see what Dan looks like; he must look incredibly hot, his lips stretched around Phil’s dick. Unable to resist, he lifts back the covers to see Dan bobbing up and down on his cock. Dan looks up and catches Phil’s eyes as he pulls back to tongue the head of his dick. Phil swears loudly; Dan is ridiculously sexy.</p><p>“Oh God,” Phil moans. “I’m almost there–”</p><p>Dan wraps his lips around the head of Phil’s cock and Phil comes. Hit by a brick wall of pleasure, he drops the covers back down again. He can feel Dan’s mouth work to swallow his release, the vibrations making his dick leak harder. When he’s finally done, Dan gives his tip a few tentative licks then rolls away, poking his head above the covers again.</p><p>After tucking his soft dick back into his boxers, Phil looks over to Dan and asks, “Do you want me to…?”</p><p>Dan nods and Phil tries to give him the best handjob he’s capable of giving. He doesn’t trust himself enough to be able to give a blowjob as good as Dan’s. Dan comes quickly – which is hopefully a good sign – then lies his head down on Phil’s chest, his previously rapid panting slowing to long, steady breaths. Phil holds him close.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Phil spends Sunday morning in bed, scrolling through his Facebook feed to see if his old friends back in Manchester have been getting up to anything interesting. They haven’t messaged him much since they moved; they must have moved on pretty quickly. To be honest, the thing Phil misses most about Manchester is the city itself. He misses traipsing down Market Street towards Afflecks Palace and wandering through Arndale to find the HMV. He misses HMV more than he misses his old friends.</p><p>Dan doesn’t have Facebook; Phil had asked. It isn’t that unlikely, considering Dan is an anti-consumerist hipster who has seemingly forgotten that he owns an iPod. While on the subject of things that haven’t been forgotten, Phil thinks back to the sleepover the night before. Dan had cried a lot that night and Phil hadn’t known what to do. That probably qualifies him as a bad boyfriend.</p><p>“Phil,” his mum’s voice calls from outside his bedroom door. “Do you want a bacon butty?”</p><p>Phil’s not the biggest fan of bacon butties but he won’t turn down food. “Yeah,” he calls back, only just remembering to add a “Please!” on the end.</p><p>He hears his mum’s loud footsteps down the stairs and goes back to scrolling through Facebook. He hasn’t posted a status in almost three months now; there hasn’t really been anything to talk about. If his friends were still talking to him, he’d probably tell them about Dan. But they aren’t, so he won’t.</p><p>Phil locks his phone and rather ungracefully stumbles out of bed. His hair must look shit this morning but he can shower later. He’d showered at Dan’s yesterday morning. Well, they’d showered together, which isn’t something Phil has ever really done before. Being completely naked and on full view was a bit daunting at first, even if Dan was well acquainted with Phil’s crown jewels.</p><p>He’d forgotten all about his own self-consciousness once Dan stepped into the shower, his skin hairless and delectably smooth. Phil could feel his cock harden and faced away from Dan, face in the harsh spray of the showerhead. He grabbed the shampoo bottle and squeezed a suitable amount into his palm before handing it backwards to Dan. When Phil looked back at the collection of shampoo, conditioner and shower gels, he noticed something that certainly been in the shower hadn’t been there the last time he’d showered at Dan’s; the cherry lube.</p><p>Dan had reached over him to put the shampoo back and Phil started massaging the shampoo into his hair. Then Dan’s hands had slipped around his waist and reached south. Phil jumped slightly but then relaxed into it. He turned around to look at Dan. Dan’s dark hair was dripping with shampoo foam and, when Phil sneaked a look down, was also sporting an erection.</p><p>“You’re horny this morning,” Dan hadd smirked.</p><p>“Says you.”</p><p>Dan rolled his eyes, then asked, “Pass the lube?”</p><p>“The lube?” Phil had repeated. “Why?”</p><p>“You know why.</p><p>“You want me to finger you again?” Phil would have been lying if he’d denied that he was in fact very eager to try it out again.</p><p>Dan had been silent but his eyes spoke volumes. Phil grabbed the lube and coated two fingers. They had swapped places so that Dan could stand under the showerhead, Phil’s hand wrapping behind him to lightly press against his entrance. Before Phil even had one finger fully inside him, Dan had been whining, begging Phil to hurry up. Dan had come from his fingers alone and Phil’s heart was beating so fast that he had forgotten all about the shampoo drying in his hair and the cold air against his wet back. Dan had jerked him off in return.</p><p>He held Dan close when they shared the room under the spray, playing with his wet curls. They replaced the lube for conditioner and Phil ran his fingers through his hair just enough to ensure that he’d be able to get a brush through it later. Dan had kissed him hungrily, allowing Phil’s tongue to lick into his mouth without complaint.</p><p>Even now, remembering that moment threatens an erection. Phil pushes it to the back of his mind but he knows that it’ll forever remain a memory for his late night times alone.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Monday morning presents possibly the most miserable weather Phil’s experienced since moving to Rhagfyr. He’s sat with Morgan, Ffion and Aled in the library at break, avoiding the heavy rain that fiercely lashes at the windows. The clouds outside are so dark that it almost looks like night at ten o’clock in the morning.</p><p>Any hopes that Phil may have held about Morgan not mentioning Dan are smashed to pieces when Morgan pops the question, “So are you and Daniel together or something?”</p><p>Ffion raises an eyebrow and Aled pretends to be distracted by a poster on the library wall but Morgan is staring Phil straight in the eyes; he’s unrelenting. Phil isn’t sure how to play this one. Dan had been more concerned about Phil being the one who’d be judged, or so he’d said.</p><p>“Let’s talk about something else,” Phil suggests.</p><p>Ffion sighs. “Oh, come on. Everyone’s saying it!”</p><p>“Everyone?” Phil repeats.</p><p>All three of them nod back at him.</p><p>“So are you?” Morgan questions him.</p><p>“Are you going to tell everyone that we are, whether I say it or not?” Phil asks.</p><p>“Most definitely,” Ffion nods. Well, at least she’s honest, Phil thinks.</p><p>Phil huffs a sigh. “Fine.”</p><p>“Is that a yes?” Morgan grins.</p><p>“It’s a ‘fine’. Do with it what you will.”</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Phil has a lesson with Dan that day, and he spends most of it texting Dan under the table, making fun of the annoying substitute teacher they have. The woman has been writing up names during the lesson of anyone who’s missing a piece of stationary, apparently to report back to their usual teacher. Phil has been written up for not owning a full-length ruler. Phil wishes he had a full-length ruler so that he could stick it up her arse, which he’d texts Dan about and receives a muffled chuckle from across the room.</p><p>They’ve all been given a letter about the Parents’ Evening next Thursday and it makes Phil wonder about Dan’s parents again. Dan doesn’t want to talk about it, therefore Phil can’t really ask about it; he doesn’t want Dan to push him away again. Dan’s only just acting like himself again and Phil doesn’t want to screw it up.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>On Wednesday night, after school, Phil decides to go over to Dan’s. He texts Dan but doesn’t get a response; Dan must be too busy blasting Minor Threat to hear his phone. He trudges up the hill, grimacing as the mud coats his school shoes. As Phil suspected, Dan isn’t at the cliff edge – not in this weather – so he continues down the hill to Dan’s house.</p><p>He’s just rounding the side of the house when he sees Butcher unlocking the front door with one hand, the other hand gripping at least two bags of shopping. There’s a car – Butcher’s – on the drive with the boot open, revealing more shopping. Phil considers quickly turning back the other way but Butcher sees him.</p><p>“Phil!” Butcher grins. “Dan’s out at the moment but he’ll be back soon enough. You can come inside and wait for him.”</p><p>Phil begins to say, “That’s alright, I–”</p><p>“No, come in,” Butcher interjects with a friendly smile. “Grab some shopping from the car for me, yeah?”</p><p>Phil picks up the remaining bags and closes the boot before following Dan’s brother inside. Butcher leads him into the kitchen and starts putting some of the food away.</p><p>“Just leave it on the table,” he says to Phil. “Thanks.”</p><p>Phil puts down the bags and passes over food for Butcher to put into the fridge.</p><p>“Where is Dan?” Phil asks.</p><p>“Having his hair cut,” Butcher answers. “So, how’s school?”</p><p>“It’s alright, thanks,” Phil replies.</p><p>“Anything interesting happening?”</p><p>“Not much,” Phil shrugs. “It’s Parents’ Evening next week.”</p><p>“Oh,” Butcher quickly covers up his expression with a smile as Phil hands him a bottle of juice. “I’ll see you there, then.”</p><p>“Can I ask…” Phil starts. “What happened to Dan’s parents? I mean– your parents?”</p><p>Butcher puts down the bottle he’s holding and sits down at the table, beckoning for Phil to join him.</p><p>“Dan probably wants to tell you himself,” Butcher says quietly. “But then again, he probably never will.”</p><p>“Will he be angry if you tell me?”</p><p>Butcher sighs and nods. “Probably.”</p><p>Phil stares down at the kitchen floor, half hoping it’ll swallow him up so that he won’t have to continue this awkward conversation.</p><p>“Tell me something,” Butcher says. “You and Dan, you’re together right?”</p><p>“Um,” Phil mumbles. “I–”</p><p>“It’s alright, he told me that you and him were…close. I was just checking nothing’s changed.”</p><p>“It hasn’t,” Phil assures him. Butcher looks completely unfussed; if anything, he looks quite proud.</p><p>“Then you probably deserve to know,” Butcher smiles. “But let’s do it this way, I tell you some of it and then you can wait for Dan to tell you the rest. It’s only fair.”</p><p>“Okay,” Phil nods. “Thanks.”</p><p>“Just don’t judge him, alright?”</p><p>Phil is wondering what Butcher means by that when the front door closes noisily and Dan strolls into the kitchen – hair looking freshly cut and shiny – oblivious to their conversation. Butcher immediately brightens his expression and gives Phil a look of ‘Don’t tell him about this’.</p><p>“I told Phil he could just wait for you inside,” Butcher tells Dan. “Anyway, I’ll be off. I think I got everything you wanted.”</p><p>“Thanks Aaron,” Dan replies sincerely.</p><p>“I like the haircut,” Butcher grins. “Even if it is exactly the same as last time.”</p><p>Dan narrows his eyes in mock disdain and says, “Shut up,” but his tone is playful.</p><p>“I’ll be seeing you two later,” Butcher says as he heads for the door. “Text me if you need me.”</p><p>Phil calls back, “Bye!” as he hears the loud bang of the door closing, getting to his feet.</p><p>Dan puts away the remaining bag of shopping – all of it fruit and vegetables – and then stands next to Phil by the table.</p><p>“You hair looks good,” Phil tells him. It’s only a couple of inches shorter but it frames his face nicely.</p><p>“It’s too short,” Dan grimaces. “She cut off too much.”</p><p>Phil shakes his head. “It looks nice.”</p><p>“No it doesn’t.”</p><p>Phil takes a gentle grip of Dan’s wrist and pulls him in closer. “You always look nice.”</p><p>Dan scoffs. “Stop flirting.”</p><p>“I mean it,” Phil persists, leaning to kiss Dan on the lips softly.</p><p>Dan immediately kisses back, his lips moving slowly but deliberately. Phil takes in Dan’s scent – fresh shampoo and Dan’s favourite body spray. His tongue presses at the crease of Dan’s lips, carefully pushing inside. Dan tastes like mint chewing gum, something he must have had earlier. Dan’s hands reach up and clasp behind Phil’s neck as he relaxes into the kiss.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>“Phil, how about you text your boyfriend and ask him over for tea tomorrow night?”</p><p>Phil raises an eyebrow at his mother. “What happened to letting me take my own time with it?”</p><p>“I still want to meet him,” she says determinedly, still swallowing down a mouthful of curry. “I promise I’ll behave myself.”</p><p>“I’ll ask him,” Phil replies.</p><p>She doesn’t look convinced so he takes out his phone and starts writing a text, trying to sound as casual as possible. He still doesn’t know what Dan’s family situation is – since Butcher was interrupted before he could explain – and he doesn’t want to freak Dan out by introducing him to his overbearing, though loving, mother.</p><p>“Mum, could you do me a favour?”</p><p>“What is it?” she asks, slightly cautious.</p><p>“If you do meet Dan,” Phil begins. “Don’t ask about his parents or anything. He just…doesn’t want to talk about it.”</p><p>His mum immediately looks curious but Phil can see her curbing herself. “That’s fine, I won’t.”</p><p>Phil doesn’t receive a reply from Dan until the next morning.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>“So how did you two meet?”</p><p>This is painful, Phil thinks. Then he corrects himself; this is worse that painful – it’s excruciating. His mum is asking every cliché question that Phil had been wishing they could avoid.</p><p>“We’re in the same class,” Dan answers smoothly.</p><p>“That’s nice,” Phil’s mum nods.</p><p>Phil had pre-warned her that Dan was a vegetarian and definitely wouldn’t appreciate her cooking steak and chips, so instead they were all tucking into homemade cheese and onion pie – though Phil was considering what song his coffin should be carried into the crematorium to once he died of suffocation by pastry.</p><p>“So Dan, I know you’re English but do you speak any Welsh?”</p><p>“I’m almost fluent,” Dan answers, earning a small sound of surprise from Phil.</p><p>“Really?” Phil blinks. “I didn’t know.”</p><p>“You never asked,” Dan shrugs before giving Phil’s mum a friendly smile that will undoubtedly win her over and have her researching gay wedding planners before the night is out.</p><p>She beams and says, “That’s very impressive. Don’t you want to learn some Welsh, Phil?”</p><p>She’s quickly changed her tune, since saying it was a gobbledygook language, Phil thinks but doesn’t say.</p><p>“If I can manage it with the rest of my lessons,” Phil replies.</p><p>“Maybe Dan could teach you some,” his mum suggests, slicing off a piece of her pie.</p><p>Dan nods, “Maybe I could.” Only Phil notices the slightly mischievous look in Dan’s eyes.</p><p>Considering it’s the first time Dan is meeting Phil’s mum, the night is pretty uneventful. Dan is polite and charming towards her and Phil can already see how impressed she is with him by the way she gives him her full, bright smile with no hesitance. Phil offers to walk Dan home and come back again, leaving his mum to clean up the dishes.</p><p>“What do you think?” Phil asks.</p><p>“Of your mum? She’s nice.”</p><p>“That’s good,” Phil nods, pleased. “She really likes you.”</p><p>Phil can’t help but notice the way Dan’s lips curl up into a smile, his eyes sparkling under the cloudy moonlight as the sky slowly darkens into dusk.</p><p>When Phil gets back, his mum gushes, “He’s fabulous!” and doesn’t even notice that Phil makes no offer to help her finish cleaning up.</p><p>“Tell him he can come around any time,” she calls as Phil bounds up the stairs. “Just warn me if I’m cooking something veggie!”</p><p>All in all, the night is a success.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>“Do you ever want to sleep over at mine?”</p><p>Dan scoffs loudly. Phil frowns, wondering why the question deserves such a reaction. Phil lies back on the bed as Dan adds to the colour collage that is Dan’s bedroom walls, paint streaked across the back of his hands.</p><p>“We can’t really do much with your mum asleep next door, can we?” Dan says. “At mine, it’s free house all the time.”</p><p>“Why do we have to do something?” Phil questions him.</p><p>“Don’t give me that face,” Dan smirks. “I didn’t hear you complaining the last time I sucked you off.”</p><p>Phil can’t deny that Dan’s blowjobs are on a whole new level; he’d even go as far to say that Dan’s blowjobs are better than all-the-way sex. Dan has a very talented mouth.</p><p>“But we could last one night without getting off,” Phil protests. “It’d be a bit more romantic.”</p><p>“I’m not romantic enough for you?”</p><p>Phil rolls his eyes. “My mum thinks I’m embarrassed to bring you back to mine.”</p><p>Dan interjects, “I was literally there last week.”</p><p>“You’ve never even seen my bedroom.”</p><p>Dan narrows his eyes and in a mockingly seductive voice asks, “Is that somewhere you want us to spend a lot of time?”</p><p>“Shut up,” Phil groans.</p><p>Dan laughs and Phil watches him wiping the paint from his hands with a wet tissue before climbing onto the bed to straddle him. He leans down until his face is only centimetres above Phil’s.</p><p>“Make me,” Dan whispers playfully.</p><p>“Look,” Phil sighs. “How about, if you manage to spend one night at mine without doing anything, I’ll owe you one?”</p><p>“One of what?” Dan raises an eyebrow.</p><p>“One of anything you want.”</p><p>Dan grins wickedly. “Now that’s an offer I can’t refuse.”</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Phil has always hated Parents’ Evening, and not for the reason that most people would think. He’s not a bad student, not really. He’s usually on time and he gets most of his homework done. He hasn’t had a single detention since moving to his new school in Rhagfyr and most teachers would say he’s settled in well. But none of that is the problem.</p><p>The problem is that, no matter who you are, people will always revalue you on who your parents are; they’ll change their perspective. Teachers become psychologists in a matter of seconds. Are you a kid with lots of siblings? Then you’re more likely to act out for attention, due to the deep-seated need to be noticed by your parents. Adopted? Then you’ve never really felt like you belong and therefore don’t make friends easy. Raised by a single parent?</p><p>Well Phil can imagine the answer to that one. If one of your parents died, you’ll a reasonable dose of sympathy. If one of your parents left, you’ll get a much higher dose of pity. Teachers will treat you differently and, worst of all, so will your classmates. Nobody says it out loud but everyone knows it.</p><p>Phil’s mum is dressed up nicely for Parents’ Evening – her pale lilac blouse matches her hair clamp almost perfectly – and, while Phil hates the idea of people staring and judging either of them, he is proud that his mum is well put together, compared to some of the other parents who look weary from work, still wearing cheap, coffee-stained shirts.</p><p>Fortunately Dan and Butcher show up at around the same time and sit next to them in the makeshift waiting room. Dan looks slightly affronted when one student turns and not-so-quietly whispers to his dad about Dan and the rumours that surround the subject of him. Phil sends him a smile as his mum starts a conversation with Butcher, who is perfectly polite and charming.</p><p>“I’m Dan’s brother,” he grins. “Call me Butcher.”</p><p>“That’s an interesting name,” Phil’s mum comments.</p><p>“A nickname,” he assures her. “Or you can call me Aaron.”</p><p>“Aaron,” she smiles, shaking his hand. Then she turns to Phil and asks, “When’s your next appointment? Who is it with?”</p><p>“My English teacher, in ten minutes,” Phil swiftly answers. “I’m just going to the loo.”</p><p>As he gets up to find the toilets, Phil notices that Dan mutters something to Butcher before following after him. Phil raises an eyebrow as Dan walks by his side down the corridor.</p><p>“You’re coming with me? To the loo?”</p><p>“It’s better than listening to your mum and Butcher try to make small talk.”</p><p>Phil stiffens slightly; his mum is actually pretty good at making conversation. Dan doesn’t seem to notice, but points towards the nearest boys’ bathroom. Phil wonders if Dan is just going to stand there, watching him use the urinal, and quickly comes to the conclusion that he’s not going to be able to go if somebody else is watching him.</p><p>Luckily Dan stands near the sinks, far away enough for Phil to not worry about him seeing. It does occur to him that Dan has seen his penis before, numerous times, but Phil would rather pee in peace. Dan turns on a tap and runs his hands through the stream of cold water, splashing his school uniform slightly. Phil finishes up and washes his hands beside him, using some of the cheap soap on the sink platform.</p><p>“It’s such bullshit,” Dan suddenly blurts out.</p><p>“What is?”</p><p>“Parents’ Evening,” Dan frowns. “Who the fuck even cares how I’m doing in school? I don’t. The teachers don’t.”</p><p>“What about your brother?” Phil asks. “Doesn’t he care that you’re doing okay?”</p><p>Dan shakes his head, eyes dark. “Nobody gives a fuck. It’s just a waste of time.”</p><p>“Yeah, I suppose,” Phil replies in a subdued manner. He doesn’t want to disagree with Dan and piss him off further but Dan is a loose cannon at the best of times; Phil bets that Dan could get angry about just about anything.</p><p>“We should get out of here,” Dan mutters.</p><p>“And leave our parents alone at there?” Phil answers without thinking. Parents. He could have used a better word, especially since he only has one anyway. And Dan only has Butcher. Phil shouldn’t have said that, he really shouldn’t have. He has almightily fucked up.</p><p>Dan’s eyes drop down to the floor and he begins the motions for storming out of the bathroom. Phil steps in his path to stop him before that can happen.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Phil tells him. “Bad choice of words.”</p><p>“It doesn’t matter.”</p><p>“It does,” Phil persists. “I should’ve thought it through.”</p><p>“Too fucking late now,” Dan shoots back. “And I don’t care. Say whatever the fuck you want.”</p><p>“Dan,” Phil says his name softly, trying to calm the situation down. He read somewhere that soft voices are more empathetic.</p><p>Dan stands completely still, refusing to meet Phil’s eyes. His body language is less aggressive but Phil can also feel the heat radiating from Dan’s body.</p><p>“What happened?” Phil asks, gentle but pleading. “To your parents? To make you like this?”</p><p>“Like what?” Dan looks like he’s just been slapped. “Like a fucking head case, you mean? Get the fuck out of my way.”</p><p>He forcefully pushes past Phil, heading for the bathroom exit. Phil feels like the biggest dickhead in the universe. He could call after Dan but it wouldn’t make any difference; Dan is already out of the bathroom. When Phil returns to his mum and Butcher, Dan isn’t there. Butcher mumbles some excuse about Dan not feeling well and going home. Phil’s mum gives him a look that tells him that she knows something isn’t right but Phil ignores her. He can imagine that anything she has to say will just backup the rest of the evidence to prove that Phil is the biggest dickhead in the universe.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>At Parents’ Evening, Phil’s English teacher had suggested that he start taking Welsh lessons with one of the Year 7 beginners’ classes and Phil’s mum had signed him up before Phil could even consider it properly, which is how Phil finds himself using his Tuesday morning free period surrounded by loud Year 7s who think it’s hilarious that there’s a 6’4” Year 11 man-child in their class.</p><p>Miss Jones is a patient teacher – Phil will give her that – but Welsh pronunciation is something Phil doesn’t think he’ll ever master. There are sounds that he doesn’t even know how to create with his mouth; obviously the Welsh have evolved to the point where they are using entirely different sounds to the rest of the world. Most of the class already speak some Welsh at home and make Phil seem like complete shit in comparison.</p><p>Phil leaves the lesson in a foul mood and heads for lunch with his shirt untucked and tie too short – he decides he doesn’t give a fuck – and then earns himself a uniform detention from the sadistic, miserable History teacher who apparently gives out uniform detentions like free candy and gets some sort of kick out of keeping students behind. It’s Phil’s first uniform detention at his new school in Rhagfyr and he is incredibly pissed off.</p><p>Just to add to Phil’s already bad mood, Dan is avoiding him. It all started on Parents’ Evening, where Phil had received a text that simply said:</p><p>don’t come over this weekend, not in the mood.</p><p>Phil had tried to be reasonable – he was the one who messed up on Parents’ Evening – but Dan hadn’t replied to any of his texts after that. Phil had even gone over to his house at one point and nobody had answered the door, though there weren’t enough lights on inside to confirm that Dan was even home.</p><p>It’s been almost a week since they last held a conversation and Dan doesn’t even look at him when they pass in the school corridors, instead heading in a different direction. Phil is trying to be reasonable but, in truth, he is getting pretty pissed off.</p><p>Eventually, he snaps. At lunch, instead of sitting with Morgan and Ffion, he looks around and sees Dan in the corner of the canteen, eating at a small table alone. He doesn’t look lonely; he just looks as though he’s annoyed with the rest of the students’ existence and has decided to excommunicate himself from them all. So Phil sits down across from him, staring straight at Dan as he does so.</p><p>“Hey.”</p><p>Dan doesn’t answer, just keeps staring down at his half-eaten food and runs his fork through the mash.</p><p>“I figured that, since you’re avoiding me, I might as well find out why.”</p><p>Morgan and Ffion are three tables away, watching Phil curiously. Some of the other students are looking too, probably wondering why Phil has chosen to sat with Dan of all people.</p><p>“You know why.”</p><p>“No,” Phil shakes his head. “You had the right to be angry at me. I fucked up. But I apologised. You don’t get to just avoid me all the time.”</p><p>“I don’t get to?” Dan asks with a dark smile. “Since when were you my keeper?”</p><p>“Look, I’m sorry.”</p><p>Dan doesn’t look at all placated. “Stop looking at me like I’m some fucking pity case.”</p><p>“Then stop acting like the whole world is against you,” Phil shoots back. “Just, for once, do what you pretend to and stop giving a fuck about what everyone else thinks about you.”</p><p>Dan’s glare drops slightly in surprise; maybe Phil is getting through to him.</p><p>“Stop acting like I’m just going to leave you any minute now,” Phil tells him, glancing around the canteen. “I don’t care what they think.”</p><p>“Yes you do.”</p><p>Phil persists, “I really don’t.”</p><p>Dan picks up his tray and walks out. Phil gets a sense of déjà vu as Dan leaves, fleeing from yet another fight.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Dan actually answers his door that night, dressed in his oldest scruffy jeans and a t-shirt Phil’s pretty sure Dan has slept in before now. He doesn’t look too surprised to see Phil but he doesn’t look particularly happy either. Perhaps he’s just woken up from a nap, Phil wonders.</p><p>“I thought you were Butcher,” Dan says wearily.</p><p>“Sorry to disappoint,” Phil replies, trying to keep his voice light. “I have a proposal.”</p><p>“Really, so soon? But you haven’t even taken me out on a real date yet.” Dan’s voice is low and groggy but Phil can sense the humour within Dan’s words, the only way Dan can find to remedy the situation.</p><p>“Not that,” Phil says with a small smile. “How about, this weekend, you sleep over at mine? My mum wants to cook dinner for us again but we don’t have to spend all night with her. I’ve convinced her to let us sleep in the same room.”</p><p>Dan smirks. It’s the closest thing to a smile Phil’s seen in him in almost a week. “If I do this, won’t you owe me?”</p><p>“Yes I will,” Phil nods. “As long as you keep your part of the bargain. We spend one erection-free night at my house. There is no way I’m getting off while my mum is still under the same roof.”</p><p>“I never thought you’d be eager to stop me from touching you,” Dan says smugly.</p><p>“I’m more interested in whatever we get up to when I give you my end of the deal.”</p><p>“One of anything I want? What if I wanted a whole night of listening to carol music?”</p><p>Phil grimaces but replies, “Then I’d have to do it.”</p><p>“You’re lucky I fucking hate carol music then.”</p><p>Phil laughs softly and Dan leans on the doorway, looking impressively attractive despite his messy attire and half-curled hair. Phil places a gentle – slightly cautious – hand on Dan’s cheek and Dan stares back at him, his dark eyes finally full of something other than anger. Dan pulls him inside and gracelessly lets the door slam shut behind them.</p><p>“What if I wanted a whole night of you fingering me?” Dan whispers, despite the fact that the house is empty.</p><p>“I’d do it.”</p><p>“What about a whole night of you sucking me off?”</p><p>Phil repeats, “I’d do it” and Dan’s eyes light up excitedly.</p><p>“A whole night of you fucking me?”</p><p>“My pleasure,” Phil whispers back, his lips a few inches from Dan’s.</p><p>Phil cups Dan’s face with his hands as he presses their lips together. Dan is eager and – if Phil is not mistaken – already hard. Phil reaches down to rub his hand against Dan’s groin but Dan pulls away grinning.</p><p>“Not yet,” Dan says. “Not until I’ve won the bet.”</p><p>“Wait, so I’m not allowed to get you off until then?”</p><p>“Nope,” Dan smirks deviously.</p><p>“Your loss,” Phil shoots back but Dan laughs at him.</p><p>Their lips find each other again and Phil slides his tongue into Dan’s mouth, relishing in the small moans Dan lets out. Phil can’t deny that his dick is definitely interested; it’s already creating a large tent in his school trousers. Dan’s eyes dart down before he smirks at Phil. How Phil is going to survive until after the sleep over this weekend without once getting off with Dan, he has no idea.</p><p>A loud knock on the door jars Phil out of his thoughts and Dan’s lips move away from his quickly, an embarrassing string of saliva stretching between their lips before breaking. Phil is unsure of how he’s going to hide the erection in his pants from whoever is at the door. Dan quickly informs him of who it is.</p><p>“Fucking Butcher,” Dan mutters. “His timing is fucking awful.”</p><p>Hiding his erection and escaping Dan’s house without getting too far into conversation with Butcher was interesting but Phil managed, even if Butcher did give them both a smug grin that told them that he knew exactly what they’d been up to.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p>Phil is walking home with Morgan after school on Thursday when Dan marches up to him and asks, "You free tonight?"</p><p>Morgan conveniently pretends he isn't there and stares forward. Phil knows he'll be listening in to their conversation and he's slightly surprised that Dan isn't bothered about Morgan overhearing and coming to his own conclusions. To be fair, Morgan isn't a complete idiot and he already knows that they're dating.</p><p>"Nope," Phil answers, adding, "Sorry" as an afterthought.</p><p>Dan wrinkles his nose. "Why not?"</p><p>"I—" Phil cuts himself off. </p><p>Tonight his mum is dragging him to a another meeting with the Quit Smoking group. He'll admit, it's not really as bad as Phil thought it'd be, but he was the youngest person there and listening to a bunch of 20-something pencil pushers talk about their quarter-life crises and nicotine addiction really doesn't do it for Phil. But it keeps his mum happy.</p><p>"I'll text you about it," Phil eventually says. </p><p>He avoids looking at Dan's face but he can see Morgan raise an eyebrow before the boy turns off for his street and mumbles a hasty, "See you tomorrow, Phil."</p><p>"Or you could tell me now," Dan mutters.</p><p>"I didn't want to say in front of Morgan," Phil explains. "My mum's still forcing me to go to the anti-smoking group."</p><p>Dan makes an odd sound, something bordering on a bitter laugh and a disgusted sigh. "Why do you even let her? It's your life."</p><p>"She doesn't want me to die young."</p><p>"But it's that the new fashion? Dying young and fast?" Dan smirks.</p><p>Phil sighs. "Sometimes I forget you're an insufferable hipster."</p><p>"That's not hipster, it's reality."</p><p>"Well the reality is that she's literally going to pummel me if she ever smells smoke on me again," Phil frowns.</p><p>"You could always just smoke at mine," Dan suggests. "I don't give a shit and you can borrow clothes or something so you don't smell like a fucking ashtray."</p><p>Phil protests, "But I've already been clean for like over a month now. Probably longer than that."</p><p>"But you miss it."</p><p>Phil can't quite deny that. He misses the comfort of being able to light up and get rid of all of his worries, all of the stress. In this moment, Dan is like the devil on his shoulder, tempting him into picking up bad habits again. It seems strange that Dan would care, when he himself doesn't even smoke. Then again, Dan has always been destructive.</p><p>"Let me tell you something," Dan walks closer to him so he can speak quieter. "I know someone who can get us some weed. Good stuff, too."</p><p>"What?" Phil blanches. "The fuck—" </p><p>Phil is not a saint. He has done some questionable things in his time. Including some shitty weed that an old friend-come-enemy had given Phil so he'd keep quiet about him fucking the girlfriend of another of Phil's friend. It was all quite complicated and Phil had smoked up and found it boring as hell. He's had little bits at parties but the smell is pretty grim when mixed with the multiple strong scents of whatever perfume or body spray everyone is wearing. </p><p>How the hell has Dan managed to find a dealer in a place like Rhagfyr? It's almost impressive. But Phil doesn't think smoking weed is going to help anything when he's already trying to kick the habit with nicotine.</p><p>"Don't tell me you haven't had some before," Dan smirks.</p><p>"Of course I have," Phil grimaces. "But it's been a while. I'm not sure it's a good idea."</p><p>"Ugh," Dan sighs. "You're so unambitious. It's just weed, not cocaine."</p><p>"But I don't want any," Phil fixed Dan with a hard stare.</p><p>Dan quickly drops the subject after that and they part ways as Dan heads over the hill.</p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Dan walks home with Phil on Friday night, ready with a overnight bag in preparation for their erection-free sleepover. Phil's mum has finished early and is putting away the shopping when Phil and Dan walk in.</p><p>"Hello boys," she greets them with a wide smile. "Is stir fry okay? It's vegetarian!"</p><p>"That's great, thanks," Dan answers and he actually sounds earnest.</p><p>"Let's put your stuff upstairs," Phil says and leads Dan up to his bedroom.</p><p>Phil's bedroom is nothing too special but he's begun to make it his own after moving to Rhagfyr. It's around the same size as Dan's but the walls are nearly empty but for a few posters — mainly Muse — and some pictures of Phil with his old friends back in Manchester. Phil's mum has promised they can use the laptop so Phil has it set up on his bed — which has new covers in a duck egg blue shade. Phil had cleaned up and hoovered the carpet the night before, per his mum's insistence that Dan's first impression of his room couldn't be a messy floor and clothes strewn about everywhere.</p><p>"Nice room," Dan comments, putting down his bag at the end of the bed. "So your mum's definitely letting us share a bed?"</p><p>"Yep," Phil smiles. "Even I'm surprised. I think she's trying to be the 'cool mum' or something.</p><p>"She is cool," Dan says, his voice oddly soft and then Phil realises that the subject of parents is never a good idea with Dan.</p><p>"Do you want to watch a film or something before tea?"</p><p>"Okay," Dan nods and reaches down to unzip his bag. "I brought some DVDs."</p><p>Most of the DVDs Dan's brought seem to be student-made indie films and a quarter of them are foreign language with english subtitles but Phil notices Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and he recognises the name, remembers having seen parts of it before and, most importantly, thinks that Dan will probably be impressed with his choice if he picks something Dan's brought with him rather than one of his own DVDs.</p><p>"How about Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?"</p><p>Dan smiles, nods and mumbles, "Okay."</p><p>Phil sets up the DVD on the laptop and they sit up on Phil's bed, backs against the headboard with pillows propping them up. Dan is sat close to him, close enough for their thighs and shoulders to be touching. If they were at Dan's house, they'd probably be wrapped up together by now, but Phil knows that his mum could wander in without knocking at any moment and he's not sure he's ready for his mum to see him cuddled up with anyone — despite the fact that she probably knows what they get up to.</p><p>Twenty minutes into the film, Phil says, "This film is really sad."</p><p>"Haven't you seen it before?"</p><p>"Only bits. It's a bit miserable."</p><p>"It's a love story," Dan sighs. "Of course it's miserable."</p><p>"Can't love be happy?"</p><p>Dan gives him an odd look before answering, "But that's not what love is."</p><p>Phil brushes it off as another of Dan's out-of-the-box statements about life, love and the universe and continues watching the film. Five minutes later, Dan's hand creeps onto Phil's thigh and lies there, flat and motionless against his jeans. Phil raises an eyebrow.</p><p>"Tonight is supposed to be erection-free, remember?"</p><p>Dan frowns. "I'm not even allowed to touch you."</p><p>"Yes, but you're touching my thigh."</p><p>"Sorry I forgot you were a 15th century untouched maiden," Dan mutters darkly. "How's the chastity belt?"</p><p>"Dan—"</p><p>"I'm just touching your thigh, for fucks sake," Dan grumbles. "Here!"</p><p>He takes Phil's hand and places it on his own waist, turning so that Phil is practically holding him, then moves his own hand to Phil's chest.</p><p>"Is hugging still too much, fair maiden?" Dan asks sarcastically, still looking mildly pissed off.</p><p>"Fucking hell," Phil swears, a laugh escaping his lips. "Calm down." </p><p>He presses a quick kiss to Dan's lips to quiet him and turns back to the film. If Phil's mum walks in now, she'll be able to see them cuddled up together but Phil thinks that maybe it's time he just stop caring about what others think, so he pulls Dan closer.</p><p>"Steady yourself," Dan quips. "Don't want Little Phil getting excited."</p><p>"Shut up." </p><p>Dan laughs.</p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Phil genuinely enjoys the stir fry, despite his mum having had some culinary incidents with wok-based meals in the past. He definitely prefers it to her chicken pies and he ends up going back into the kitchen for seconds, not missing the proud smile that his mum isn't quite skilled enough to hide.</p><p>"So Dan, what do you think?"</p><p>"It's tasty," he tells her. "Thanks."</p><p>"Good to hear," she smiles.</p><p>Phil twists some of the noodles around his fork as he asks, "How was work?"</p><p>"It was alright. Busy," she answers before turning to Dan. "He doesn't always ask that. It's because you're here, he wants to look like the perfect, doting son."</p><p>Dan smirks but Phil sees the flash of something in his eyes and quickly tries to change the subject. Somehow his mum gets there before him.</p><p>"So how have the Welsh lessons been?" she asks Phil.</p><p>"Hard," he replies truthfully. "There are Year 7s better than me."</p><p>Dan chuckles and says, "That's because they're Welsh. They grew up hearing it."</p><p>"Not all of them, and you speak Welsh and you're English!"</p><p>"Well I'm just talented," Dan says cheekily and Phil's mum laughs and gives him an affectionate pat on the shoulder.</p><p>"And modest too," she grins.</p><p>"Diolch yn fawr," Dan replies. Though Phil hasn't mastered the accent himself, he can tell that Dan's is very good; he sounds perfectly Welsh.</p><p>"Diolch," his mum repeats. "That's 'thank you', isn't it?"</p><p>Dan nods and grins, "Your mum's quicker than you, Phil."</p><p>"Yes, yes," Phil groans. "Very funny."</p><p>* * *</p><p>Phil lets Dan choose the film they watch after dinner and they end up watching an indie film that only lasts fifty minutes and looks like it was filmed in somebody's back garden but Phil actually finds that the characters grow on him and Dan watches the screen intensely, as though not wishing to miss a single moment of it.</p><p>"That was a good film," Phil comments as the credits start playing.</p><p>Dan nods, silent.</p><p>"Maybe we should start getting ready for bed," Phil suggest, checking the time. "It's only nine but I'd rather get into some pajamas."</p><p>"Alright," Dan gets up and heads over to his overnight bag. He unzips his jeans and uses his feet to pull them off until he can step out of them.</p><p>Dan is tugging his t-shirt off his head when Phil mumbles, "Maybe I should go get changed in the bathroom."</p><p>Dan barks out a short, exasperated laugh and says, "It's not like you haven't seen me in less. I'm keeping my underwear on."</p><p>"Yeah, but still—"</p><p>"What is it that you think is going to happen? Is my body that hot that you can't even look at me without wanting to jump my bones? Really? I'm almost touched."</p><p>"It's not that," Phil objects. "It's just...you're the first person to sleep over who I'm like...dating. This is kind of the first time for everything on the relationship front. Like, you've met my mum and had dinner over here and I just want to do this right. I don't want to fuck this up."</p><p>Dan stares at him for a few seconds, the light of the bedside lamp reflecting off his dark, thoughtful eyes.</p><p>"If anyone is going to fuck this up," Dan says slowly. "It isn't going to be you."</p><p>He gives Phil a small, sad smile and Phil isn't sure how to respond. Sometimes — just during small moments — he feels like he actually sees the real Dan, the Dan beneath all the non-conforming, destructive persona that he creates for himself. Phil thinks, maybe Dan built his own world because he couldn't stand living in the real one anymore; it's easy to pretend that you're untouchable when you don't allow anyone else close. But now Phil's close.</p><p>"Let's get changed," Phil says.</p><p>They change in the same room. Any excitement 'Little Phil' would have been experiencing is non-existent; Phil isn't in the mood. He's just looking forward to sleeping next to Dan again, feeling the warmth of his body close. It's too early to go to sleep but they get into bed and Phil pulls the laptop onto his knee and they put on another Phil — Dark Knight Rises.</p><p>Dan spends most of the film complaining about how the budget for the film is ridiculously high, the anti-hero trope is overused and surely Catwoman should be wearing more practical footwear while Phil laughs at all of Dan's arguments. Eventually Dan quietens down and Phil swears he sees Dan's eyes light up during some of the fight scenes, indicating that perhaps Dan likes the film more than he wants to.</p><p>Phil must fall asleep towards the end of the film — it's not his fault, it's been a long week of school — because Dan not-so-subtly nudges him awake.</p><p>"Wake up," Dan says quietly. "Your mum just knocked on the door and told me she's going to bed now."</p><p>"Why didn't you wake me?"</p><p>"I just did."</p><p>"No," Phil sighs. "When she was here."</p><p>"She told me to just let you sleep," Dan explains. "But I woke you anyway because I didn't know if you wanted to shut down the laptop or whatever."</p><p>"Are you tired enough to sleep?" Phil asks Dan.</p><p>"Probably."</p><p>"I am," Phil mumbles. "I'm gonna' shut the laptop off and then we can sleep."</p><p>After that Dan curls up on the right side of the bed and Phil turns off the bedside lamp, allowing the room to descend into immediate darkness. Phil holds out his arm for Dan to move towards him and they lie together, with just enough distance between them that Phil isn't worried about breaking the number one rule of their sleepover.</p><p>Dan falls asleep quickly and Phil is left listening to the sound of his deep, comfortable breathing, feeling oddly awake.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p>"So you're sleeping over at Dan's tonight?" Phil's mum asks just before he's leaving.</p><p>"Yep," he nods, hauling his overnight bag over his shoulder. </p><p>Dan's waiting just outside, after politely thanking Phil's mum for her hospitality — Phil thought it sounded just a tad too Edwardian but Dan being polite is never a bad thing.</p><p>"And you remember what I told you," Phil's mum calls from where she's loading the dishwasher. "Be safe."</p><p>Phil only just holds back a groan. "Yes, mum."</p><p>"Good boy," she walks over to kiss his forehead, casually adding, "Have fun."</p><p>Phil can't get out of the house quick enough. Dan raises an eyebrow when Phil comes out of the house, quickly walking along the path without waiting for Dan to match his pace.</p><p>"Everything alright?"</p><p>"If we don't leave quick enough, she'll call me back to give me the safe sex talk all over again."</p><p>Dan laughs. "Jesus. She's thorough, isn't she?"</p><p>"I think the term is 'overbearing'."</p><p>"Then we'd better hurry," Dan smirks.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>"What do you want for dinner?" Dan asks when they arrive at his house. They'd eaten lunch at Phil's house with his mum</p><p>Phil returns, "What have you got?"</p><p>He leaves his overnight bag in the hallway, almost feeling a sense of déjà vu from when Dan had done the exact same the day before, in Phil's house. </p><p>"Pizza, spaghetti, bread," Dan calls from the kitchen. "We might need to eat a lot."</p><p>"Why?" Phil asks, entering the kitchen to scan through the cupboards with Dan.</p><p>"If we're going to fulfill what you owe me tonight, we're going to need all the energy we can get."</p><p>Phil smirks; he hadn't forgotten why they're here tonight.</p><p>"Pizza then."</p><p>He doesn't miss the way Dan eyes him after he replies. It's slow and seductive and Phil can hardly wait.</p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>They literally only just manage to finish dinner — curled up together on the sofa in the lounge — when Phil finally gives in and locks lips with Dan, who eagerly kisses back and starts tugging at the hem of Phil's t-shirt in an attempt to pull it off. Phil's hands reach for Dan's belt and he grapples with the buckle until it finally becomes free. Dan pulls back for breath, his lips swollen and wet.</p><p>"So what is it exactly you have in mind for tonight?" Phil asks.</p><p>"Everything," Dan grins.</p><p>"Everything?"</p><p>"Did I fucking stutter?" Dan blinks then chuckles darkly. "And you are the lucky recipient of everything."</p><p>"I certainly am lucky," Phil nods, pressing a hard kiss to Dan's throat. "And are you ready? For, you know, everything?"</p><p>Dan bluntly answers, "I shaved," and — before Phil can say that that answer wasn't really what he was going for — gets up off the sofa and walks for the door, turning to face Phil.</p><p>"Are you coming?"</p><p>Phil can hardly move quick enough.</p><p>Dan's bedroom is slightly tidier than usual and Phil notices the bottle of lube on the pillow; Dan is definitely prepared. They kiss heatedly on the bed, Phil bracing himself above Dan while Dan unzip's Phil's jeans and prepares to pull them down. Phil is already fully hard, his cock trapped in his boxers and eager to be touched. Dan gropes at Phil's erection through his jeans, pulling out a groan from Phil. Dan's jeans are equally tented and Phil reaches to unbutton them.</p><p>Then Dan pulls away and suggests, "Why don't we just get fucking naked first?"</p><p>He gets up and pulls off his jeans, followed by his t-shirt and then his boxers. Phil does the same then sits down at the end of Dan's bed. The covers feel cold against his skin but he soon forgets when Dan straddles him, trapping Phil's cock just below his own. Phil starts sucking a hickey into Dan's neck, nibbling into the skin enough to leave behind perfect rosy bruises. Dan may be fully shaved but Phil has done some work of his own — he refuses to call it 'manscaping' — and looking down to see Dan's body against his own is making him breathtakingly horny.</p><p>"I want to suck you first."</p><p>Dan is not helping. </p><p>"Okay," Phil nods dazedly, letting Dan push him down on the bed.</p><p>Dan's lips are warm and wet around the head of his cock and his tongue brushes against Phil's slit to collect his precome. It looks so hot that Phil wishes he could just come then and there — but he's not going to let Dan think that he has absolutely no control of his own body. Dan swallows down a few inches of Phil's cock, enthusiastically tightening his lips around to flesh to heighten Phil's pleasure. </p><p>"Jesus," Phil swears.</p><p>Dan slowly pulls off and looks up at Phil with dark, wanting eyes. He licks a line up the length of Phil's cock and then mouths at the head, making small humming vibrations that make Phil's cock twitch. Dan leaves wet kisses along the shaft, precome lingering on his lips. When Dan takes him into his mouth again, Phil's hips buck up, but Dan doesn't pull off, he sinks down further. Phil can feel the tight muscles of Dan's throat working around him and he'd be happy to die here, right now.</p><p>"I'm close," Phil warns him. Dan hums around him in response but doesn't move.</p><p>Phil shoots down Dan's throat only seconds later, his orgasm ripped out of him but the tightness of Dan's mouth. Dan swallows it all down without blinking, still sucking around Phil's sensitive cock.</p><p>"You're fucking amazing," Phil breathes out heavily.</p><p>Dan crawls up onto Phil's chest, grinning like the cat who ate the canary.</p><p>"Want me to return the favour?" Phil asks, gesturing down to Dan's neglected dick.</p><p>"I want you to finger me," Dan replies, his voice smooth as silk like he hadn’t just deep-throated Phil less than a minute before.</p><p> </p><p>“I can do that,” Phil grins.</p><p>Dan climbs over him to grab the bottle of lube and then lies down, legs openly spread like something from a porn magazine; Phil’s painfully-spent cock is already taking interest. Dan hands the bottle to Phil, who leans over Dan as he coats three fingers liberally.</p><p>Before he starts, Phil kisses Dan’s chest, slowly moving down to his stomach. The skin is warm and smooth and the muscles underneath jump out as Phil gently puts pressure on them. Dan is almost vibrating with want; he’s sending Phil a look that definitely means ‘hurry the fuck up’ but Phil is willing to risk Dan’s bitchy mood for some good build-up.</p><p>Phil reaches down and — passing Dan’s hard cock — presses a finger against Dan’s entrance.</p><p>“I shouldn’t be too tight,” Dan tells him with a wicked grin. “I practised. Yesterday before school.”</p><p>Phil finds it hard to blink the image of Dan fingering himself out of his head so he adds a second finger and carefully thrusts them inside and out. Dan pushes back against his fingers eagerly, his muscles quickly relaxing despite the intrusion. Phil still can’t believe that soon he’s going to be inside Dan; his cock is already half-hard.</p><p>“Three fingers,” Dan demands. Phil is quick to comply.</p><p>When Phil adds a third finger, he curves them just enough to press against Dan’s prostate; Dan practically keens, toes curling into the covers. Dan looks vulnerable like this, but undeniably beautiful. Phil bends down low enough that he can kiss the inside of Dan’s thigh, lips dancing over the soft, shaved skin.</p><p>“You need to fuck me,” Dan chokes out. “Now.”</p><p>Phil doesn’t pull his fingers out just yet; he wants to make sure there’s no chance that Dan isn’t stretched enough. Phil isn’t easy to take — considering his size — and he’s not going to let Dan remember their first time as something painful, even if neither of them are virgins anymore. Phil stretches Dan for a minute longer before Dan physically removes his fingers.</p><p>“Fuck me,” Dan demands, chest panting and forehead glossy with sweat.</p><p>Phil feels smug with how needy Dan is but insists, “Get under the covers first.”</p><p>“Typical me to end up with a fucking romantic,” Dan mutters bitterly, but clambers under the covers with shaky limbs.</p><p>Phil follows after him and places his knees between Dan’s spread legs, smoothing his hands down Dan’s thighs. Dan takes a firm grip of Phil’s half-hard dick and strokes it to full erection, tightening his grip to quicken the process. Phil is panting when Dan finally reaches to his bedside table and digs a box of condoms from the drawer. Phil puts the condom on himself, repeating the actions from every safe sex practical he’s ever been forced through in school. Once he’s done, it’s Dan who reaches for Phil’s cock and presses the head against his entrance.</p><p>The pressure is unbelievable; Phil feels like all of his nerves have been set on fire. The ecstasy running through his veins at just the purefeeling of being inside Dan is almost too much. Dan’s eyes are closed and he’s breathing hard but his erection hasn’t flagged; Phil is glad he took extra time to prepare him.</p><p>“Are you okay?”</p><p>“You’re so fucking big,” Dan groans, pressing more of Phil’s cock inside.</p><p>“Almost there,” Phil comforts him.</p><p>Once he’s fully seated inside, Phil begins jerking Dan’s erection, his thumb pressing against the slit to make Dan whine. For Dan, the stretch must feel almost too big to bear; Phil can still feel the intense pressure of where their two bodies are joined. Dan’s legs are wrapped around his waist tightly.</p><p>“You need to move,” Dan groans. “Come on, fuck me.”</p><p>Phil pulls out halfway and thrusts back inside, aiming slightly upwards so that he hits Dan’s prostate. He keeps a steady rhythm on Dan’s cock as he repeats the motion, hips cocking with each thrust. The duvet against his back is beginning to rub against Phil’s back, despite the sweat that thinly coats almost all of his skin.</p><p>Dan suddenly wraps his arms around Phil’s neck and pulls him down for a deep kiss. Phil licks into Dan’s mouth, his breath coming hot and heavy. Dan welcomes the depth of the kiss and moans as Phil hits his prostate again. Dan is looser now and the pressure is more comfortable for both of them.</p><p>“You’re a good fuck,” Dan mumbles between moans.</p><p>Phil wants to say “Thank you,” but he isn’t sure if now is really the time for pleasantries, when he’s already inside Dan.</p><p>The reply he eventually gives seconds later is, “So are you.”</p><p>Dan grins then commands, “Faster.”</p><p>Phil quickens his pace and thrusts in again, hitting Dan’s prostate perfectly. His second thrust isn’t as accurate but Dan is still biting his lip and moaning. Dan suddenly reaches down to bat Phil’s hand away from his cock and begins rapidly stroking himself. Dan must be close, Phil deduces.</p><p>“Harder.”</p><p>Phil bites back a comment about Daft Punk and thrusts in harder, almost moving Dan’s body up the bed with the power he’s using. Dan pulls him down for another kiss — this time it has even more tongue. Phil thinks that, if an alien where to look at them now, covered in sweat, writhing together, they would think it was the weirdest, most disgusting form of physical intimacy possible. But in reality, this is the best moment of Phil’s entire life and every inch of his body that collides with Dan feels like it has been run over with a hot, burning flame.</p><p>Phil aims his next thrust perfectly and Dan moans a loud, “I’m gonna’ come,” just as Phil brushes against his prostate. Dan spills over his fist with a desperate whine and hits his head against the pillow. Phil fucks him through his orgasm, kissing Dan’s neck and licking over the hickeys he’d left there earlier.</p><p>“Jesus fucking Christ,” Dan blasphemes, still coming down from his orgasm. “I’ve never come that hard before.”</p><p>Phil is no longer thrusting inside Dan but a part of him desperately wishes he was; his cock is aching to come.</p><p>Dan breaks his thoughts. “What are you doing? You haven’t come yet. Keep going!”</p><p>Phil receives a wicked look from Dan that probably should be illegal because he’s just too hot to handle, but continues thrusting forward. Dan is sensitive whenever Phil brushes his sweet spot so he does his best to avoid it. Dan whimpers slightly but he doesn’t sound pained.</p><p>“Your big fucking cock,” Dan says. “Is the best thing I’ve ever felt.”</p><p>To stop his ego from inflating to the size of the Empire State Building, Phil focuses on the task in hand and thrusts forward again. Dan’s body is no longer reacting to his own but he knows that Dan is courteous enough to wait for him to finish.</p><p>“Oh fuck it,” Dan suddenly sighs. “Pull out.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Just do it!”</p><p>Phil pulls out as quickly as he can whilst still being careful, wary that he may have accidentally hurt Dan. Dan doesn’t look hurt though, and he definitely doesn’t seem hurt when he peels off Phil’s condom and goes to town on Phil’s cock with his mouth.</p><p>“What are you doing?”</p><p>Dan pulls off and gives Phil a withering look. “I’m giving you a blowjob. What does it look like I’m doing?”</p><p>“But why?”</p><p>“It’s not fair that I only I get a mind-blowing orgasm,” Dan explains. “And we both know I’m good with my mouth.” He gives Phil a seductive smile then swallows down Phil’s erection again.</p><p>Which is how Phil ends up getting two mind-blowing blowjobs in the space of an hour.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>It’s nearing Christmas.</p><p>Phil knows this because his school has already started handing out leaflets for those shoebox campaigns – free presents for the poor kids in a country Phil doesn’t even know how to go about pronouncing. He also knows this because his mum has already started trying to drag information out of him.</p><p>“What do you want for Christmas, Phil?” she bluntly asks him as he’s munching through his toast.</p><p>He quickly swallows his mouthful and answers, “I’m not sure. I’m not really that fussed this year.”</p><p>“How about some new clothes?” she suggests. “Or would you rather pick that sort of thing out yourself?”</p><p>“I don’t mind, mum,” Phil sighs, hoping that she’ll change the subject soon enough. “Surprise me.”</p><p>“Okay then,” she smiles, not even slightly discouraged. “What are you getting Dan for Christmas?”</p><p>Phil pauses; the thought hasn’t crossed his mind before now. What would Dan even like?</p><p>“I’m not sure,” Phil replies between bites of toast. “He’s kind of picky. I haven’t really thought about it.”</p><p>“He’s picky?” Phil’s mum sounds slightly surprised, probably because she hasn’t really met the real Dan yet, only the polite one.</p><p>“He’s into certain music,” Phil explains. “And I don’t know what he’d want that he hasn’t already got.”</p><p>“You should have a snoop around his CD rack or something,” his mum grins, obviously revealing some of her own secrets. “I’m sure you’ll think of something he’d like.”</p><p>“I’m not so sure.”</p><p>“You could ask his brother,” she suggests.</p><p>It’s quite a good idea, Phil thinks. He hasn’t seen Butcher since Parents’ Evening – when everything was tense between Phil and Dan – but he still wants to find out some more information about Dan from Butcher and the guise of trying to guess a good Christmas present is a good one.</p><p>“Yeah,” Phil nods, feeling slightly inspired. “I’ll go to his shop after school. Thanks mum.”</p><p>“You’re welcome, honey,” she kisses the top of his head before adding, “Speaking of school, you better get going. Only three weeks left until the holidays!”</p><p>Phil hadn’t realised that the holidays were so close, despite the gradually worsening weather. He grabs a pair of gloves and a scarf before leaving for school. The air outside his front door feels cold enough for it to snow. Phil almost hopes it does, if only to relieve him from staring at the plain grey pavement every morning.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>“Phil!” Butcher greets him warmly from behind the counter. “Is Dan not with you?”</p><p>“Sorry, no,” Phil replies, pulling off his gloves. “Actually, I came here to ask you about him.”</p><p>“Look mate,” Butcher says, his voice laced with sympathy. “If it’s about the family thing, you’ve just gotta’ wait for Dan to tell you about it. You know how he is, he gets all–”</p><p>“No, no,” Phil interjects. “Not about that. About Christmas, actually.”</p><p>“Christmas?” Butcher sounds relieved despite his confusion.</p><p>“I was wondering what I could get Dan for Christmas,” Phil explains. “What do you think he’d like?”</p><p>“That’s a tricky one,” Butcher smiles. “He’s a pain to buy for these days, what with those special tastes of his.”</p><p>“I know,” Phil nods. “I don’t even know where to start. He likes all these indie bands that I have no clue about.”</p><p>“There are a few things here he might like,” Butcher says, gesturing around the shop. “But I’d try online, Phil. There’s always plenty of stuff if you look online.”</p><p>Phil smiles. “Aren’t you supposed to be encouraging me to buy stuff from here. Good business and all?”</p><p>“Yeah, I suppose,” Butcher grins back. “But I know my brother and I know he doesn’t even come in here these days because there’s rarely anything he’d want to take home with him.”</p><p>“What about other things?” Phil asks. “Like, novelty things?”</p><p>Butcher hesitates, thinking over his answer.</p><p>“Maybe some artists brushes? He’s always painting stuff to add to his walls,” Butcher says. “He doesn’t like me going in there but I always sneak a peek. He’s good. Maybe he’ll want some more paint or something.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Phil nods. “Yeah, thanks. That’s a good idea.”</p><p>Butcher smiles warmly. “Glad to be of help, Philip.”</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>“I am so sick of fucking homework,” is the first thing Dan says to him when he opens the door for Phil to step inside.</p><p>Dan looks tired, his hair mussed sideways and an overly large t-shirt hanging off him. Phil is brandishing a bag of skittles and a box of malteasers – the local shop has an offer on and Phil is never one to turn down buy-one-get-one-free sweets.</p><p>“Which homework is it?” Phil asks as Dan shuts the door behind them.</p><p>“Welsh,” Dan groans. “Who the fuck cares what my hobbies are? Or what I eat for breakfast?”</p><p>“Apparently exam boards.”</p><p>Dan leads him into the lounge, where the coffee table is littered with open textbooks – Phil notices that the pages have been scribbled on, probably by Dan – and sheets of notepaper. It’s the scene of a homework disaster and Phil can understand why Dan is so fed up.</p><p>“I’m glad I’m still in the beginners’ class,” Phil adds.</p><p>“You’re fucking lucky.”</p><p>Dan drops down onto the sofa with a heavy sigh and stares upwards, as though refusing to look down at the mess of paper in front of him. Phil sits down next to him and opens the bag of skittles, holding a handful out for Dan.</p><p>“Come on,” Phil encourages him.</p><p>Dan begrudgingly takes the handful and drops them all into his mouth in one quick movement.</p><p>“I’m guessing I can’t really help,” Phil says. “Seeing as I’m the fucking bottom of the class in Welsh.”</p><p>“Ugh,” Dan groans. “I feel like I need to smoke something.”</p><p>Phil stays silent.</p><p>“Right, pass me the fucking pen.”</p><p>Phil spends the next half an hour encouraging Dan with sweets – as well as other promises he’ll fulfil in the future. Dan writes out most of his essay within the half an hour but Phil notices that he has left the planning section of one particular section blank; the family section.</p><p>“Are you gonna’ fill this section in?” he asks Dan, trying to sound as casual as possible.</p><p>“Probably not,” Dan answers bluntly.</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“You fucking know why not.” Dan’s tone is urging Phil not to press the issue any further.</p><p>“Dan–”</p><p>“Stop pushing me into telling you stuff,” Dan growls. “You are not my fucking therapist and I don’t owe you shit.”</p><p>There’s a long silence before Phil breaks it.</p><p>“You have a therapist?”</p><p>Dan sighs. “It’s a saying.”</p><p>“But you do have a therapist?”</p><p>“Yes I do have a fucking therapist!” Dan snaps. “Now shut the fuck up.”</p><p>Dan picks up his essay and continues writing, scratching out the words he’s spelt incorrectly or no longer likes. Phil watches on, chewing on the last remaining skittles of the bag.</p><p>“I could tell you about my family,” Phil suddenly says. “About my dad. If I did, would you listen.”</p><p>Dan’s eyes are unreadable but, after a time, he nods.</p><p>“You see, my dad, he’s in prison.”</p><p>When Phil looks up at Dan again, Dan’s eyes are soft and questioning. Phil has never told anyone the truth about his dad before. He never told his friends back in Manchester about what was happening, he’d just spin some bullshit story about his parents being separated and dad living down south somewhere.</p><p>Dan suddenly springs up from the sofa and heads out of the lounge.</p><p>“Where are you going?” Phil calls after him.</p><p>Dan returns with a clear plastic bag, holding inside it what looks to be two joints, and a lighter.</p><p>“Oh God,” Phil grimaces. “What the fuck are you doing?”</p><p>“We are smoking some weed and you’re going to tell me everything,” Dan says, sitting back down again. “And then we’re going to smoke some more weed and I’m going to tell you everything.”</p><p>“What if I don’t want to smoke weed right now?”</p><p>“Then I’ll smoke it,” Dan answers, pulling a joint out of the bag and lighting up. “You start talking.”</p><p>“So my dad’s in prison,” Phil begins. “And I’ve never really told anyone this before.”</p><p>Dan nods as he takes a long drag of the joint. Phil watches as he breathes out, the smoke escaping into the room and the sweet smell of weed lingering. It takes him ten seconds before he breaks.</p><p>“Fuck it,” Phil groans. “Pass me the fucking joint.”</p><p>Dan hands it over and Phil breathes it in. He needs the confidence that weed will give him, even if he’s not supposed to be smoking again. Still, Phil reckons that weed has a lot less damaging ingredients than the tar and nicotine in cigarettes. He promised to never pick a cigarette up again and he hasn’t. Technically.</p><p>“So what’s your dad in prison for?”</p><p>“Bear yourself,” Phil says, leaving a suitably long pause before continuing. “Tax evasion.”</p><p>“Tax evasion?” Dan says, sounding just as unimpressed as Phil was when his dad broke the news a year ago.</p><p>“Yep,” Phil nods, taking another drag of the joint. “Isn’t that worth losing your dad over? Fucking tax evasion.”</p><p>Dan sighs and takes the joint from Phil’s fingers.</p><p>“How long has he been in prison?”</p><p>“A year this New Year,” Phil answers. “But he’s got another two years to go.”</p><p>“Three years for tax evasion?”</p><p>“Apparently he did some kind of fraud as well,” Phil says before laughing bitterly. “And you know what the worst part is? I barely saw him anyway. My parents split up when I was thirteen and my dad was always ‘busy’ or ‘working’ and sometimes he’d pick me up on weekends and take me bowling or something because my mum had called him up and made him feel guilty.”</p><p>“That’s shit,” Dan comments, slightly breathless from the joint.</p><p>“Fucking right, it’s shit,” Phil takes the rolled-up joint back from Dan and inhales long and hard.</p><p>“Did your mum know before?” Dan asks. “About the tax evasion?”</p><p>“She had no idea,” Phil answers sadly. “He was never a good husband really but she still wanted him to be a good dad.”</p><p>Dan is silent for a few moments. He looks much less agitated after only ten minutes of smoking and Phil has almost forgotten that he didn’t come here to vent about his problems, no matter how much of a relief it is to actually talk about it.</p><p>“And what about you and your parents?” Phil asks, knowing that, for the first time ever, there is a real chance that Dan might actually answer.</p><p>Dan answers slowly, as though speaking the words is something he’s never done before.</p><p>“My parents are both dead.”</p><p>Phil can see the pain in Dan’s eyes, as well as a flash of guilt. Whatever happened, Dan sees it as his own fault.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Phil murmurs quietly, wishing he sounded more sincere; the high of the weed is making him sound dazed. “How did they die?”</p><p>“In a car crash,” Dan breathes out heavily. “My dad was driving because my mum was too tired and I– I was in the backseat.”</p><p>Phil doesn’t say anything, only waits for Dan to continue talking.</p><p>“And we were having an argument. We were having lots of arguments back then, about me. I wasn’t really a good son. And so we were driving back home from the hospital.”</p><p>Dan looks incredibly ashamed in that moment and Phil shuffles closer to him on the sofa, hoping that Dan won’t clam up.</p><p>“Me and some friends had been at this party and I’d drunk too much and they’d had to come pick me up from the hospital at two in the morning because the doctor didn’t want to pump my stomach and I’d already been on a drip and stuff. And my dad was so angry but my mum just cried because she thought the hospital had been ringing to tell her that I was going to die or something. And I was still kind of drunk and I wasn’t really sure of what was going on until later.”</p><p>Dan takes a deep, shaky breath. He reaches for the joint and Phil hands it over quickly, not wanting to delay Dan continuing the story.</p><p>“And we were driving and my dad was telling me how ashamed he was and I was just angry that the hospital had called my parents and my mum was crying again. And my dad was turning the car out onto a main road and we just didn’t see the other car. It was dark and it didn’t have any lights on. We slid for about five metres and then we got hit by another car on the other side of the road.”</p><p>Dan gives the joint back to Phil and covers his face with his hands. His voice is heavy and choked up now; Phil almost wishes he’d never asked to hear this story.</p><p>“The first car hit my dad’s side and the second hit my mum’s. Both of the front doors had been crushed inwards. I hit my head on the second crash and when I woke up, I was in hospital again and I didn’t really remember much. They had to tell me everything in the hospital.”</p><p>Dan lets out a small, desperate sob which he quickly muffles. It takes him a few deep breaths before he can talk again.</p><p>“After that, I came to live with Aaron. He’s actually my half-brother because my dad was married before. I was born here but my dad moved us out of Wales when I was about seven so I lost the accent. Aaron always kept the accent because he was older and he moved back here when he was older. So I came to live with him.”</p><p>Phil isn’t sure what he should say, if there is any he could say to make this story less awful.</p><p>“Aaron never blamed me for anything,” Dan continues. “But we both know it was my fault. I was thirteen for fuck’s sake. I shouldn’t have even been drinking but I thought I was really cool, I thought I fit in. And if I’d never been drinking, we’d never have been driving home from the hospital and we never would have crashed.”</p><p>Phil quietly says, “You can’t think like that. You don’t know what would have happened.”</p><p>“Don’t make excuses for me.”</p><p>Dan doesn’t sound angry, he just sounds exhausted. The weed doesn’t seem to be doing him much good anymore; it’s taken away all of his energy.</p><p>“There’s more,” Dan says. “To the story.”</p><p>“You can tell me,” Phil assures him.</p><p>“When I moved here, I fucking hated it,” Dan confesses. “I was still messed up after the funeral and I had to go to this therapist but I wouldn’t talk to her, I’d just sit in the room and stay silent the whole time. I was fucking miserable and Aaron tried to help but he didn’t know what to do.”</p><p>The joint is barely holding up anymore but Dan sucks a final breath out of it.</p><p>“And so, last Christmas, I decided I’d try and end it all,” Dan continues. “I took a load of pills but then I got scared and I called up Aaron and he called an ambulance and I had to have my stomach pumped and I was in outpatient care for a while because I was still high-risk. Eventually I got sent back home and I lived in Aaron’s apartment because I couldn’t stand being at home on my own.”</p><p>“I’m so sorry,” Phil whispers before he can stop himself. “Dan, I just–”</p><p>“I’ve never told anyone this before,” Dan breathes out shakily. “I’ve had a different therapist since then and I’m pretty good. Definitely don’t plan on doing anything like that again. I went through all that to realise that dying isn’t really worth it.”</p><p>There’s a long, pregnant silence where their eyes meet and Dan doesn’t drop his gaze.</p><p>“Thank you,” Phil says. “For telling me everything.”</p><p>“You too.”</p><p>Phil wraps his arms around Dan, eager to never let go.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>The next time Phil and Dan have sex, it’s less about raging hormones and the need to just get off and more about the feeling of Dan’s warm skin next to Phil’s and the way his breathing stutters when he wants Phil to hold him closer. Between them, they’ve developed a comfortable layer of intimacy that hangs over them whenever they’re alone together.</p><p>On that night, the night where they’d given out all of their secrets, they had showered together so that Phil wouldn’t smell of weed when he went back home. Phil – whilst always appreciate of the beauty of Dan’s naked form – hadn’t feel much arousal stirring within him, not when they had just confessed everything to each other. Dan had rubbed the shampoo into Phil’s hair carefully, fingers carding through wet locks with a chaste kind of closeness.</p><p>Phil kisses all over Dan’s chest when they have sex – or make love, as he’d rather call it, even if he’s never said that word out loud to Dan. He doesn’t think it’s something either of them really want to hear yet. Despite the buzz of affection between them, Phil doesn’t think that Dan wants to be that serious yet. He’s doubtful whether Dan will ever be ready for a relationship like that, when he’s the boy who burns books on hillsides.</p><p>Dan is asleep when Phil leaves, late at night.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>“Merry Christmas!” Morgan calls out on the last day of term.</p><p>Ffion giggles and adjusts her Santa hat so that it doesn’t fall off her head and into her lunch. Phil sits across from them both, lacking any festive clothing despite it being a non-uniform day. Some teachers are letting them watch Christmas films instead of doing real work but there are always those who insist on continuing revision work on the last lesson of term.</p><p>“What did you ask for, for Christmas?” Morgan asks Phil.</p><p>“I don’t know,” Phil mumbles through a mouthful of parsnip. “Surprises.”</p><p>“Ooh, I love surprises!” Ffion grins. “But I always end up asking mam for something specific because I’m too fussy.”</p><p>Morgan adds, “She’s  ridiculously fussy.”</p><p>“Shut up,” she growls in mock anger, pretending to swat him over the head.</p><p>Phil hears the chair next to him move out and turns to see Dan sitting next to him with a tray of food. Morgan and Ffion send smiles in Dan’s direction and Phil is silently glad that Morgan doesn’t make any effort to ask about his and Dan’s relationship anymore. He’s probably told the whole school by now already.</p><p>“Merry Christmas Daniel,” Ffion greets him kindly.</p><p>“You too.”</p><p>Dan isn’t smiling but he isn’t frowning either; Phil takes that as a good sign.</p><p>“What do you want for Christmas?” Morgan asks Dan. “What did you ask your…Butcher for?”</p><p>Phil wants to duct tape Morgan’s mouth shut. Now that he knows the story behind Dan’s parents and their awful deaths, he doesn’t want anyone to ever come close to even uttering that word again. Dan notices Morgan’s self-correction but his face stays neutral.</p><p>“Money.”</p><p>“Ah, right,” Morgan nods. “Saving up for something?”</p><p>“Driving lessons,” Dan replies.</p><p>Phil lets out a quick breath of air that he didn’t realise he’d been holding. He feels surprised; he didn’t think Dan would be interested in driving or cars, given his past with them. He wants to catch Dan’s eye but Dan won’t look his way.</p><p>Morgan bursts into a long rant about how his parents with only let him take lessons if he cleans his room and Dan still doesn’t make the effort to reach Phil’s eyes.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Phil goes into the village with his mum to shop for Dan on the first Saturday after he’s broken up from school. Dan is busy, or so he said in his texts. Phil doesn’t mind spending time apart from Dan but a part of him doesn’t like not knowing what Dan is thinking or how he’s feeling. Phil doesn’t trust himself to know when it’s safe to leave Dan without company, even if Dan had been completely independent before he met Phil.</p><p>“Want to try this shop?” Phil’s mum interrupts his thoughts. “They might sell brushes and paint.”</p><p>Phil nods and they step inside. There aren’t many shops in the village and Phil is regretting asking his mum if they could drive out to a town with a proper shopping centre. At this rate, they’ll have to do that anyway.</p><p>The shop assistant is immediately at their side and Phil’s mum begins explaining their search for artist’s equipment before Phil can even think of what to say.</p><p>“Just paint and brushes?” the woman smiles. “Or are you interested in charcoal?”</p><p>Both Phil’s mum and the assistant turn to Phil for an answer and he quietly mumbles, “I don’t know. He’s…picky.”</p><p>“Are you buying for your dad?” the woman asks.</p><p>Phil’s mum quickly interjects, “A close friend.”</p><p>He’s glad she didn’t blurt out ‘boyfriend’. Phil’s not ashamed of being gay but he doesn’t particularly want his sexuality being too well-known in a small village like this. No-one has really been homophobic to him so far but Phil doesn’t want to push it.</p><p>“Ah,” she nods. “Does he use watercolours, oil or acrylic?”</p><p>Phil tries to think. He can’t really remember. Perhaps acrylic.</p><p>“Acrylic, I think.”</p><p>“We don’t have a ton of acrylic but I’ll see what I can dig out for you,” she says, smile broadening.</p><p>The assistant comes back with a few different brands of paints of varying prices. Phil is surprised by just how expensive paint can be, considering the amount that’s provided in the tubes. He’ll have to let his mum pick the right brand; she’s better when it comes to money.</p><p>“Does your friend use paper or canvas?”</p><p>“Er,” Phil hesitates. “Paper.”</p><p>“Any chance you know the thickness?” Even the assistant looks doubtful.</p><p>“Sorry,” Phil mumbles.</p><p>“Well, what does he do with the paper?” she asks. “Does he frame it?”</p><p>“He pins it up,” Phil explains. “On his wall.”</p><p>“He–” she suddenly pauses. “Wait. Is your friend Daniel?”</p><p>Phil starts, “How did you–”</p><p>“He comes in a couple of times a month and he always gets the same stuff. Paint, paper and pins. I kept seeing him so I had to ask what he was doing with his work. I dread to think what state his wall is in.”</p><p>“Bless him,” Phil’s mum adds with a smile. “So, could you help us out with what he likes.”</p><p>Phil ends up leaving the shop with what the assistant assured him are all of Dan’s favourite purchases and a few extras he might like. Phil finally feels likes he’s getting something right.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>They’re half-naked on Dan’s bed when Dan asks, “Did you bring condoms?”</p><p>Phil nods and kisses him again, his tongue pressing against Dan’s heatedly. Dan’s skin is warm and smooth under his fingertips and every time Phil grinds against him, Dan bucks up and wraps another limb around him.</p><p>“I got something,” Dan tells him. “Something special.”</p><p>“That sounds kinky,” Phil quips.</p><p>Dan rolls his eyes but reaches under his pillow to pull something out. At first glance, it looks like the average bottle of lube but Phil takes it and reads the label.</p><p>“Deluxe flavoured lube,” Phil muses. “Cherry flavoured.”</p><p>“I told you it was special,” Dan smirks, looking remarkably seductive in his ready-to-be-debauched state.</p><p>“So want do you want me to do with it?” Phil asks.</p><p>“I don’t know, what do you think, Sherlock?”</p><p>Phil leans down to catch the tender skin of Dan’s throat between his teeth and feels a rush of pride when Dan whimpers and bucks into him.</p><p>“You better take your pants off.”</p><p>Dan is completely naked before Phil can get the bottle open.</p><p>“Did you shave again?”</p><p>Dan hums, nodding. “Do you like it?”</p><p>“I love it,” Phil grins smugly.</p><p>He kisses against the tight muscle of Dan’s thighs, relishing how he’s allowed to do this. Dan has always been open about sex but Phil doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to the excitement of having Dan like this; waiting and wanting.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>As Christmas approaches, Phil decides to send Dan the text he’s been rewriting for almost a week now. His mum is insisting he do this. Phil isn’t against seeing more of Dan but he isn’t so sure it’s a good idea.</p><p>Mum is asking if you and Butcher want to come to ours for dinner on Christmas Eve?</p><p>It’s two hours before Phil gets a reply.</p><p>Butcher can’t but I can</p><p>Phil finds it impossible to gauge Dan’s emotion though text; Dan doesn’t let anything slip about what he’s thinking.</p><p>You could come round for lunch too</p><p>The reply comes almost an hour later.</p><p>ok</p><p>Phil knows that Dan’s texting style is minimalistic but he can’t help feeling like he’s done something wrong again.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>A couple of days before Christmas Eve, Phil decides to go round to Dan’s. He doesn’t warn Dan he’s coming but he supposes that Dan won’t mind. Buying a bag of Doritos from the shop round the corner, he has to jog to Dan’s to avoid getting completely soaked in the rain that starts up when he’s only halfway over the hill.</p><p>Dan doesn’t answer the door immediately but when he does, he looks fresh from the shower. His damp hair is curling at the tips as it dries and Phil can feel the warmth radiating from him when he pulls Dan in for a kiss. Dan’s lips are warm, wet and minty from his toothpaste.</p><p>When they break away – Phil is still holding the bag of Doritos and his hoody is uncomfortably damp – Dan says, “Butcher is coming round in a bit.”</p><p>“Oh,” Phil blinks. “I– I can go.”</p><p>“Stay,” Dan tells him. “That way, he’ll leave quicker.”</p><p>Phil follows Dan into the kitchen.</p><p>“Have you done any revision yet?” Phil asks.</p><p>“No,” Dan scoffs. “Have you?”</p><p>“A bit,” Phil nods. “But I’ll probably fail anyway.”</p><p>Dan smirks and Phil wishes he could kiss him again. However if they start kissing, Phil probably won’t be able to stop, and he doesn’t really want Butcher to see how much kissing Dan turns him on. Letting your boyfriend’s brother see the tent in yours pants, Phil thinks, is definitely a no-no.</p><p>“Pass me the bag,” Dan gestures to the Doritos and Phil hands them over so that Dan can empty them into a bowl.</p><p>Dan scours the fridge to pull out a jar of mild salsa, something he seems quite surprised to see he has. It’s still in date and Phil is happy to dip the Doritos into it.</p><p>“How’s Aaron?” Phil asks, attempting small talk. He only just stops himself from saying ‘Butcher’.</p><p>“Good.”</p><p>Dan, Phil has decided, is absolutely shit at small talk.</p><p>“What are you guys doing for Christmas Day?”</p><p>“We’re going to his grandparents,” Dan answers reluctantly.</p><p>Phil tries not to notice how Dan says ‘his grandparents’. He knows now that Butcher is Dan’s half-brother, but Dan obviously doesn’t count Butcher’s family as his own. He can imagine Dan isn’t that close with the rest of his family, given how isolated he is. Butcher seems to be the only person who takes care of Dan.</p><p>“Sounds nice,” Phil comments, dipping into the salsa again.</p><p>“It’s not.”</p><p>“Oh,” Phil struggles to find a response until it hits him; there’s no need to pretend they’re strangers anymore. “Well, you can tell me about it.”</p><p>Dan scoffs. “You don’t want to know.”</p><p>“I do,” Phil persists. “So tell me. You know I’m not going to judge you. We told each other everything about our…parents. So tell me about this.”</p><p>Dan looks slightly surprised but Phil is glad to see that Dan isn’t turning away from him, isn’t walking away and shutting the rest of the world out. Dan sighs but he doesn’t look annoyed; he just looks tired.</p><p>"They've never really forgiven me," Dan says quietly. "For the accident. For everything."</p><p>All Phil can say is, "You can't blame yourself."</p><p>"Even if it's my fault?"</p><p>"Accidents happen."</p><p>"The accident never would have happened if–"</p><p>Phil interrupts, "You can't think like that. Anything could have happened."</p><p>"Why are you defending me?"</p><p>"I'm not defending you, I'm just saying the truth. You were just a kid. We're both still kids."</p><p>"Tell my grandparents that."</p><p>"They're wrong," Phil blurts out. "To blame you."</p><p>There's a long silence where Dan won't meet his eye. Phil is beginning to feel used to this now, the way Dan shuts him out. Dan has been open to him up until now but there's always a limit. Phil can only push Dan so far. Before Phil can say something to change the conversation, Dan surprises him by speaking.</p><p>"Thank you."</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>On Christmas Eve, Dan arrives just before lunch. Phil’s mum has had their meals planned out for the whole week before Christmas Day so that she won’t have to think too much about shopping. She still hasn’t given Phil any hints about the ‘surprises’ he’s asked for, though he’s a little glad for that.</p><p>They bought the tree the day before, because Phil’s mum insisted that they had to buy the tree closer to Christmas, and as a result they ended up with a tree that leans quite a bit to the left and leaves needles all over the carpet. Phil did most of the decorating while his mum fussed over which Christmas CD to play and untangled the lights for the tree.</p><p>Dan’s presents are under the tree, wrapped and ready. Phil will admit that his mum did most of the wrapping; he doesn’t quite have the same gift with flimsy paper and sellotape that she does. At least he put thought into the presents, even if he didn’t wrap them.</p><p>“Merry Christmas,” Phil’s mum calls, pulling Dan into a hug the second he’s through the door.</p><p>Phil panics slightly, anxious as to how Dan is going to take his mum’s over-affectionate nature but Dan acts like the perfect gentleman, repeating her greeting with a smile before pulling away as quickly possible.</p><p>“It’s a shame your brother couldn’t come,” Phil’s mum says, smile dropping slightly. “We had a great conversation about old 80s music just the other day. I was in his shop, doing some Christmas shopping and– mind, I probably shouldn’t say anything in front of Phil.”</p><p>Phil feels a smile pull at his lips; he’d already guessed that his mum had probably scouted out the best of Butcher’s shop whilst shopping for his Christmas presents. Phil had done the same. He had also asked Butcher what his mum had talked about so that he could buy her the CDs of some of her favourite 80s pop icons. Butcher, Phil decides, is probably the saint of Christmas present ideas.</p><p>“Are you excited for Christmas, Dan?”</p><p>“Excited for the food,” Dan tells her.</p><p>When Phil glances back to Dan, he notices that Dan is clutching a shopping bag in one hand, presumably holding some kind of present. In the rush of trying to find good presents for Dan, Phil had forgotten that Dan might be buying presents for him too. Dan sets the bag down on the floor as Phil gestures for him to sit down on the sofa.</p><p>“Do you and Butcher cook?” Phil’s mum asks brightly.</p><p>“Er, no. We’re visiting grandparents.”</p><p>Phil can see Dan trying his best to maintain a smile, for his mum’s sake. Dan probably doesn’t want to discuss anyone of this now and Phil prepares to intervene but luckily his mum does it for him.</p><p>“That’s nice,” she smiles. “Now, do you boys want to eat lunch upstairs? I made some soup. It’s a new recipe!”</p><p>“What type of soup is it?”</p><p>“Leek and potato,” she beams. “It’s completely vegetarian.”</p><p>“Thank you,” Dan returns her smile. “It sounds great.”</p><p>Phil and Dan take two bowls of soup upstairs – along with napkins and two buttered rolls that Phil’s mum insisted they take with them – and watch a film on the laptop whilst they eat. The soup is actually quite nice, despite it being his mum’s first ever attempt at making soup.</p><p>“Your mum is really nice,” Dan says quietly.</p><p>“Yeah,” Phil nods. “I think I’m lucky to have her.”</p><p>“You are.”</p><p>Phil nods again and dips his roll into the soup, letting the bread soak up the liquid. The film playing is Napoleon Dynamite. Phil’s seen it before but it was a long time ago; he can appreciate a lot more of the jokes now that he’s older.</p><p>“Can I ask you something?”</p><p>Phil is slightly taken aback by Dan’s request but tries not to show it. Dan is usually so blunt that it’s strange to hear him being so meek and anxious.</p><p>“Go for it,” Phil answers.</p><p>“Why do you like me?”</p><p>Phil stares at him for a few seconds. The question isn’t one that begs a fervent kind of reassurance to placate someone attention-seeking; it’s honest and open and Phil’s pretty sure he’s only ever seen this expression of Dan’s once before.</p><p>“What?” is all Phil can get out.</p><p>“I mean, there’s no reason for you to like me,” Dan says uneasily. “Other than sex, but if that’s all you wanted, you wouldn’t have asked for me to be your boyfriend. What are you getting out of this? I’m rude and blunt and I don’t give a shit about other people’s feelings and I don’t even talk to any of your friends.”</p><p>“You’re not–”</p><p>“No, I am,” Dan interrupts, sounding frustrated. “We both know that I am all of these things, let’s not pretend. So why the fuck are you interested?”</p><p>It probably shouldn’t take Phil two minutes to come up with an answer, but it does. During that time, Dan just stares down at his soup bowl and plays around with the spoon whilst Phil’s brain starts conjuring up a thousand answers to Dan’s question.</p><p>“Because I like you,” Phil eventually says. “You’re not like anyone else. When I first met you, you were cold and distant and you told me to fuck off but I didn’t mind that, because you weren’t pretending to be anything else. You always have an opinion on everything and you could argue for England and you’re one of the most stubborn people I’ve ever met.</p><p>“But the more people told me about you, the more interesting I found you. You act like you couldn’t give a shit about what anyone thinks but I know you do and I know that you’re afraid of opening up to people because you think they’re going to leave you. But I’m not going to leave you.”</p><p>Dan is silent but his dark eyes are wide and pensive.</p><p>Phil continues, “I don’t want you to be anyone else. I only want you.”</p><p>There’s another long silence and Phil’s beginning to think that he should start timing them.</p><p>“Is that the answer you wanted?” Phil asks.</p><p>“I don’t know.” It’s an honest answer but Phil doesn’t like the ambiguity of it.</p><p>“In the beginning, you didn’t want a relationship, right?” Phil starts. “But you changed your mind. So what was it about me that changed your mind?”</p><p>To see Dan looking vulnerable is something Phil never wants to repeat. His shoulders are hung low, his eyes staring down at the cooling soup once again. Phil finds himself fidgeting with his hands, a nervous habit he’s never been able to get rid of.</p><p>“You didn’t care what they thought about you,” Dan finally answers. “For being with me.”</p><p>“That’s because they don’t matter.”</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>“Have you shaved?” Dan asks when he pulls down Phil’s boxers.</p><p>The radiators are on high in Dan’s bedroom so Phil is already warm but he feels a blush creep across his cheeks. Hopefully Dan might dismiss it his pink cheeks as the result of the hot air in the room.</p><p>“No,” Phil is quick to reply. “Well, I didn’t shave but I did some–”</p><p>“Manscaping?” Dan smirks.</p><p>“No, I just tidied up a bit.”</p><p>“A lot by the look of it.”</p><p>Phil retorts, “You started this! You were the first one to shave everything. This is your fault.”</p><p>“I’m not complaining, Phil,” Dan’s smile broadens. “I like it. It’s very porn-star-esque.”</p><p>“Says you.”</p><p>“I’d make a brilliant porn star,” Dan teases.</p><p>Phil can’t help but agree with that; sex is one area where Dan is a pro.</p><p>“Are we just going to talk about sex or can we actually get on with it?”</p><p>Dan rolls his eyes. “I didn’t realise it was such a chore.”</p><p>“It’s not,” Phil blinks. “I just don’t want to think about you having sex with other people, you know.”</p><p>“Does it make you jealous?”</p><p>“Very.” Phil presses a hard, deliberate kiss into the hollow of Dan’s collarbone.</p><p>“Then let’s get started,” Dan says smugly, reaching for the lube and condoms. “We’re going to have to get new condoms soon.”</p><p>“It’s your turn,” Phil grins. “I got the first box.”</p><p>“But didn’t your mum give those to you?”</p><p>“Maybe.”</p><p>Dan smirks. “So maybe you should buy them this time.”</p><p>“Or you could.”</p><p>Dan lets out a sigh of mock annoyance and suggests, “How about we both pay half, and take it in turns on who has to go into the pharmacy and humiliate themselves buying condoms from an eighty-year-old pharmacist.”</p><p>“She’s eighty?”</p><p>“But luckily as blind as a bat,” Dan replies. “I don’t think she even realised what I was holding when I bought the cherry lube.”</p><p>Phil almost choked on his own saliva.“I don’t think I’m ready for this kind of humiliation.”</p><p>“It’s not her you have to worry about,” Dan continues regardless. “It’s all the middle-aged perverts hanging around the condom aisle, giving you the evils because you’re getting so much more sex than them.”</p><p>“I think you’re putting too much thought into it–”</p><p>“And the mothers in the maternity section right next to it who keep looking at you because they don’t think you should be having sex. Fucking hypocrites.”</p><p>“Dan, if we don’t hurry up, my dick is going to lose interest.”</p><p>Dan pauses and gives Phil a wicked smile. “Is Little Phil getting bored?”</p><p>“Please never call him that,” Phil mutters before quickly correcting himself. “It that.”</p><p>“I better get to work then.”</p><p>Dan takes hold of Phil’s flagging erection and gives it a few tugs. Phil’s hips buck upwards from the bed; he’s almost embarrassed by how he can’t control himself around Dan. Dan leans down to tongue the head of his cock, teasing Phil before he licks a long line down the length, his chin resting on Phil’s thigh.</p><p>“Pass me the lube,” he tells Phil, who quickly obeys.</p><p>Dan sits up again and squeezes a fair amount of the cherry-flavoured lube into his palm before wrapping it around Phil’s cock, twisting his hand to cover all of Phil’s skin. Phil moans as Dan tightens his grip.</p><p>“I’ve got an idea,” Phil says.</p><p>“Yes?” Dan sounds pleasantly surprised.</p><p>“It involves me fingering you and you sucking me off.”</p><p>“Sounds good,” Dan nods. “But unless  one of us has recently become a member of the Chinese Circus, it means that you want us to do The 69.”</p><p>Phil bites his lips and says, “If you want to.”</p><p>“I’d love to.”</p><p>Dan strips down so that they’re both naked. They’re completely comfortable with each other’s bodies now, Phil thinks. He knows which parts of Dan to tease and Dan always seems to find a way to make Phil lose his mind. Most of the time he forgets to feel embarrassed about someone else seeing him naked, seeing how he looks when he comes.</p><p>“I’ll go on top,” Dan says, straddling Phil’s chest whilst facing his cock.</p><p>Phil’s not going to lie; he is getting an absolutely perfect view of Dan’s behind and regrets how long it took him to suggest this. He feels Dan’s lips close around the tip of his erection and quickly lubes up three fingers and presses the first against the tight muscle of Dan’s hole. Dan’s lips slip down his cock as Phil’s finger reaches the first knuckle inside Dan.</p><p>“You’re still tight,” he finds himself blurting out.</p><p>Dan hums around his cock and then pulls off to teasingly reply, “Apparently your dick still isn’t big enough.”</p><p>“We’ll see about that,” Phil replies with a mock glare.</p><p>Once Dan’s muscles have relaxed enough, Phil thrusts a finger in and out of Dan, stretching the other boy with expert practise. With his other hand, he caresses the smooth curve of Dan’s arse. Every inch of skin has been shaven but Phil can see a small patch of redness where the razor has irritated the skin. Unable to stop himself, he lifts his head high enough to kiss it. Dan makes a surprised sound but continues sucking Phil, his tongue hotly pressing against the vein running up Phil’s length.</p><p>Phil adds a second finger, increasing the stretch, and angles the two digits just enough so that they’ll press again Dan’s sweet spot. Dan keens, mouth still stretched around Phil’s erection.</p><p> “You like that?” Phil asks, his other rubbing circles into Dan’s soft flesh.</p><p>Dan’s muscles loosen around the two fingers and Phil begins to mercilessly aim for Dan’s prostate, causing the other boy to whine and buck back against his hand. The vibrations of Dan’s moans against the skin of Phil’s cock are incredible. Sparks of pleasure are catalysing in the depth of Phil’s stomach and he can feel his balls tightening as his orgasm begins to approach.</p><p> “I’m close,” Phil warns.</p><p>Dan pulls off. “Me too.”</p><p>“You need a bit longer–”</p><p>Before Phil can finish, Dan moves away so that Phil’s fingers slip out of him. In one swift motion, Dan turns and straddles his chest in the other direction, facing Phil. His damp hair is stuck to his forehead and he looks a little flushed, stirring something inside Phil.</p><p>“I’m ready,” Dan tells him.</p><p>Phil’s learnt to stop asking. He reaches for a condom, which Dan takes from him. He climbs off Phil’s chest and gives Phil’s cock a final tug before carefully opening the condom and slipping it over the length.</p><p>No matter how much they have sex, Phil always feel the same intense pressure whenever he enters Dan. This time, Dan is riding him; Dan likes to be in control and Phil won’t deny that it’s pretty fucking sexy. Dan slowly drops himself down into Phil’s lap, giving himself enough time to get used to the stretch. Phil always watches his face carefully for any signs of discomfort or pain but Dan determined expression never wavers.</p><p>“How the fuck are you even this big,” Dan mutters. “Jesus fucking Christ.”</p><p>“You’ve never complained until now,” Phil jokes. Secretly, he’s a lot more self-conscious about it.</p><p>“It’s not a bad thing,” Dan objects. “Just a big thing.”</p><p>Once Dan is fully seated in his lap, Phil takes a hold of his cock and starts a slow, deliberate rhythm. Dan uses his knees to push off Phil’s cock and quickly thrusts down again, matching Phil’s pace. They move well together now; Phil knows what to expect from Dan and what’s expected from him.</p><p>Phil attaches their lips, running his free hand through Dan’s hair. Phil presses his tongue against Dan’s as he thrusts upwards in time with Dan. Whenever Phil’s cock brushes against Dan prostate, Phil can feel the twitch of Dan’s cock in his hand.</p><p>They come only seconds apart; Dan cries out and goes still as Phil thrusts up a few more times before spilling into the condom. Pulling out always causes Dan to whimper, his prostate becoming sensitive once his orgasm has passed. Phil feels blissed out and boneless as Dan collapses on the bed beside him. He takes care of the condom as quickly as possible before returning to Dan, allowing the other boy to curl up against him.</p><p>Sleep comes easily.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>On Boxing Day, Phil and his mum spend the day on the sofa watching old Christmas films and scoffing down chocolate. Phil actually finds it quite relaxing to be in his mum’s company when they’re just lazing around the house. She’s only got another day off work but she seems to already have an idea of what they could do.</p><p>“Your dad phoned the other night,” she tells Phil.</p><p>Phil’s dad is still a sore subject between them. Phil hasn’t ever visited him in prison; he refuses to. Going to see his dad while he’s still locked up means accepting that his dad is a criminal, and Phil still isn’t ready to do that. It’s easier for him just to pretend that his parents are separated and Phil’s dad lives too far away to visit. It’s not even that far from the truth.</p><p>“He wants you to come and visit,” Phil’s mum continues. “But he says it’s your choice. He won’t be angry at you if you don’t go.”</p><p>Phil finds it hard to comprehend how his mum isn’t angry at his dad for everything he’s put her through. After he was discovered for tax evasion and fraud, the evidence against him could have dragged her down with him. He had protected her in court, assuring the prosecutor that Phil’s mum had no clue what was going on. Phil’s mum had said it was “good of him”, Phil thought it was the least he could do for her.</p><p>“I don’t want to see him.”</p><p>She gives him a sympathetic smile. “I know. But Phil, he’s your dad.”</p><p>Phil almost wants to ask her why that should change anything but he knows he shouldn’t take it out on his mum; it wouldn’t be fair.</p><p>“If I do go, I have a condition.”</p><p>“Which is?” She sounds vaguely hopeful.</p><p>“I’ll visit him once, and then I never want to see him again.”</p><p>Phil’s mum looks shocked, eyes widened as she considers his words. The word “never” had felt heavy on Phil’s tongue when he spoke it; there’s something dangerous about “never”.</p><p>“If that’s how you feel,” she eventually says. “We’ll do whatever you want.”</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>“How was your Christmas?” Phil asks when he sees Dan again a week later, on New Year’s Eve.</p><p>“Pretty shit.”</p><p>At least he’s being honest, Phil thinks. They’re sat in Phil’s living room watching reruns of some American sitcom. Some of the jokes are funny but Phil is pretty sure they’re using laugh tracks, since half of the short bursts of laughter coming from the TV sound exactly the same.</p><p>“Morgan invited me – and you – to a New Year’s Eve party tonight, if you want to go,” he tells Dan. “I know you don’t like parties but, knowing Morgan, it’s probably just going to be people from school sat around eating chocolate.”</p><p>Dan doesn’t quite look at him but his voice is even when he answers, “I’ll give it a miss. You can go if you want.”</p><p>“I wouldn’t go without you,” Phil scoffs, keeping his tone light. “It’s probably going to be shit anyway.”</p><p>Dan nods, eyes fixed on the TV. He seems to be following the program, grunting a laugh at certain jokes, but Phil can’t escape the feeling that something could be wrong.</p><p>“Do you want something to eat?”</p><p>Dan shakes his head.</p><p>“Do you want to put a film on?”</p><p>“This is okay,” Dan answers shortly.</p><p>“Dan,” Phil sighs, scratching at a non-existent itch on his arm.</p><p>“Phil,” Dan returns mockingly, his lips stretched into a smirk.</p><p>Phil rolls his eyes and says, “Look, if there’s something up, you don’t have to keep–”</p><p>“Do you ever stop thinking?” Dan interrupts. “Sometimes I’m just not hungry. Sometimes I just want to watch shit TV shows. Stop thinking too much into it.”</p><p>“So you’re fine?”</p><p>Dan laughs. “You’re paranoid.”</p><p>“Sorry for caring,” Phil bites, but there’s no venom in his voice; he’s honestly glad that Dan is alright.</p><p>“I like that you care,” Dan says, chewing his bottom lip. “But you don’t always have to look after me.”</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Later that night, they go up to Dan’s spot on the cliffs. It’s freezing and Phil is wearing his thickest winter coat, as well as a scarf, hat and gloves. Phil’s mum isn’t ecstatic about them leaving late at night but they’d told her they’re going to watch the fireworks from the village.</p><p>“We should make a fire,” Phil suggests as they trudge up the hill. The ground is dry but frosty and hard under their feet.</p><p>“Have you got any books handy?” Dan quips.</p><p>It’s probably the first joke Dan’s made about his book-burning habits in a while. Saying that, Phil doesn’t think he’s seen Dan burn a book for weeks. He secretly hopes that he’s had something to do with that.</p><p>“We could get some sticks,” Phil says. “Do you have a lighter?”</p><p>Dan nods and pulls the lighter he’s always used out of his hoody pocket. Phil uses the torch on his phone to search for some twigs and dry leaves. The rocks Dan used to burn the books on top of are still in place and, in the space of half an hour, they build up a nice pile of things to burn.</p><p>“How far off is midnight?”</p><p>“Twenty minutes,” Phil answers as he angles the lighter inside the bed of leaves.</p><p>“I’m fucking freezing,” Dan grumbles.</p><p>“Should have put a warmer coat on.”</p><p>Dan growls, “Shut up. You’ve got one and you’re still cold.”</p><p>Phil has to admit that Dan’s got a point there; his fingers are frozen inside his gloves. He doesn’t tell Dan this, of course. He finally gets one of the bigger sticks burning and he and Dan huddle around it, letting the sea wind blow the smoke in the opposite direction. The edge of the cliff is behind them, a lurking danger that Phil’s grown used to. It takes a few minutes for Phil to feel his fingers again but the flames are a comforting warmth against his cheeks.</p><p>“Can anyone in the harbour see us?” Phil asks, suddenly plagued with the worry of being found making a fire on public land.</p><p>“Not through the trees,” Dan replies. “But if they can, no-one will come up here. Everyone’s afraid of the cliffs. Anyway, it’s New Year’s Eve, everyone is making fires.”</p><p>Suddenly there’s a loud whine and something bright shoots straight up into sky above the village. After a few seconds, it pops and crackles and bursts of light break out into the air. Phil is transfixed by the light, watching it dissolve into the darkness of the winter night. Dan’s hand slips into his, the fabric of the gloves they’re both wearing preventing Phil from feeling Dan’s soft skin.</p><p>“What time is it?” Dan questions him. “Isn’t it too early?”</p><p>Dan checks the time on his phone. “Five minutes. Someone was probably doing a test run.”</p><p>“Right,” Dan nods.</p><p>“How many people use fireworks in this village?” Phil asks curiously.</p><p>“Everyone.”</p><p>“Everyone but not you?”</p><p>“Every family,” Dan corrects. “Butcher is setting some off tonight.”</p><p>Phil hesitates before asking, “Wouldn’t you rather be with him tonight? I mean, rather than sitting up here with me.”</p><p>Dan huffs a sigh and says, “I thought I was the one with self-worth issues. I’m here because I want to be.”</p><p>Phil feels a smile pull at his lips. “Me too.”</p><p>A few minutes later, the sky explodes into light at the first few fireworks, all setting off from different houses. The noise is loud and deafening but Phil feels excitement building up inside him as shrieking rockets blast into the night. Dan’s grip is tight on his hand and they sit close, the fire bringing a blush to their cheeks. The dazzling lights leave imprints on Phil’s eyes whenever he blinks but he keeps watching the fireworks until every last one fades out.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>The first day back at school is always depressing, especially when they have exams.</p><p>Phil keeps his gaze steady on the paper in front of him, wondering why on earth it’s essential for teenagers to be tested on subjects like osmosis when half the people his age have no idea how to cook pasta. The education system is pretty fucked up, Phil thinks.</p><p>He’s only glimpsed Dan once today but they’ll walk home together later. Morgan is an ever-enthusiastic presence before going into the exam, asking Phil all about what he got for Christmas and how was his New Year – seeming to forget that Phil hadn’t turned up to his party – and how did he thinks the exam is going to go.</p><p>As it turns out, the exam is going agonisingly slow.</p><p>Phil is regretting the day he decided to do Triple Science instead of Core, seeing as he’s only halfway through the biology exam and can’t remember a single thing about evolution theories. Chemistry is going to be horrific, that he’s sure of. Physics is manageable when you can use information in one question to solve another – something examiners don’t seem to have realised yet.</p><p>Once the exam is over and the papers are given in, Phil almost jumps out of his seat in his eagerness to leave. Lester isn’t too far along alphabetically so he’s within the first half to leave. Dan’s line is just before his own and Phil watches carefully as Dan strides across to the side of the room to grab his bag and leave.</p><p>Phil hasn’t failed the exam, or at least he doesn’t think he has, but he’s not going to come out with a great grade. He can live with that.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>“How did it go?” Phil asks Dan later.</p><p>“Alright.”</p><p>They’ve spent some time apart between New Year’s Eve and getting ready for school – and exams – and Phil’s missed Dan more than he expected to. They’ve both had their hair cut shorter in the last week and Phil’s noticed that Dan doesn’t use his straighteners every day like he used to. Phil’s glad of that; Dan’s hair is always much softer when it’s left in its natural curly state.</p><p>“Your house or mine?”</p><p>“Mine?” Dan suggests. “Butcher brought a load of food the other day.”</p><p>It’s habit now for them to spend at least a few nights a week together. Phil’s mum is surprisingly cool about it; she barely ever asks if he’s going to Dan’s anymore, just assumes.</p><p>“Sure,” Phil nods. “How’s the painting been going?”</p><p>Dan had definitely enjoyed his Christmas presents, and Phil had been there when he first started using them. They’d been in Dan’s bedroom, just before Christmas Eve, and Dan had gotten a large sheet of paper and painted the page a dark indigo. He’d carefully gone over the indigo with shades of pink, purple and pale green before dotting it with white and gold specks. It had taken Phil half an hour for him to realise that Dan was painting a nebula, complete with a myriad of swirling, colourful clouds and tiny blinking stars.</p><p>Dan had given it to him later; it’s now pinned up on the wall of Phil’s bedroom.</p><p>“Good, thanks,” Dan answers. “I’ve done some new stuff, if you want to see it.”</p><p>Phil nods.</p><p>Dan had given him two Christmas present; a Wirrow poster and a signed copy of Fight Club. Phil didn’t want to think about how much the book was worth but he had promised to read it and now he had no excuse. The Wirrow poster was a nice surprise, considering Phil had only mentioned liking the artist a few times.</p><p>“Have you started reading yet?” Dan asks, reading his mind.</p><p>“Yes,” Phil replies, because he genuinely has. He’s about halfway through and he’s finding it a quick read, despite the fact that he has to re-read a lot of the paragraphs to understand them.</p><p>“What do you think?”</p><p>“It’s a lot more vague than the film,” Phil answers. “But I like it.”</p><p>Phil just about glimpses the smile that Dan tries to hide. Sometime there’s still a lingering distance between them but Phil knows what Dan is truly like now; he knows the boy behind the burning books, behind the façade that Dan’s created for himself.</p><p>After a significant lull in the conversation, Phil tells Dan, “I’m going to see my dad next week.”</p><p>Dan looks surprised. “I thought you didn’t want to see him?”</p><p>“I don’t,” Phil sighs. “I made a deal with my mum. If I visit him once, I won’t ever do it again.”</p><p>There’s a short silence before Dan remarks, “Never is a big word.”</p><p>It’s surprisingly perceptive, coming from Dan.</p><p>“So is prison.”</p><p>Dan raises an eyebrow and asks, “Do you think your dad will be happy to see you?”</p><p>The question catches Phil slightly off guard. “I don’t know. Maybe.”</p><p>“But isn’t that why you haven’t been to see him? You refusing to see him was your ‘fuck-you’ to him.”</p><p>“No it wasn’t,” Phil frowns. “I didn’t go to see him because I didn’t want to get involved in his…mess. He managed to fuck everything up by himself.”</p><p>“Then why are you going now?”</p><p>“For my mum.” Phil knows the words aren’t really true, not anymore.</p><p>“Are you going to tell your dad that it’s the last time you’ll see him?”</p><p>“Probably not,” Phil mumbles.</p><p>“And you think that’s fair?”</p><p>Phil doesn’t know to answer; he’s left wondering when Dan became a fucking guru because he’s never been this shrewd before now. Dan’s showing him up here and Phil doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like thinking about the fact that he could be wrong.</p><p>“You don’t think it’s fair?” he asks Dan.</p><p>“What I think doesn’t matter,” Dan answers, eyes locked on Phil’s. “But he’s your dad. You only get one.”</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>“Ready?” Phil’s mum asks as they near the building.</p><p>No, Phil is not ready. He wishes he’d never gotten into the car. He doesn’t want to be here anymore. The prison is just like he expected it to be; drab, ugly and isolated. His dad has been here for a year now and Phil wonders if he’s gone mad from how dull the place looks.</p><p>Phil’s mum brushes a stray strand of hair back as she says, “Now or never, Phil.”</p><p>He finds his feet working for him and they’re escorted into the building, through to a room where tables are set out neatly. Some of the tables are full of people, greeting each other carefully and not getting too close and some seat only one person. Phil spots his dad the moment they step into the room and immediately wishes he could step out again before his dad notices they’re here.</p><p>Unfortunately, he sees them and calls them over. There are guards around the room, standing near the door and barred windows. Considering the fact it’s 2014, all of it reminds Phil of all the prison films he’d seen before a year ago – when he’d refused to watch a prison film ever again.</p><p>His dad looks remarkably similar to how he did the last time Phil saw him. His haircut is slightly shorter and his hairline has receded a tad more but Phil had expected more a drastic change. It’s like almost like the last year never happened.</p><p>Phil must look different now, seeing as he’s grown even taller and begun dyeing his hair a darker shade. Phil has always looked like his mum – or so people have told him – but now, when looks at his dad, he sees a brief hint of himself in his father’s features.</p><p>“Phil,” his dad gives him a wary smile. “Good to see you.”</p><p>The finally isn’t spoken but Phil can imagine that his dad must be thinking it, after a year. There’s no malice in his father’s expression, just thoughtful caution.</p><p>Phil doesn’t want to say, “You too,” so instead replies with a polite, “How are you?”</p><p>“Good,” his dad answers. “Trying to keep busy.”</p><p>Phil’s mum gestures for Phil to sit down at the table and tells them, “I’m just going to try and find the loo. You two should catch up.”</p><p>Phil doesn’t want his mum to leave but it’s already too late and she’s out of the room. Now he’s alone with his dad and the awkward silence is unbearable.</p><p>“So, how’s school?” his dad enquires, smiling politely.</p><p>“Alright,” Phil answers, unable to return his dad’s smile. “Lots of exams.”</p><p>“Ah, but you’re a smart lad. You’ll do well.”</p><p>“Hope so,” Phil mumbles.</p><p>“What’s Rhagfyr like? Have you settled in alright?”</p><p>“It’s pretty small,” Phil replies honestly. “But it’s alright. I made some new friends in the first week.”</p><p>It’s not a lie; Morgan and Ffion aren’t the worst people to be friends with and they’ve stuck with him since the beginning.</p><p>“That’s good,” his dad beams, strangely emotional. He’d never been so easily pleased back when Phil knew him.</p><p>Phil is still trying to come up with a question, a line, something to say to his dad to end the awful silence that lingers between them, when his dad interrupts his thoughts.</p><p>“Met any nice girls then?”</p><p>“Not many.” Phil tries to keep a straight face. “I’m not really interested.”</p><p>His dad nods thoughtfully and says, “Well you’ve got plenty of time for that.”</p><p>Phil wonders if he should tell his dad that he’s gay. If he doesn’t take it well, it’s a perfect excuse for Phil to never see him again; even Dan wouldn’t be able to argue against him on that one. It’s not like Phil really cares what his dad thinks anymore.</p><p>“I’m gay.”</p><p>“Oh,” his dad breathes out. “Well. Met any nice lads then?”</p><p>The quickness of his dad’s response surprises Phil. He looks surprised but he doesn’t seem angry or confused. If anything, his expression has become more curious.</p><p>“Yeah, actually,” Phil mumbles. “There’s– um, I’ve got a boyfriend.”</p><p>“That’s good,” his dad says, giving him a small smile. “What’s he like?”</p><p>“He’s called Dan. He’s…” Phil struggles to find a way to describe Dan without using the words ‘hipster’ or ‘interesting’. “Different.”</p><p>“Different?” his dad chuckles softly, a sound Phil hasn’t heard in a long time. “Is that good?”</p><p>Phil feels a smile pulling at his lips as he nods. “Yes. He’s just…more mature than most people our age.”</p><p>“He sounds good for you.”</p><p>Phil startles slightly when his mum sits down next to him; he hadn’t even heard her footsteps approaching the table.</p><p>“What are you talking about?” she asks them.</p><p>“Phil’s boyfriend,” his dad provides.</p><p>“Oh, Dan,” she grins. “He’s a sweet boy. Very artistic.”</p><p>“He’s an artist?”</p><p>Phil explains, “He paints. He’s really good.”</p><p>“He did something for Phil the other day,” Phil’s mum adds. “It’s beautiful – a starry night sky.”</p><p>Phil’s mum tells his dad more about Dan and it’s surprising how much more relaxing it is to hear somebody else talk about Dan, rather than Phil having to do it himself. Finding the words to describe Dan to somebody who’s never met him – and might never meet him – is hard when all he can think about is the private moments they share together, the secrets they’ve only told each other.</p><p>“You sound like you’ve done well for yourself, Phil,” his dad smiles.</p><p>They only have a few minutes left to talk now and Phil can see his dad eyeing the clock, expression dejectedly.</p><p>“Are you going to visit again?” he asks Phil cautiously.</p><p>Phil’s word catch in his throat but he gets the response out eventually.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>“So what? Are you going to go again?” Dan questions him as Phil retells him the event of his visit the night before.</p><p>“I didn’t promise anything,” Phil answers slowly. “But I said that I might. That I would, when I wanted to.”</p><p>“So it’s not ‘never’ anymore?”</p><p>Phil shakes his head. “I was so angry with him, for leaving my mum, for leaving me, for going to prison…but when we got there, I just felt weird. And then we talked, and I realised that being angry at him was a waste of time.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“It’s not like he can change anything now. He already fucked up and he’s paying the price for it. I think I just didn’t feel like I needed revenge for anything anymore.”</p><p>Dan presses closer to Phil, fitting them both onto just one sofa cushion.</p><p>“What did you talk about?”</p><p>“You, actually.”</p><p>“Me?” Dan frowns.</p><p>“I told him I was gay,” Phil continues. “He just accepted it straight away, didn’t ask any questions about whether I was sure or not. I told him I had a boyfriend and he wanted to know all about you.”</p><p>“He sounds…nice,” Dan says after a time.</p><p>“I know,” Phil grimaces. “It’s weird. It’s like I had him pegged as a giant arsehole in my head and I forgot that he’s just a person.”</p><p>“Do you feel better now, for seeing him?” Dan asks.</p><p>Phil feels slightly like he’s talking to a therapist whenever Dan asks questions like this.</p><p>“I think so.”</p><p>“And you’ll see him again?”</p><p>“Maybe.”</p><p>It’s a good enough reply for Dan, who lifts his head and presses a tender kiss to Phil’s lips.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p>“Do you ever wish you still lived in Manchester?”</p><p>Phil considers the question. When he’d first moved to Rhagfyr, he’d become the 199th resident. He’d seen it as bad luck at the time – desperate to grasp onto any excuse to hate the village – but it’s grown on him. Going back home would be strange. Besides, he has more than enough to keep him here.</p><p>“Not really,” Phil grimaces. “My friends back then…well they weren’t really good friends.”</p><p>“And I’m better?” Dan scoffs, pulling his hoody closer to his cheeks to shield his face from the wind.</p><p>“Much better,” Phil nods.</p><p>The cloud is a bright, illuminating white today. The vast expanse of water below the cliffs is raging fiercely, waves cutting into the rocks. Phil can hear the faint crashing of water against stone from where they’re sat, high above the water level. It’s cold enough for Phil to miss smoking; cigarettes are great for when you need to warm yourself up. He’s been clean long enough to know he really shouldn’t start again.</p><p>“You’re fucking weird.”</p><p>“Me?” Phil laughs. “When I first met you, you were burning books on hillsides.”</p><p>“Yeah well I’m not the lunatic who becomes friends with the guy who burns books on hillsides.”</p><p>Phil bites his lip, grinning. “I can’t believe you sometimes.”</p><p>“But that reminds me,” Dan says, leaning into Phil. “Once we’re done with these fucking exams, I’m going to come up here and burn every one of the stupid fucking textbooks and mock papers I’ve ever had.”</p><p>“You’ll have to wait for the summer.”</p><p>“I know,” Dan nods.</p><p>“Want me to join you?”</p><p>“If you want.”</p><p>“Is that a yes?” Phil grins.</p><p>Dan doesn’t answer, but he smiles.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Phil has said this many times before, but Dan gives the best blowjobs in the universe. It’s probably a little demeaning to name Dan’s biggest accomplishment as something sexual but Phil just can’t compare them to anything else. He’s grunting and groaning like an animal and he’s kind of surprised that Dan doesn’t find it off-putting.</p><p>Quite the opposite; Dan seems to relish it. He pulls off Phil’s cock to lap at the head, tongue teasing Phil’s most sensitive skin. Dan’s mouth is always hot, wet and eager. When he swallows Phil down again, he hums, making the most incredible vibrations against Phil’s cock. Phil just can’t take this.</p><p>“I’m close,” he rasps.</p><p>Dan doesn’t pulls off to respond, only works his mouth faster. He takes Phil down to the base so that Phil can feel Dan’s throat muscles tight around the head of his cock. Dan’s fingers fondle Phil’s balls, pressing them just enough that Phil loses control. Dan swallows everything, lapping at the sensitive tip when Phil’s finally done.</p><p>“I love you.”</p><p>Phil hadn’t exactly meant to say it, it had just sort of come out. Saying it right after a blowjob isn’t romantic at all but he doesn’t regret meaning; he does love Dan. Sure, they hadn’t had the ideal relationship in the beginning, but they’re closer now than Phil’s ever been withanyone.</p><p>Dan doesn’t catch his eye. Phil should probably take that as Bad Sign No.1. Dan slumps down on the bed next to Phil and stares at the ceiling, eyes wide and troubled. Bad Sign No.2. Phil doesn’t know what to say how, how can he erase what he’s just said?</p><p>“You need to go.”</p><p>Phil blanches. Dan is kicking him out?</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“We can’t do this anymore.”</p><p>“Dan,” Phil reaches for him unsuccessfully. “I didn’t mean to say it like that.”</p><p>“You shouldn’t have said it,” Dan says, tone neutral but rushed. He gets to his feet and heads for the door.</p><p>“Wait,” Phil calls. “It wasn’t mean to be like that.”</p><p>Dan doesn’t wait, but he does speak, voice shaky. “We’re over.”</p><p>Dan goes into the bathroom and locks the door. Phil tries opening it once and then, dejected, leaves the house. He’s fucked up badly on this one. But what the hell is up with Dan? Dan has family issues, yes, but Phil’s not allowed to say ‘I love you’ without getting dumped?</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>“Phil, what’s up?” his mum asks the next morning.</p><p>He’d gone straight to bed without even stopping in the lounge to see his mum. Everything had felt raw and he hadn’t wanted to face all the questions she’d have about why he looked so miserable. If he tried to fake being happy, she’d probably know something was up anyway. Phil’s not the greatest actor.</p><p>“Me and Dan broke up,” Phil tells her.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Last night, he– he broke up with me.”</p><p>It’s the truth and it hurts.</p><p>“What happened?”</p><p>“I don’t really know.”</p><p>His mum’s expression is a mixture of shock and confusion, probably very similar to Phil’s expression when Dan said ‘We’re over’ last night.</p><p>“Well, how did it happen? Did you have an argument?”</p><p>Phil has two choices here: he could lie about it being an argument and she might let it drop or he could tell the truth about the three-word sentence he said to Dan and face the embarrassment.</p><p>“I told him I loved him,” Phil frowns. “And he sort of freaked out, and then he said we were over.”</p><p>“Oh Phil,” his mum pulls him into a warm, tight hug. “It’s awful. I– I just can’t believe it!”</p><p>“Me neither,” Phil mutters bitterly.</p><p>“Are you going to talk to him, ask him why he freaked out? Maybe he was just scared and panicked?”</p><p>Already, his mum is making plans to pull them back together. He admires her resilience but Phil feels like they’re fighting a losing battle already. If he and Dan fall apart every time something happens that Dan doesn’t like, how are they supposed to survive as a couple in the future? Saying that, did Dan ever really see a future for them?</p><p>“I don’t want to talk to him.”</p><p>Thankfully Phil’s mum has the courtesy to stay silent after that.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Phil can’t sleep at all.</p><p>It’s been three days since Dan broke up with him and he’s already missed one day of school claiming sickness. It’s not really a lie; he hasn’t slept and he’s sick of it. Phil’s mum doesn’t really know what to do but he can’t blame her. He’s too sleep-deprived to manage school and the winter exams are over for now. He can manage two days off school for now without ruining his attendance record. She hands him a cup of tea before she leaves for work, her smile laced with pity.</p><p>When he tries to sleep, he drifts in and out of consciousness. For one moment, he thinks he hears the dawn chorus, then it suddenly sounds more like a car alarm. Or maybe an alarm clock? The noise morphs and he’s too tired to open his eyes. His sheets feel too cold, too harsh against his skin. There’s a tickle at the back of his throat and Phil thinks that maybe he is starting to get a cold.</p><p>The sound of the door opening makes his eyes flutter open. For a brief second, he imagines it’s Dan coming to see him. But then, as his eyes focus on his mum, he realises that Dan doesn’t have a key to his house and probably doesn’t want to see Phil anyway. His mum must have just returned from work. He feels a spark of relief when he sees that she is brandishing another hot mug of tea; it’s the perfect thing to warm up his frozen bones.</p><p>“You’re freezing,” she says. Their fingers had brushed as she passed over the mug.</p><p>Phil grunts in response, his throat feeling too sore to speak.</p><p>“Did you get any sleep?”</p><p>He shrugs. Any sleep he did manage to get was fitful and unsatisfying and he can feel a pressure behind his eyes, a headache shifting throughout his body.</p><p>“You need a shower,” she smiles sadly, running her fingers through his limp, unwashed hair. “Go have a hot shower and warm up.”</p><p>Taking her advice, he drinks the tea as quickly as he can without burning his mouth and jumps into the shower. He takes twice as long as usual, his body being lulled back into a sleepy daze by the comforting warmth of the water.</p><p>Phil doesn’t bother to blow-dry and straighten his hair afterwards; he just brushes it into the right parting and leaves it. Dinner is chicken pie, Phil’s least favourite meal. He usually hates how the pastry is so thick in his mouth, threatening to choke him, but right now the idea of asphyxiation by pastry is a better idea that going into school tomorrow.</p><p>“I dropped into Butcher’s shop today at lunch,” his mum tells him as she cuts up her pie.</p><p>Phil really wishes she hadn’t; he doesn’t want to involve Butcher in any of this.</p><p>She continues, “I didn’t tell him everything, just that you and Dan had broken up.”</p><p>Phil stays silent.</p><p>“He was surprised. He said that Dan had been happy lately.”</p><p>“I don’t want to talk about this,” Phil interjects.</p><p>“Right,” his mum nods, lowering her head to look at her pie. “Aren’t you going to eat, Phil?”</p><p>Phil is furious. He’s furious at the fact he can’t sleep, he’s furious at his mum for getting Butcher involved, he’s furious at Dan for breaking up with him without reason and, most of all, he’s furious at the fucking chicken pie.</p><p>“I don’t like it.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>Phil gets to his feet, glaring down at his plate. “I hate chicken pie.”</p><p>“I thought you liked it…” his mum mumbles, wide-eyed.</p><p>“And I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings but really it was stupid because I’ve been eating it for years and I hate it.”</p><p>“Right,” she blinks.</p><p>There’s a long, uncomfortable silence and Phil thinks he’s probably upset her. She looks down at her plate for a while until speaking again.</p><p>“Do you want me to make you some toast then?”</p><p>Phil could almost laugh at how easily his mum accepted his rant. She’s slightly paler than before but she smiles back at him calmly.</p><p>“I need to go do something,” he tells her. “I’ll be back later.”</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>It’s dark outside when Phil rushes out, only just remembering to pull on his coat. He’s still wearing the same clothes he slept in; loose jeans and a worn Totoro t-shirt. It’s perhaps not his best look and he probably smells like sweat, since he can’t remember putting on any deodorant.</p><p>The air is cold and thin, the wind blowing icily as the sea roars against the rocks. As Phil walks into the harbour, he spots the faint glint of light from the top of the hill. Somebody is up there. He almost runs up the path, slipping a few times. When he emerges through the trees at the top, he sees a figure curled around a small, flickering fire.</p><p>It’s Dan; he can see that much of the face inside the hood. The light illuminates his features. Phil can’t decide whether he’s glad to see him, despite Dan being the person he came here to see. Dan doesn’t notice him at first, but his head quickly turns when Phil treads across the glass towards him. The cliffs are eerier than ever in the dark; you can never know where the land ends and the drop begins.</p><p>“Hey.” It’s lame, but it’s all Phil can think to say.</p><p>Dan looks up at him.</p><p>“I have something to tell you. If you ever listen to anyone but yourself.”</p><p>“Fuck you,” Dan mutters.</p><p>“No,” Phil starts, unable to keep his voice calm. “Fuck you. Fuck you for thinking it’s okay to treat me like that. It’s like you forget that I fuckingknow you. I know you’re fucked up and I know why you’re fucked up. But you’re not the only one with problems. When you called it off, I went home and I thought that maybe I was the one who’d done something wrong. I thought it was my fault–” Phil breaks off to laugh.</p><p>“And then I realised. I shouldn’t always have to do whatever you tell me. I shouldn’t have to change everything I do to fit you, when you treat me like this. I don’t fucking deserve it, and you know that. I told you I loved you and you fucking call it off because you don’t want to change.”</p><p>When Phil looks down at the small fire, he realises that the fuel keeping the flames going are two reasonably large books. He almost wants to laugh again but he can’t find the energy.</p><p>“That wasn’t why.”</p><p>“What?” Phil mutters exasperatedly.</p><p>“I didn’t break up with you because of that, I was scared, I–”</p><p>“No,” Phil interrupts. “That’s a shit excuse, give me a better one.”</p><p>Dan frowns but Phil stares him down, refusing to break eye contact.</p><p>“No-one’s ever said that to me before.”</p><p>“Better,” Phil comments. “Now give me another one.”</p><p>“I’ve never had a relationship like this.”</p><p>“Another one.”</p><p>“I don’t know if I can change.”</p><p>“Another one.”</p><p>“I’m not good for you.”</p><p>“More.”</p><p>“I don’t deserve you.”</p><p>Phil doesn’t respond; he can feel a lump in his throat now.</p><p>“Is that enough?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Phil rasps, sitting down on the other side of the fire, across from Dan. “It’s enough.”</p><p>Dan pokes one of the burning books with a long, thick stick.</p><p>“So what now?”</p><p>“I don’t know,” Phil mumbles.</p><p>“I fucked up.”</p><p>It’s an admission, not an apology, but Phil can see the regret in Dan’s expression. It doesn’t feel like a victory. If anything, he feels more drained than before.</p><p>“You did,” Phil nods. “But you’re wrong about something. You do deserve me, because I still want you.”</p><p>Phil watches as a tear rolls down Dan’s cheeks. The other boy hadn’t even sniffed or rubbed his face before then but the tear is quickly joined by another, shining in the firelight.</p><p>“I don’t know if I can…love in that way. I don’t know how I feel.”</p><p>“Well,” Phil starts. “When you know what you feel, let me know.”</p><p>He gets to his feet and heads back home, refusing to look behind him. His face is warmer from sitting by the fire and the pressure in his throat has subsided, a weight having been lifted from his chest. The cold air feels almost pleasant now.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Phil’s mum doesn’t ask where he went but when he’d gone back to bed and slept through the next day, she seems happy enough to send him back to school the day after. It’s a Thursday and close enough to the end of the week that Phil doesn’t feel too bad about returning to school.</p><p>“Feeling better now?” Morgan asks him at lunch.</p><p>“Yeah, thanks.”</p><p>Phil almost envies Morgan for how the other boy can care so sincerely about everyone around him. Phil has compassion, of course, but Morgan has the unique ability to radiate optimism and thoughtfulness. He might be a little too much at times but Phil had grown to like him.</p><p>As he’s eating lunch, Phil feels the buzz of his phone vibrating in his pocket. It’s a text from Dan.</p><p>sleep at mine tonight? bring film</p><p>Phil doesn’t quite know how to respond.</p><p>Is this a date?</p><p>He looks around the canteen but Dan is nowhere to be seen.</p><p>if i apologise, could it be?</p><p>Morgan is watching him from across the table but stays silent, munching on his sandwich as Phil texts away.</p><p>Are you always going to be a hipster?</p><p>probably</p><p>Phil sucks in a breath.</p><p>Are you always going to burn books on hillsides?</p><p>The reply comes in seconds.</p><p>probably not</p><p>So you can change?</p><p>Phil can’t help but chew his bottom lip as he waits for a response.</p><p>i’d change for you</p><p>It’s the closest Dan can get to saying sorry without using the word, Phil thinks.</p><p>I can live with that</p><p>Phil knows that Dan might never be the same as everyone else Phil knows; his brain is wired up a little differently. They’re both fucked up in their own ways but it could work. Phil doesn’t mind it being a little fucked up, if there’s a chance that one day Dan might be able to say those three little words.</p><p>you met me at a very strange time in my life</p><p>Phil smiles.</p>
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